Random T-Bag Quotes

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This is the list of all the random T-Bag quotes as found on the homepage (index page) of this website. These are sorted by series, episode and character order.

There are currently 900 quotes that are randomly selected to appear on the random quote but my aim is to get at least one quote from every character in all the episodes.

If you want to submit any random quotes please contact me, either via e-mail or via The T-Bag Forum.

Wonders In Letterland
Episode 1 Arrival In Letterland
Tallulah BagIgnorance is Bliss.
Drat you you interfering brat I’m telling you sweet child not to meddle in things that don’t concern you this is a happy place.
DebbieNo, there are a lot of letters missing.
The GardenerThe guest will come, in yellow dressed, will guess the puzzles to pass the test.
It's like a flipping earthquake down here.
We call her that because all she ever thinks about is, is drinking tea.
You don't know when her big flapping ears are listening. And you don't know when her big beady bloodshot eyes are watching. And you don't know when she'll poke her long interfering nose round the corner.
Episode 2 Debbie In The Land Of B
Tallulah BagMy big burly buddy from the land of B will block your way. You'd be well advised to be on your bike.
Buttered buns and biscuits.
You're fired
DebbieI spy with my little eye something beginning with B.
BalthazzarYou'll never budge me, you're baffled, bamboozled, bedazzled, so buzz off.
I'm here to block your way. A barrier, a barricade, be gone.
Oh but there are only four candles.
Episode 3 Debbie In The Land Of S
Tallulah BagAnd as for you, you snivvelling sourpuss, you're not beautiful at all! You're ugly!
And I suppose that's a cupcake.
Shortcrust and soda scones, don't be so wet.
Shortcake and sugar cubes, she must be searching for the missing S under the sea
Got any goodies worth gobbling?
You are beautiful that is true but you'll soon meet one more fair than you.
The golden charm that's in you hand will keep you the loveliest in the land, let it go and to your dismay your beauty will fade by the end of day.
I'll give her a spot the size of a sausage on the end of her silly nose.
Skipper McKipperAdvice, when speaking with a seasprite, it's a sticky sort of matter. Fair word but are no parsnips but they don't have help to flatter.
Seraphina the SeaspriteMirror mirror under the sea, who is as beautiful as me?
Episode 4 Debbie In The Land Of I
Tallulah BagNow anyone that wears one of my specially treated T's will be as you are T-Shirt, a devoted member of the T. Set. They will be T-totalers, every time will be tea-time and they will all serve me, The T-Lady.
Treacle tarts and teacakes.
I see she's already made the acquaintance of that irksome, irritating, insolent, idiot Indiana Inkspot. I'll have to nip that in the bud.
T-ShirtWell I was just thinking, why don't you get all the housework done by magic?
Indiana InkspotWhat do you mean no, I'm Indiana Inkspot. Look there's my ID, you see. The indestructible, intrepid, invincible, infallible, incomparable, ha ha you know, Indiana Inkspot.
Ah Inspiration! My instincts indicate the immediate interception of some important information which could illuminate our investigation.
Episode 5 Debbie In The Land Of P
Tallulah BagYou're at the pole, you've reached your goal; but now, look see, here's a frozen P!
I have every right because I am the High-T.
Jam tarts and gingerbread, what have you done?
Milktops and muffins, how dare you do such an evil thing?
T-Shirt, have you done your homework yet?
Polar PeteWell you put much too much mustard on it, see? That much mustard is, is so hot it'll, it'll set your perishing tongue on fire.
Episode 6 Debbie In The Land Of R
Tallulah BagIt's T-riffic T-Shirt, he's on our side, a devoted member of the T. Set.
Gingerbread and jam tarts, they could be anywhere.
Shortcrust and sugarcubes
Toasted teacakes and treacle tarts, it's empty.
T-ShirtHave no fear, T-Shirt's here.
Rascally RogerYo, ho, ho ... and a bottle of raspberry juice!
Arrggh, it be a nice day for rampaging round, ransacking rowdily and robbing riff-raff
That's where you'd be wrong lad, it now belongs to Rascally Roger, the roughest, toughest, rudest rogue of the reefs, ha ha!
Episode 7 Debbie In The Land Of V
Tallulah BagT-Shirt, what did you call me? Don't ever call me T-Bag again.
Vic The VampireI was just about to open a can of soup, scream of tomato, my favourite, would you like some?
A spell is cast when a whiff is taken which only a kiss will reawaken.
I am scary. Boo!
Yes, one whiff, one sniff and you will fall asleep for one hundred years.
The Wise Old VultureI'm the vegetarian vulture you see, I eat nothing but vegetables, very good for the brain, they are.
Episode 8 Debbie In The Land Of O
Tallulah BagStop larking about, T-Time is serious!
Jam butties and gingernuts
I must find someone soon to assist that oaf O'Clock. Where am I gonna find somebody stupid enough, someone idiotic enough, someone gullible enough to work in that dreadful, noisy, oily place? Where?
Well looks as if the game's over and you've lost. Well serves you right for being a nosey-parker, smarty pants interfering little busybody. Goodbye.
I've won, I've won, ha. I've won, ha! Oh my lovely golden letter T's.
DebbieOh that's the trouble with T-Shirt, you never know what he's up to next.
Fife O'ClockI love round things, that's why I live in a clock. Hey, did I say eleven o'clock, can't be that time surely, can it?
Episode 9 Debbie In The Land Of E
Tallulah BagShortcake and sugar cubes.
Clotted cream and crumpets, I can't even get a picture from this brew.
Cake crumbs, crumpets, shortbread, sugar cubes, butter buns, biscuits, marmalade and muffins. Curse you Deborah.
T-ShirtThat's nothing, if you want an elephant, I could whip one up for you easily.
Eric the EnvoyDon't mess around with me young man, we've got no time for such frivolity.
Please, we have serious business ahead of us, just listen to me.
Emperor of The Land of EIt is extremely essential to establish the equilibrium and eliminate the success of empty-headed extravagance.
Episode 10 Back To Square One
Tallulah BagMe, The High-T, defeated and humiliated by a mere slip of a girl. I can't stand the Indigni-T!
Cake crumbs, sugar cubes and crumpets, I'll winkle you out wherever are you? You can't hide from me forever, and when I find you… beware!
T-ShirtOh crumbs, I forgot about T-Bag's T bag.
DebbieThe answer's plain for it shall be... five and twenty is the key.
Cake crumbs and crumpets, what are you doing loafing about here doing nothing, there's work to be done.
Once you've found the missing letters, you're almost home and dry. Just one more test; stand close to the chest and throw the letters to the sky.
The GardenerLook at me, I'm ordinary, nothing wrong with being ordinary, that's what makes us all extraordinary.
ShopkeeperI tell you what, you can come back and play it again anytime you like and I have lots of other games you can play as well.
Vic The VampireGood luck Debbie.
T-Bag Strikes Again
Episode 1 The Town Clock
Tallulah BagIt's T-Riffic!
You thought you had beaten me, you thought you had imprisoned me in that dreadful letters game.
Tell me Thomas, would you like to hear a story?
A Maximus brewuppacuppa.
I Am The High-T.
Will you stop clanging that infernal bell, you're giving me a ringing headache.
Cake crumbs and crumpets.
Hickery Dickory-DockNothing O' Clock and nothing's well.
Five O' Clock and all's well. Five O' Clock and all's well. Hoopty-doop, Five O' wonderful Clock and everything's simply marvellous.
Eleven O' Clock and all's well. Eleven O' Clock and all's well. Everything's great and couldn't be better.
Episode 2 One, Two Buckle My Shoe
Tallulah BagCake crumbs and crumpets.
I've got the shoes with the silver number twos, so hard luck to yous and a scooby-dooby-doos!?
Now, let's see if that vile child Deborah has taken heed of my warning. Excellent, she's not there, she must have gone back to wherever she came from, how very sensible of her.
Prince PimpleI must have a bowl of ice cream and jelly.
If these shoes fit you'll shortly see, the family legend pure and simple, you'll be the one who'll marry me and end up with a pimple.
Well I can tell you from here what's wrong with it. You've tried to put your U-bend on back to front.
Episode 3 Ben And Bunty Badshot
Tallulah BagDo you think you can threaten me, me, The High-T, the most powerful in all the land. Don't be absurd, silly old fool. That will teach you to trifle with the High-T.
You'll do nothing of the no-such which.
Treacle tarts and teacakes.
Ping Pong bat, I'll ping and you pong
DebbieAnd it's Ben, out for a duck, bowled out by a coconut.
Ben BadshotChitter chatter, nitter natter, blah, blah, blah.
This has been the busiest deserted island I've ever clapped eyes on. Who in the tarnation are you?
Episode 4 Scrap Harry
Tallulah BagCharming little child with red curly hair and a cheerful little smile, her name is Debbie…Bluergh.
Custard tarts, give it here.
Oh what a simply wonderful day this has been. I'm happy, you're happy, the only person who isn't happy is lit...
T-ShirtBut I wanted to stay and play cricket with Ben and Bunty Badshot and that girl Debbie, you wouldn't let me.
DebbieIf this is a real magic lamp, all I need do is…
Scrap HarryI don’t give credit and I don’t give cash but I’ll give you a balloon for your rubbish or trash.
Episode 5 Ali Barber
Tallulah BagHere comes old Sultan Pinky-locks.
Gingernuts, the numbers have gone, but where?
Cream crackers and clotted, that boy, that boy, that…
Cherry cake and chocolate fingers I want my old hairstyle back.
T-ShirtI’ve been spicking and spanning all morning.
Ali BarberAli Barber, hairdresser extraordinaire, connoisseur of coiffeur, trims, snips, cuts and clips, waves, fringes, perms and crimping, dying, drying, curling, tinting.
Hair today, gone tomorrow
Episode 6 Dick Gherkin
Tallulah BagShortcake and sugarcubes I've just given it to you.
Cake crumbs and crumpets, where is he?
T-ShirtRight you, stand and deliver, your numbers or your life.
Dick GherkinStand and Deliver!
Clarence TrueheartYou're right there mother.
Mistress TrueheartEverybody’s heard of the most daring, the most infamous, the most celebrated highway man this side of Dead Dog hill.
When it comes to being Constable, he's not much cop.
Aye, well I don't expect there'll be anymore in tonight, I might as well shut up.
Episode 7 Long John Sylvia
Tallulah BagHa, holiday, holiday!? I'll give you a holiday!
Figrolls and fairy cakes, not again.
Balderdash! You're a disgrace to the T. Set.
Long John SylviaSo stay with jolly old Radio Riff Raff.
If you're feeling like going out and walking the plank.
Ah ship-mates, we be broadcasting live from somewhere in the seven seas, ah that we be, transmitting on long wave, short wave, splishy wave, splashy wave, sploshy wave, any old wave you want me hearties.
Well since we all enjoyed that last record so much we'll hear it one more time.
How I do love that record shipmates, don't you? As a matter of fact I think we'll play it one more time.
And now folks here's another chance to hear some more of that wonderful record.
Jack PluggWhat a piece of fish!
Episode 8 Professor Pockets
Tallulah Bag... take care lest you get your fingers burnt.
I wish I had that moment to keep...
Well T-Shirt all I can say is my horoscope couldn't have been further from the truth. Getting my fingers burnt, somebody close will let you down. Utter tripe, isn't it T-Shirt? Huh, course it is.
T-ShirtI wonder what old baggy pants will have to say about all this. Let's go.
Professor PocketsI knew a Bag once, Kit Bag, nice girl.
Oh, I'm not very good at that sort of thing, distorting the facts, it's highly unscientific.
Episode 9 Charlie Chuckles
Tallulah BagOh, Mighty Plant, oh, Sacred Weed, Attend my wishes now with speed.
I am Queen T-Tanya, soveriegn High-T of the Isle of Hightea.
You dare to deny me, The High-T, do you know what I can do to you? I have only to raise my hand.
T-ShirtMirror mirror shine, come in number nine
Charlie ChucklesNow bring up the curtain, strike up the band, light up the lights and we'll be off.
The KingPlease. You won't tell anyone will you? Please. If anybody were to find out my secret passion for playing skittles I'd be the laughing stock of the entire land.
Episode 10 The Magic Garden
Tallulah BagOh don’t be like that Deborah, climb down from your high-horse, relax, accept my hospitali-T.
Make me a cup of tea boy, and I don't mean tomorrow!
You'll regret the day you ever stepped foot in this book madam... I hope you're listening.
Cake crumbs, crumpets, fig rolls, fairy cakes, butter buns, biscuits, shortcake, sugar cubes, jam tarts, gingernuts, marmalade, madeira and muffins. They've got the clock going!
Will you never learn? I'll teach you once and for all not to tangle with the High-T.
You're beaten fairly and T-squarely.
Oh no, curse you, all of you. You haven't heard the last of me. Yarrrgghhhhh…
A couple of twos, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine and one for the pot.
Go on, run! Run rabbit, run! Run all the way back to where you came from and don't ever show your smarmy face round here again! Remember, nothing can help you now, nothing! Nothing!
ThomasI like stories with happy endings, don't you?
Hickery Dickory-DockMidnight, midnight, It's all come flooding back to me, I remember now. At midnight something wonderful happens.
At midnight good triumphs over evil.
At midnight everything evil withers and dies and in it's place goodness grows and flourishes. Everything's going to be wonderful.
T-Bag Bounces Back
Episode 1 The Ousting Of Major Happy
Tallulah BagWell, well, well. Well, well, well, well, well. Look who it isn't!
Well you thought wrong; here I am and here I stay!
Cake crumbs and crumpets, what's happening to me?
Thanks to you I've got a ringing headache.
Simply another example of my continuing genius.
As unloved as yesterday's left-over rice pudding.
Like a burst balloon at a birthday bash.
DebbieWell, off we go again Debbie.
Major HappyMy glockenspiel will make you feel like bursting into song...
I'll be here, do not fret, ever alert. Manning the fort until you return. I wish you well, I wish you good luck and I wish you'd hurry up.
I should co-co. It was magical wasn't it?
Episode 2 Nights In Arabia
Tallulah BagIt's high-time I made madam Deborah sweat.
Isn't it hilarious T-Shirt, Miss clever socks lost in the desert, miles from anywhere, like a little baked potato.
Now for the bell, where in the name of toasted teacakes did T-Shirt take that stupid man?
DebbieOh no, I wish I hadn't wished that.
It’s hot before, it’s roasting now, like an oven.
The GenieAh, that's better, now where was I? Oh yes, freedom, freedom, freedom! It gives me bountiest pleasure and great happiness to hereby grant you three wishes.
Episode 3 Ivan The Horrible
Tallulah BagYou Stupid Boy!
One bell down, seven to go, you may have won a battle but the war is far from over.
Count BorisThree Cheers for King Boris.
The QueenA twist to the right, a click to the left, wiggle it, wiggle it, knock it, unlock it.
Trespassing? Locked you up? What a very strange thing to do. Oh well, we can't have that. Not on a happy day like today.
Ivan the HorribleUseless! Imagine coming to rescue me without a hatpin. You're hopeless! Give me back my badge.
Episode 4 Black Hearted Belle
Tallulah BagBelay me hearty, pieces of eight and blow me down with a wooden leg, arr Jimlad arrrgh.
Muffins and meringues, what in the name of toasted teacakes is she playing at?
T-ShirtYou can't do this to me you know, I'm a member of the T. Set.
DebbieI'm not Deborah, I'm Red-headed Rosie, rascal of the reef, scourge of the seven seas.
Black Hearted BelleWell stuff me in the cannon and blast me over the horizon, you'll join my crew, like it or lump it!
Well chop me up into little pieces and feed me to the sharks, what have we here?
Well lash me to the anchor and drop me in the ocean.
Well run me up the flagpole and throw me off the crow's nest, me long lost cousin.
Episode 5 Bobby Jobsworth and The Temple Of Doom
Tallulah BagI'm an archaeologist. My life is in ruins.
It's all over T-Shirt, the day is ours, we've won.
That stupid girl still believes the yarn I spun her about the bell being in the dreadful tomb. She’s so gullible, silly girl.
Bizzy BeaverScouts motto, always be prepared, I had several cans of beans in my emergency kit. Ha, ha, I didn't get my bean-eating survivors badge for nothing you know.
I've searched every corridor and every labyrinth in this place. I didn't get my corridor and labyrinth searching badge for nothing you know.
Of course it was a ghost, I know a ghost when I see one. I didn't get my ghost-spotting badge for nothing you know.
Bobby JobsworthDyb, dyb, dyb. Deb, deb, Deb.
Episode 6 Hi-Hat
Tallulah BagFudge and fairy cakes, it's your fault stupid boy.
T-Shirt, what in the name of buttered buns are you doing here?
I'll give you a diddle on your om-pom-pom if you're not out of that bath in two minutes.
Nonsense, you look very smart, a credit to the T. Set.
Cornered at last! Caught like a rat in a trap! It's curtains for you this time, Deborah!
T-ShirtCups of tea, cups of tea, that's all I'm good for, making cups of tea, I'm really getting fed up with this lark.
DebbieWhat are you doing here all dressed up like a dogs-dinner?
The PrincessThis is an excellent brew-up, you must have a lot of tea making experience.
Episode 7 Bell, Book and Candle
Tallulah BagWhat are you? Don't answer me, I'll tell you. You're an oaf, a dote, a dope, a numbskull, a dizzy scatter-brained feather-headed bungler.
Tallulah BagT-Shirt, that empty cavity you call a brain is on an entirely different wavelength.
T-ShirtOr, I know, a goat, we could have a goat, and before you say anything about the smell, don't worry the goat would get used to it.
Wilma WishboneBy my candle, book, and bell...
I did a three year spell at charm school, fully licensed to bewitch, bewilder and bedazzle, when do I start?
By my candle, bell and book, open up, let's have a look
But think, with my bell, book and candle I can cast spells to your heart's content.
Episode 8 Max The Miller
Tallulah BagYou stupid boy, I suppose you think that's funny, you and your practical jokes.
T-ShirtHappy Birthday Dear Tallulah, Happy Birthday to you.
Max the MillerI'm not making enough here to feed a family of fleas.
How's a man supposed to earn a decent crust like this?
Winnie De MilleEveryone seems to be mad keen on bells today.
But I'm a cake maker, how am I gonna make cakes without flour?
Mean old miserable miserly, monster of a man.
Episode 9 Nikdit The Thief
Tallulah BagAcme Bun Company.
Hubble, bubble nothing but trouble. Magic vanish at the double.
He obviously has his heart set on hanging on to those bells, and the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
The little fools, do they honestly imagine I'm just going to sit up here and watch their feeble attempts to wipe me out? Ha ha, as if. Well children, the fun and games are over, I've let you get this far but now it's time to get serious.
Imagine what it must be like to sink your teeth into that crumbly flaky pastry there, and feel the fresh squidgy cream swirling round your tongue, and lick the delicate chocolate from your lips and force the jam through the gaps in your teeth.
Oh that's all I need. Clear off you old goat.
Here's how I can kill two birds with one stone. Prevent those wretched children from meeting up with him and get myself a new T-Caddy into the bargain.
T-ShirtRight, this is it then. I'm off. Goodbye T-Room forever. And goodbye T-Bag as well, it's been really horrible knowing you.
Episode 10 Happy Ending
Tallulah BagShortcake and sugar cubes.
Deborah is defeated, say it again. Deborah Is Defeated!
Major, Major, time for tea, hear me calling, come to me.
Muffins and madeira cake, the old codger's done a bunk.
I am invincible, I am unstoppable.
Afraid? Oh yes I'm positively trembling with fear. Go on then, jingle your silly bells, do your stuff. I'm waiting.
T-ShirtNothing, not a dickie bird.
Bet old Bin Bag's gone and nobbled him
ThomasThat's funny, I couldn't get that to play.
DebbieThe end of T-Bag that's what, and this time for good. She's not going to bother any of us ever again.
Major HappyDebbie, let stealth be thy watch-word.
Well you can't turn the clock back, history never repeats itself, when you come to the end of your journey… stop.
Harmony my dear, harmony is returning to the world, isn't it wonderful?
Well little does she know that I know what I know.
Aeroplanes did you say? Paper aeroplanes!
Turn On To T-Bag
Episode 1 Sparkes
Tallulah BagThis time I will win and woe betide the world when I do.
Oh, save your breath, there's no Debbie to help you this time.
Fudge and fairy cakes, what's going on? Sugarcubes, buttered buns and biscuits, what's happening?
Muffins and meringues, how long is that going to take?
Your clothes, you don't look as if you belong to the T. Set. I think something like this would be more in keeping with your position. That's better.
Yes, oops! You little snake, you worm, you weasel.
How agreeable to have T-Shirt back on the team again. I'm too harsh on the lad sometimes, he's not a bad little chap really. And at least now that he's back I'll get a decent cup of tea.
T-ShirtYou were destroyed, I saw you destroyed.
Your impulse input's too critically low to oscillate your diamodulator. I'm telling you, the group potential of your resistor is causing a beam current feedback in your techno-generator.
It's all about trouble, big trouble.
Holly-Anna JonesI'm Holly-Anna Jones previewing the weeks ahead. We've got a great season of programmes for you here on children's television, starting today with episode one of a brand new science fiction adventure featuring the ever popular Professor Sparkes.
Well, well I'm not really looking forward to it, all of those pathetic little programmes usually turn out to be nothing but garbage, I wouldn't waste your time watching them, if you want my advice you'll wait until the great day when her majesty takes to the airwaves and introduces the fantastic, the marvellous, the wonderful High-TV. High-TV, High-TV, High...
Right, well I'll get those crystals, all of them, I'll stop you T-Bag, you just see if I don't.
Professor SparksCome in Planet Z. Are you receiving me Planet Z?
Oh well it's obvious isn't it, her impulse input's too critically low to oscillate her diamodulator.
The group potential of a resistor must be causing a beam current feedback on her techno-generator.
Episode 2 Gangsters
Tallulah BagI never touch the stuff.
Trust my luck to get landed with another meddlesome Miss, Deborah was bad enough but this one, oughhh.
Fudge and fairy cakes, wouldn't you just know it, that irksome girl's gone and got the next blasted crystal and she doesn't even know it. This is too bad, before you can say butter me a biscuit she'll have got her sweaty palms on the whole lot and then where will be T-Shirt?
What in the name of toasted teacakes is going on?
You're far too busy to listen to me squawking ain't ya.
Well if you don't wanna know what I saw happening on second avenue this afternoon at the jewellery store then that's no skin off my nose.
T-ShirtT-Bag, T-Bag, RA-RA-RA! She's our favourite megastar!
Police Chief O'ReillyDon't you play the giddy goat with me Malone.
Oh but the double hokey.
Episode 3 Yeti
Tallulah BagThere is no such thing as… a yeti!
I'll see you in the morning... Unfortunately.
T-Shirt, if I hear the word yeti mentioned one more time it will be me tearing you apart and chewing you up into little pieces.
Stupid boy.
Holly-Anna JonesI'd love to see T-Bag's face if she ever found out there was no such thing as a yeti.
Daisy DigwellOh you must know Rosie Crabapple, everybody knows Rosie Crabapple and her prize winning spring onions.
I'm off. Oh wait 'til Rosie Crabapple hears about this, a brush with the yeti, I'd be the talk of the women's institute Thursday night whistdrive. Oh pass me that pan will you? Thank you, they'll all be green with envy.
F. BloggsAh cor lummy! Those rich toffs will pay a packet for a perfume like this. Ah, now, ah, the rarest bottle of scent in the whole bloomin' world. I've worked me socks off getting those blasted flowers but it's been worth every blister.
Episode 4 Bubble Boy
Tallulah BagSo you see, at the AGM, ER said OK to FB, got in his MG and went AWOL with a VIP from the UN. Typical isn't it?
Figs and fairycakes, what is going on here?
You're doing nothing of the no-such which.
Holly-Anna JonesI can't believe my luck. This will be the fourth crystal, soon I'll get the fifth and... look out T-Bag!
J.R.We're going for a take, stand by lights, stand by sound, you all set Bobby.
Episode 5 Pyramids
Tallulah BagApple tarts and turnovers, which way up is this stupid thing?
You stupid boy, you were holding it round the wrong way, I've never met anybody like you, you make a pig's ear out of everything. What is the matter with you?
Scoop ShuttleworthI can see it now, banner headline: Press protégée's pyramid pics, unknown photographer's exclusive story, I met the Mummy says globe's golden girl Scoop Shuttleworth.
This is amazing. Wait 'til they see these pictures. Female photographer's fabulous find. Blond girl tumbles tomb. Reckless, roving reporter resolves relic riddle in... er, riches revelation!
Queen Tallulah of the NileYou dare to address Queen Tallulah of the Nile with such blatent disrespect, I've had people thrown to the crocodiles for less.
I understand. Alas, I only have the power to send her back where she came from but if you can destroy her for good then take this crystal and use it wisely.
Who has woken me from my ancient slumber? Speak…
Episode 6 Scrimp
Tallulah BagOh crackers, not another T. Shirt brainwave. I don't want to hear it, thank you.
Buttered buns and butterscotches, it's parky up here.
T-ShirtJingle Bells, T-Bag Smells. She's a right old pain. Tallulah Bag's a right old hag. I'll sing it once again...
Holly-Anna JonesMerry Christmas T-Bag.
Tom ScrimpBut Uncle, it is Christmas Eve.
Episode 7 The Two Musketeers
Tallulah BagNow come with me, I've had another of my inspired ideas.
T-Bag & T-ShirtAll for one and tea for two, it shall be done and so adieu.
T-ShirtOh whoopy do, ya, whizzo, hoorah.
QueenOh, what I would not give to have this Pimple removed from my life, forever.
Emil Fortoux/The Scarlet PimpleThey seek him there, they seek him here but the Scarlett Pimple will always disappear.
I am as sick as a french parrot.
Clues, clues, this is intolerable, the Queen shall hear of this, and when she does, I tell you, heads will roll, heads will roll.
Episode 8 The African Queen
Tallulah BagCake crumbs and crumpets, what's going on here?
What in the name of butterbuns is going on here?
He'll be fizzing mad.
Will you be my friend? Will you? You look a lot more fun than old Grimey. Go on, be my friend!
T-ShirtGilbert Can Fly!
You are feeling very light, your whole body is weightless, you feel as if you could fly, concentrate now, you're starting to float in the air. Rise, rise, rise…
Thank you Bin-Bag
Did she hurt you Ted? Did you bump your head? Poor old Ted.
Episode 9 Doc Leaf
Tallulah BagAnd what have I got? A bag full of blasted rocks!
Like taking candy from a baby.
Do my eyes deceive me? The crystals. I knew my luck would change the minute I got shot of that millstone round my neck. If it hadn't been for that blasted T-Shirt I'd have had those crystals long ago. Well, he looks like a pushover.
At last, my moment of triumph. Holly is scuppered well and truly. The crystals are mine. Victory is at hand.
Gilbert, Gilbert. All I ever hear about these days is Gilbert. I'm sick to the back teeth of Gilbert.
T-ShirtI hate you Bin Bag, rubbish bag, mouldy old T-Bag. You're the horribliest, meanest old bag I've ever met.
Doc LeafThere's a special offer on at the moment, two bottles for the price of three, ha ha ha, can't say fairer than that.
Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam, ur-uh and I'll show you a messy carpet.
DorabellaWell I'll be hornswaggled, this ain't my bag. Oh it must be the little girls, been and gone and mixed them up, easily done.
Episode 10 Turn On To T-Bag
Tallulah BagOh, you monstrous, monstrous people! You've ruined everything! Everythiiiiiiiing!
The end of civilisation as they know it.
Hello everybody, and welcome to High-TV, and now, without further ado, here is a little message from me to you!
The T. Set will be revenged and I, The High-T, will reign supreme.
Even when the path ahead seemed grey and gloomy, I knew those winds of genius would come and blow away those clouds of doubt and I was right, blow wind and crack your cheeks.
Thank you very much indeed, Professor Brightspark, you've been most helpful.
The jinx, the jinx strikes again.
T-ShirtI'd have loved to have seen Bin-Bag's face when you told her you wouldn't make her stupid booster, she must have hit the roof.
Holly-Anna JonesOne thing's for sure, you never know what's going to happen when you tune into this show.
T. Bag's Christmas Cracker
Tallulah BagFestive greetings, girls and boys, throw aside those other toys.
Don't tell me, Mother does a highland fling on top of the wardrobe before you drop off!
Indeed, but there's more than one way to pickle a walnut T-Shirt.
You'd better sleep you infernal brat.
What in the name of buttered buns is a Barnaby?
Yes you, Father Christmas, Santa Claus, whatever your name is, freeze.
You stupid boy!
Oh take no notice, It's all the excitement of Christmas Eve. Now don't you fret Mrs J, you go and put your feet up and leave me to get the little chappie ready for beddy-byes.
T-ShirtI've got to warn Santa Claus, but how? I know how.
Santa ClausLook at the time, look at the time, look at the time, oh where are those elves?
Mrs JollyYou are a one Master Edward, you are a one.
T. Bag and The Revenge of The T. Set
Episode 1 The Stone Circle
Tallulah BagThat's just great, here we go again, you stupid boy!
Curse and blast, my magic's gone!
Seek out the spoons, Sally Simpkins, but just remember this my girl, wherever you go, we'll be right behind you!
Now who's The High-T, me!
You're staying and she's staying. Get it, got it, grand.
My life's been plagued by loathsome little girls; Deborah's, Holly's, bluerghh. I'm not taking any chances with this one!
Tallulah Bag will be empress of all that is evil.
What's done can easily be undone.
Hmm, I rather like this but I don't like all this. A few changes round here and this place will suit me to a T.
T-ShirtThey could be anywhere, any place, any time, like looking for tadpoles in a typhoon.
I am your humble T-Caddy, oh great and wonderful Majesty.
She always goes out like a light.
Sally Simpkins, what do you think you're doing stealing her Majesty's precious spoons?
Sally SimpkinsIt's tipping down out there.
The High-T LadyRemember this and remember it well - I am The High-T.
Your days of running amuck are over. It's time you turned over a new leaf.
It will guide you through the T-Junctions in time and space.
Oh, I can do a great many things my girl, like this…
You must sip from the cup of goodness. The tea that puts the T in Tolerance, Tenderness and Truth.
I am the High-T.
I don't know how my dear but somehow you've stumbled onto something you ought not to know about. But believe me, you are in great danger, we all are.
Episode 2 When In Rome
Tallulah BagOf course I've got it... I've always had it!
T-ShirtWake up your Majesty. Rise and shine. Up an at 'em your Majesty.
Sally SimpkinsWell, this oughta cause a stir in the T-Room.
Emperor BiliusFriends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Today is your beloved Emperor's birthday, and if you don't all chip in and buy me a really scrummy pressie you lot I'll have you all thrown to the lions, so there! Mouldy old meanies.
It's party time, oh where is everybody?
Marcus NastiusWell I better be off now eh Caesar, I don't want to be a party pooper but my chariot's on a double yellow line.
Well sunshine, now we get some lovely ice cream for our darling Emperor's birthday party, that's what.
Episode 3 Lost In Space
Tallulah BagThat stupid boy!
Out of my way girl, your face is annoying me!
Coffee, coffee, are you mad, fix me a real drink, Tea!
The thought of it warms me to the cockles; to think of you floating about in deep, deep space for the rest of time.
If you're android's gone askew, we'll get you out of trouble, we guarantee to give to you, a new one at the double.
All I have to do is gather together the rest of the spoons and in eight days time, the power they will give me will make me the all powerful, the great High-T.
Skipper McKipper's saucy sardines, oh for Pete's sake.
Fig rolls and fairy cakes, come on, do your stuff.
You stupid boy, what have you done?
Fudge fingers, what's that?
Curse and blast and double curse and blast again, I nearly had the accursed thing in the palm of my hand if it hadn't been for that great tin oaf.
Ah, bliss, the real mccoy, lip-smacking, thirst-quenching, power-packing, real refreshing tea. Eleven out of ten for that T-Shirt, a hum-dinger of a brew that was. Now let's home in on the insufferable Sally Simpkins.
T-ShirtI am a Robot. You must do what I say.
Sally SimpkinsHappy, I'm over the moon.
Fancy a sardine?
Mr McCannikleAn intruder Captain, it's a wee girl called Sally Simpkins, says no ID. Intention identified as removal of articles from interstellar space museum.
No danger of that Captain, I'm a XL Zero mark 2, guaranteed ultra reliable.
StellaWhat's this, Skipper McKipper's saucy sardines. What a treasure, this is priceless, there can't be another like it in the whole galaxy, I'd give anything to have this in my collection.
Episode 4 Turkish Delight
Tallulah BagI need the full set you idiot, and within the next six days I might add, in order to draw the power from that great moment when the stars align themselves in the heavens, the power that will make me the High-T for all time, when evil will rule the universe and I will become invincible.
Stupid boy.
Well, that pesky girl hasn't got the next silver spoon, that's something, but we'll have to keep tabs on her just the same otherwise before we know where we are she'll be palling up with every Tom, Dick and Harry and charming the spoons out of them. Smarmy child that she is.
Sally SimpkinsThis will make T-Bag even more sick than she is already.
FizzFizz Wizz!
No lemonade; bottle of fizz!
You own me now, I am your Fizz.
Episode 5 Hazell Knutt's Muesli Bar
Tallulah BagTop of the mountain to you my good woman.
Goodbye, here's mud in your eye.
Sally and Tally, we could be chums you and me.
We don't like boys do we, Sally my best pally.
Mmmm, most palatable. Not like the real thing, of course, but a cuppa's a cuppa!
Too late again Sally Slowcoach Simpkins, four silver spoons and they're all mine. Ha, ha, ha, ha, cheers!
T-ShirtHurty wurty figgy wiggy.
But it's my favourite, the gory story hour.
Hazel KnuttWhat do you fancy? We have nut cutlets, nut pie, nut rissoles, nut burgers in a nutty bun, nut loaf, nut bake in a nut sauce, nut flan, nut curry, nut quiche, chopped nut salad with three kinds of nut, nut burgers in a nutty bun, nut cake, nut slice, nut crumble, nut pudding and nut delight with extra nuts. Oh and to start, soup of the day which today is...
I thought you might like something to wash down those biscuits with, so I've brought you some of my lovely nut tea.
On the breakfast menu today we have nut muesli, nut butter on nut bread, nutty nut flakes with nut milk, nut croissant, nut toast.
Herr CrimperAnd all because of this, my home-brewed rejuvenating tonic, I must have made it too strong.
Grizzly ThwackThis has been Grizzly Thwack, and you have been listening to the gory story hour, ha ha hah ha hah ha ha ha.
Episode 6 Rock Star Baby
Tallulah BagVery groovy, I'm sure.
As a very wise person once said to me, if at first you don't succeed…cheat!
I'm out to win, do you hear me T-Shirt, Tallulah Bag is out to win.
He said it was boring, badly sung, the most monotonous dirge he's ever had the misfortune to hear, he said that you was wasting your time and you ought to stick to selling doughnuts. I'm sorry Ricky, that's the way the cookie crumbles, that's showbiz I guess, bye.
Ricky RomeroSo much for the great Tallulah Bag
So let's celebrate, the cappuccinos are on the house.
Saul WrightI want Thomas Shirt on my show tonight, is that clear? Now get me Thomas Shirt.
Episode 7 Anastasia
Tallulah BagHow unfortunate for the poor girl!
Don't play the giddy goat with me girl, where are they?
Six silver spoons, all present and correct, wonderful. Come chum, let's away. What?
Curse you, curse all of you, 'specially you Sally Simpkins, I'll get you, see if I don't.
RudolphoWell let's just say it's all got to do with a silver spoon.
King LeopoldIn recognition of your great talent and in appreciation of your sterling character I hereby appoint you master of the King's entertainment.
RosieWhat do you expect from the greatest knife throwing act in Europe?
Episode 8 La Boheme
Tallulah BagLooks like a pizza.
The little gremlin's ripped off two pages at once. That stupid boy, I don't believe it, I'll marmalise him.
So what? Friday the thirteenth, the unluckiest day of the year.
T-ShirtOld Bin-Bag's not going to like this one little bit.
Sally SimpkinsTime I was on my way as well, only one more spoon to get.
Monsieur ClaudeParis is bursting at the Seine with good artists.
Let us paint the town rouge.
Episode 9 The Bard
Tallulah BagHamlet, Richard the third, King Lear, the Sooty Show - I've done them all!
I knew all along it was a mistake giving you your magic back; happily mistakes can be rectified.
If I've said it once I've said it a hundred times and it's true nobody makes a cup of tea like that squirt T-Shirt. Of all the T-Caddies in all the world, I had to run into him.
As Mr Wagadagger might have said, all's well that ends well.
William Wagadagger? Who the fudge finger's he? And more to the point where do I find him?
What do I see? I see a silver spoon, that's what I see and me thinks I'm off to nab it.
T-ShirtI hope I've seen the last of that old Bin Bag.
You know what this means? T-Bag's won.
Sally SimpkinsOh my bag, I only put it down for a second. How could I have been so stupid?
The QueenGood morrow.
Will WagadaggerAnd I have a part in my play that would suit you to a T.
And so it is our play has run it's course. A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!
It'll be alrighteth on the nighteth as the saying goes.
Episode 10 The Ceremony
Tallulah BagPair of little horrors!
Let the ceremony commence...
Bingo, I moved in and relieved her of her burden.
What the fudge fingers is a catacomb?
Dip in your big toe and let the waters of wickedness washover you.
The power of the Universe is within me! I am omnipotent! Invincible! All powerful!
Don't play the giddy goat with me, where are the spoons?
Curse and blast and double curse and blast again. I'll find them, I'll root them out.
Come on kiddywinkles, I'm waiting - time's running out!
ThomasUnusual that old teapot.
The High-T LadyTime and tide wait for no man, no woman either.
So it has come to pass, The T. Set is revenged and all thanks to you.
Hello, oh! What happened? Where am I? What is this? Oh, the pendant, Sally must have dropped it, oh she could be in great danger.
Bring me back those spoons.
You can’t harm us you monster!
T. Bag's Christmas Carol
Tallulah BagCurse and blast and double curse and blast again.
Evil has once again prevailed, and I am evil, no-one is more evil than me, I am the great High-T, the great majesty and I have won, I have won.
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat, the world is full of happy folk, but that's enough of that. Tomorrow's going to find her with miseries untold, she'll wake up lost, without a friend, she'll be out in the cold!
That's more like it, snow place like home.
I'll get that girl if it's last the last thing I ever do.
T-ShirtWhat about the mince pies and the blazing log fire?
Sally SimpkinsMerry Christmas T-Bag wherever you are.
This is the worst Christmas I've ever had.
Emily ScrumptiousYou know I have great expectations of you Mr Pickens.
Ohhhh, listen to that horrible dirge.
I'm a mean old miserly misery guts and I hate Christmas.
Giles PickensThis is the best Christmas I've ever had.
T. Bag and The Pearls of Wisdom
Episode 1 Any Old Port
Tabatha BagNobody tangles with Tabatha Bag and survives to tell the tale.
Nice Cake..mmm.
This time you’re dealing with Tabatha Bag and if you think my sister was bad, o - just you wait!
I am the all powerful High-T.
Oh, you stupid boy, look what you made me do.
I do think the danger's past, come my treasured lumpet, let's away.
Tea plant, oh tea plant...if only you could speak....tell me, your dark and hidden secrets…
Where my sister failed I shall succeed, the world is within my grasp. I will be all-powerful, invincible, and nobody, nobody, will get in my way.
T-ShirtCake, not snake!
Yeah, I spent years at the T-Caddy academy before I went to work for Tallula…
Sally SimpkinsDoes the name Tallulah ring any bells? Tallulah Bag?
Alright. Listen, do you fancy coming out somewhere, it's too nice to be stuck indoors.
Captain CockleAny old port in a storm.
There's a storm brewing, and here's me all at sea without a roof over my head, thank you for nothing Tabatha Bag.
Take a peppermint to send you on your way.
You've got to, I've got a feeling this is only the beginning, something terrible is going to happen, I can feel it in my bones. Something truly terrible.
Episode 2 High Noon
Tabatha BagSay look who it isn't, the big bad bank robber himself. Who's been a naughty, naughty boy then?
Sure, I'm sure, everybody knows the Kid is a girl.
You stupid boy, come here.
T-ShirtNow we go down there and we get the pearl from the nice man.
Pearl StarrI feel sick as a prairie rat about it. You know there's never been a robbery in Tumbleweed Gulch before and I am completely bamboozled.
Episode 3 Elementary, My Dear What-Not
Tabatha BagBald-headed, left-handed, left legged, Australian trombone playing pirate.
After a series of brilliant deductions, I have reason to believe that your dog is in the posession of a family of bulgarian acrobats, residing on board a leaky boat moored three and a half miles off of Madagascar.
T-ShirtDastardly deeds are being done on Dartmoor as crack sleuth Sherlock Holmes and his faithful companion, Doctor Watson, pit their wits against the horrific hound haunting the heath.
P.C. ClodI was proceeding in a southerly direction when my attention was motivated towards an unfamiliar personage of juvenile appearance who volunteered information to the effect that she was temporarily disorientated and seeking assistance.
My own humble investigations into the dilemma of the disappearing dog have led me to conclude that the aforementioned animal is located here.
Episode 4 Grimble and Squiffy
Tabatha BagBut, don't but but but but me, no buts my boy. Go!
Oh, and the pearls of wisdom to boot.
T-ShirtLord Tennington Sprat, with three t's and a sandwich.
GrimbleMind the cat!
Lord Squiffington FopMe Lord Squiffington Fop, a dedicated follower of fashion if ever there was one, without a button to my name. Alas I am undone.
This is not a perishing pickled onion you poltroon, this is a precious pearl.
Oh Pip, a rip, in the placket of my jacket, oh odds-bodkins.
Come along everybody, don't just stand there. Doesn't anyone know any of the latest dance steps?
Episode 5 Mutiny!
Tabatha BagWhy have you got a chip on your shoulder?
You stupid old codswallop, look what you made me do.
T-ShirtOk, you nose best.
A spot of milk in your tea?
Sally SimpkinsOh, she had to go, after all she was hopping mad.
Captain BlighterI only joined the navy to be near fish.
Mr QuestionThis isn't a royal navy ship, this is a flaming floating funfair.
I've never seen a fish like it, a sort of cross between a barracuda and a pilchard.
He has got to go. He has got to go.
Who the festering barnacles are you?
Episode 6 The Ghost of Castle McCarr
Tabatha BagRight, you have just come up with your annual good idea, lets go.
Make me a cup of tea, and I don't mean tomorrow!
I feel as though there's eight sumo wrestlers with hobnail boots on morris dancing inside my head.
Go to the top of the class and jump off.
Will somebody kindly explain to me how it is that that girl is constantly running into old biddies who constantly take pity on the brat?
Oh, boot's on the other foot now, isn't it?
Sally Simpkins, are you here?
T-ShirtI wasn't asleep, I was just looking at the inside of my eyelids.
Granny McCarrOhhhhhh, time to go, tatty bye, tatty bye.
Rob McCarrFifty pee!
Grizzly ThwackThat was the gory story hour, featuring your ghostly host Grizzly Thwack, the man in black, ha ha hah ha hah ha ha ha, tune in next week.
Episode 7 Tut Tut
Tabatha BagWhy can't you be more serious?
Come on my treasured lumpet, let's away.
Don't stand there like a prized pilchard, get me my tea and make it snappy.
Sally SimpkinsWell that's another one, in the bag.
High PriestWhy can't you be less serious?
OsirisThe royal builders began with 23, 741 stone blocks, now 1, 326 are cracked and unusable, another 510 accidentally fell into the nile, 77 are the wrong shape and 13 were stolen. So what they want to know is how many more blocks will they need to finish the building. I said I would ask you, you are so good at sums.
By the spirits of Ancient Egypt.
Episode 8 Cedric Sackbutt's Search For A Song
Tabatha BagCome on, come on, away my treasured lumpet.
I don't need your pathetic ideas, I have pathetic ideas of my own, I mean brilliant, brilliant ideas of my own.
Oh you toffee nose old bore, be quiet.
Ohhhhhh, poor old me, poor old me, oh I'm poor alright. Nobody in the whole wide world is half as poor as what I am, ohhhh, poor did you say?
T-ShirtThe story of your life, your Majesty.
Sally SimpkinsBless you T-Bag.
Where the babbling brook flows, the sweet flower grows, the snowdrop, the bluebell, the pretty primrose, now what next? Daisy, Buttercup, Lilac and Thyme, all I need now is a half-decent rhyme.
Robyn HoodWell it's Robyn with a Y and not Robin with an I.
You have me at a disadvantage stranger. What do you want?
Episode 9 Play It Again, Sal
Tabatha BagI will pay a little visit to Mr Beau Legge and see what's afoot.
Right kiddywinks, hmm, you may have all the pearls and you think you've won the game, well hmm, you've got another think coming.
T-ShirtOh this is even worse than being with old Bin-Bag.
Sally SimpkinsOf all the cafés in all the world you had to walk into this one.
Sand in your coffee and sand in your tea, sand in your sandwich, you've got to agree. Sand in your sandles and sand in your hair, when it comes to the desert, there's sand everywhere!
Beau LeggeWomen are not allowed in here, females are forbidden, girls must go.
It's so romantic, my heart beats frantic, I'd swim the Atlantic to be with you.
Episode 10 The Pearls Of Wisdom
Tabatha BagNow what’s to be done with the gleesome threesome?
So Captain two-faced Cockle destroyed all the pearls did you? What’s this then a pickled onion?
Missed the boat, eh? Not for the first time!
Oh look at them, look at them, like a pair of petrified puppies.
That gullible old fishface. What a pushover!
Now tomorrow morning will see the start of my reign of misery and terror, oh what fun it will be.
Now my little pesky pearls of wisdom, I'm going to smash you to smithereens.
Now there's a sight for sore eyes. The all powerful, wonderful Pearls of Wisdom reduced to nothing but a pile of useless powder.
Oh hello kiddywinks, can you hear me? It's your Auntie Tabatha talking.
T-ShirtHow about if we got hold of a helicopter, flew it up to the lighthouse, and then abseiled down onto the roof on some rope, lob a couple of smoke bombs in to cause a diversion and then…
I know we could go out in a boat, get some scuba gear and swim under water to the foot of the cliff, tunnel up into the lighthouse from below.
Where are the pearls, Bin-Bag?
ThomasSally, Sally, Sally. Sally any chance of a hand with these things?
Sally SimpkinsWe've got all the pearls, now let's get back and give them to Captain Cockle.
Captain CockleThere's only eight, there should be nine, there's one missing.
You've done it, you've done it, you've done it, T-Bag has gone, the light of wisdom has shone, and her evil is destroyed, you've done it.
There isn't an inch of ocean nor a centimetre of sea that I haven't traversed in my day.
T. Bag's Christmas Ding-Dong
Tabatha BagSounds like balloons being rubbed together.
Come my treasured lumpet, let's away and lubricate the old tonsils.
Oops and sorry, sorry and oops, the two most well used words in your vocabulary.
I mean I can lay my hands on an opera which will knock the monograms off your socks.
Oh the toast of Europe's uppercrust, opera's golden wonder boy. Composer of such immortal classics as Tea Cosi fan tutte, need I say more?
T-ShirtThe day they dished out manners, she was out blowing raspberries at the Vicar.
We’re in for a Ding-Dong.
Well that's great isn't it? I just wanted to give you a Christmas treat.
Archduke FritzThe plumbing at the palace makes a better noise than she does.
PumpernickelCrying out loud, cover yourself up madam, this isn’t Paris you know.
Vanity BagThat’s what you think, there’s only one star around here and that’s me.
You're right, it's Christmas, a time of peace and good will.
T. Bag and The Rings of Olympus
Episode 1 The Rings Of Olympus
Tabatha BagKeep out of this, Grandma!
Minotaur...it's Greek for mind the door.
Roll up your robe and get your size fifteen out of here... pa-rrronto!
Everything's hunky dory - my hunk has seldom been dorier.
Don't just stand there like a lump of putty, pick 'em up.
You will do exactly as I say.
The great and magnificent Tabatha Bag is back with a vengeance.
You say that one more time and I'll rip that tongue out and wrap it round right that neck.
How the ham-sandwich should I know?
Mmmm yes, you’ve grown since last we met, especially your lip!
Oh yeah, the Rings of Olympus, shortly to become the rings of Tabatha.
Come on, I'll explain my cunning plan on the way.
T-ShirtI trust you completely Polly-Styrene, Polly-Urethane…
A bit of gumption, that’s all that’s needed and I’m full of it.
Hey look, a ruined temple, just like something out of Indiana Jones.
AthenaToo late, they've gone, scattered across time and space where you will never get your evil hands on them.
Wait, you will need to be prepared, for your journey will take you to many strange and unfamiliar places.
Go now, hurry, use the power of the ring. Go safely my child, go safely.
Episode 2 Bandits
Tabatha BagCurse and blast and double curse and blast again.
I would, but I'm on a diet!
T-ShirtShe's the liar, kick her out.
El MoustachioIt's a very good bank in this town, it's the bank that likes to say ci.
Nice poncho, Honcho.
OK girl, you're one of the boys now.
I always say judge a man by his moustache.
Tia Maria tequila enchilada.
Episode 3 The Yukon
Tabatha BagI'm gonna rip off your ears and use them as soap dishes.
Lang may your lum reek!
You couldn't figure out a one piece jigsaw!
Good afternoon, a top of the roof to you my good man, you and I have a mutual objective.
Whaaaaaaaaat? Ohhhhh, trust that Grizzly chops to get it wrong. Quick, quick, now follow me and I'll explain on the way.
T-ShirtGot any logs you want chopping lady?
Well if you've got any redwood you want felled then I'm your man.
PollyHa very ha.
Maggie McDougalYou know what I'm going to do, I'm going to write it in letters ten feet high on the wall, I ain't got no gold.
Episode 4 Rum Barbara
Tabatha BagAre you implying that I lack soo-phisti-cation?
You wouldn't like me to hit you over the head again with the sofa, do you?
Stuff me in the cannon and blast me over the horizon.
What am I talking like a pirate for?
Take a tip from someone who knows my friend, never invest your hard earned cash in Bobby Charlton's patent hair-restorer.
And have a tod of rum here for my parrot Shipmates.
Don't just stand there looking like a second hand lavatory brush, hide.
So all I have to do then is collar this Brummie Barbara or whatever her name is and I know just how to do it, come, let's away.
Now remember not just a tap, make it a jolly good wallop.
T-ShirtYeah, you can still see the teeth marks in the table leg from last time.
Rum BarbaraUp with your hands you scurvy upper crust toff. You stuck-up la-di-da ostentatious poltroon, give me the heebie-jeebies.
NettieNever judge a book by it's cover, Mr Bacardi.
If you want me, you know where to find me.
Well tough luck and too bad, I'm off to sea and I won't be coming back.
Oscar BacardiEh little lady, turn that frown upside-down.
Await Jimlad, avast me hearties, belay, belay.
Well little lady, where you have failed I shall succeed. When Rum Barbara reads this she'll be up the aisle faster than a rat up a drainpipe.
Episode 5 Vampires
Tabatha BagOK spooky Joe - hold on to your fangs!
I shall expect a full pot of you know what when I return.
T-ShirtIt's like a meeting of the T-Bag fan club!
Granny BagGive me strength... and a couple of fig cakes.
Ninety pence for a cup a' tea... Outrageous!
The good news is that I've got the whole thing on video, so we can sit back and enjoy it all over again, budge up duckie.
Trick or treat, come out of your houses, give us something yummy or we'll set fire to your trousers.
Trick or treat, trick or treat, chuck some chocolate into the street.
Is the kettle on? My tongue feels like the bottom of a bird cage, here.
Trust me to get lumbered with a po-faced granddaughter. What that girl needs is a bit of fun in her life.
Count Igor Von FledermauseWell I have to admit I had better days.
I haven't been the same since I died, dyed my hair.
Episode 6 Exit With A Puff
Tabatha BagI can remember what it was like to be fourteen, you know. It was only seven years ago.
O me, o my, o me, o - What is it?
A brain dead stick insect could come up with a better plot.
T-ShirtI've got more stars than the Milky Way.
Before you go barging in like a rhinoceros with horn-ache.
PollyThanks, well that's one in the eye for T-Bag.
Delores ClapperLooks like Exit With A Puff just went up in smoke.
You're a gift from the gods, my dear, sent from Heaven to save us.
Max ClapperMadam. A word hasn't yet been invented to adequately describe your performance.
We had to start shooting with Scarlet O' Sugar looking like a Rip Van Winkle in a wig.
Episode 7 Rats
Tabatha BagObviously you've never heard of Rattus elongatus, pardon me latin.
Ouuurrgggghhhhh, don't move, Rattus elongatus, the giant rat, riiiiiiiiight behind yaaaaaaaaaa!
It's got to be here somewhere, it must be here, I'm gonna find it if it's last the last thing I ever do.
T-ShirtPeople don't just disappear!
Another oscar winning performance by the boy wonder, shove over James Cagney, you dirty rat.
Oh rats.
PollyThat's all I need, the Teenage Mutant Hero Shirt.
Well fellas, that's what I call a narrow squeak.
Prunella PlumWell what's up? You look like you've been gargling with vinegar.
The word suffering hadn't been invented until I was born.
Oh what a life I've had, you don't know the half of it. Squalour, deprivation and back-breaking toil, and those were the good bits.
The WeaselI knows these streets like the back of me hand.
Episode 8 Leonardo
Tabatha BagMake me a cup of tea you idiot, and I don't mean tomorrow!
I hope you remembered to feed your cat!
You'll do nothing of the no-such which.
Love pellets, power packed pills for pepping up people's passions.
Drink, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die.
Oh! Why can't I meet any normal people?
T-ShirtLook at that, roll over Botticelli.
Duke of FlorenceLet us drink to forget love.
Are you trying to take the Michelangelo or something?
You demented old fossil, you.
I am mad alright, mad for your love. You divine nymph, everything I have is yours.
I have got the cramps, the pins and the needles and the blisters on the backsides sitting here all day like a big idioto!
LeonardoHe would have gladly have given his every last possession to the one-a who stol-a his 'art-a!
Episode 9 Torture
Tabatha Bag...because they both have a tendency to kick the bucket.
Can't you do one single thing right? Taking a television set back to the 16th Century, Oh you idiot, why couldn't you take something sensible like a, well a compact disc player?
Have you got something to stop this coffin?
Granny I've told you a million times already, you take hold of the fat end and you hit it with the stick.
I feel a 24-carat wheeze coming on.
We'll be back later to conclude our little bit of business.
T-ShirtThe prisoner of your choice gets ten quick flicks with a tickling stick, a pint of cold custard down the back of the neck and a slap with a wet haddock and all for the price of an earring.
PollyExcuse me, it's way past Mr Heffalump's bedtime.
Queen ElizabethGuilty, guilty and guilty again. You can dangle there 'til you rot.
What are you trying to do, poison me? That's it, isn't it. You've never liked me, Pistol, you're fired!
Well don't just stand there like an out-of-work village idiot.
Don't forget his hottle-wottle-bottle, or I may just have to chop your head off!
Sir Walter PistolGive that girl a potato mamm.
You had your chance kiddo, and you blew it.
Curses, double curses, typhoons, turnips and whelks. Right, I'll just have to dream up some other way to kill the Queen, won't I? Well you mark my words she's a dead duck.
Episode 10 Return To Olympus
Tabatha BagChoose the shoes that fits the foots.
Like a bad-shaped albatross luck charm.
You’re dead ducks this time you two.
She's as thick as a Christmas size bar of fruit and nut!
I can feel a grade-A, five-star, wamdinger of a wangle coming on.
Zip your lip, Tabatha Bag is back with a vengeance. The mighty Rings of Olympus are mine, the power of the Gods belongs to me.
All you've got to say is 'hand over the rings' and Bob's your Auntie.
I'm gonna wipe those smug smiles off those faces if it's the last thing I ever do.
You have done wonderfully well Polly-Zena and your exploits will be talked on for many generations to come and now my dear, if you please, The Rings of Olympus.
Who's afraid of a little Minotaur?
Bring me those rings or you're fired Shirt.
Look, look, there. I knew there was somebody here, I knew it, I knew it. I can smell it, it was that Polly-wolly doodle thing, she was here. I can smell the foul stench of sweetness in the air.
PollyNow go away Bin Bag.
Five, six, seven, eight, nine, one more and I'm laughing.
AthenaEvil has been banished, goodness has triumphed, all is well.
Persevere my girl, persevere, but take care. And know that the path your are on is a dangerous one, beware, beware, beware.
ZeusYou have insulted Zeus, the God of all Gods, and for that you shall perish.
Who dares bring evil and destruction to this holiest of places?
T. Bag's Christmas Turkey
Tabatha BagI felt like Pinnochio trapped in a lift with a woodpecker, peck, peck, peck!
Oh, bug off, you little rat faced ferret, before I rip out your tongue and whip you black and blue with it.
Better still, drop yourself from the Matahorne.
You had it coming, well now it's here, three blissful weeks without the merest jingle of a bell, the cracking of a nut or the stench of a Brussel sprout, ecstasy, I hereby declare this place a Christmas-free zone.
What in the name of trifle-pudding are you doing here?
I'll soon put a stop to this little festive fiasco circus.
This will be the biggest Christmas Turkey ever and this'll put Mumsie's nose out of joint once and for all.
Right, there. No Christmas frolicking in this neighbourhood and woe betide anyone who does.
T-ShirtMerry Christmas T-Bag. Thanks for nothing.
Mumsie BagThe neighbours will be greener than a field full of sea-sick cabbages.
He loves Christmas, he adores Christmas, he's a Christmas nut.
Pepe PeperoniThis will be the performance to end all performances.
Mamma mia, your tiny hand is frozen, let me warm it into life.
You're hungry? Course he's hungry. Get the a boy a hot mince pie.
Marguerita PeperoniWith the littlest big top in town.
T. Bag And The Sunstones Of Montezuma
Episode 1 In The Footsteps Of Kit Bag
Tabatha BagDon't be ridiculous, where do you think we are, Picadilly Circus on a Saturday afternoon!
No, he's just testing his outboard motor on his sleeping bag.
Woe betide the world when I do.
Who do you think we are: the Tunbridge Wells Over-50s Club?
Once a Shirt - always a Shirt!
Here we are and those are they.
T-ShirtWhat do you think of the plot so far then… Rubbish!
Good grief, is that the time? I'm meant to be opening the batting for the tea making academy softball team at twelve. Gotta go, cheerio.
Diggory39 days in the most primative conditions, no food, no water, I tell you Gatwick airport's no place to get marooned during a baggage handlers strike.
Ecaps dna emit ni tsoleb dna rettacs senots nus yawa!
I'm an archaeologist, you know. My whole life is in ruins.
Oh dear, poor you. Lost? Cor! Mind you, it's easily done. I was lost once up the umpopo, my sextant was eaten by a crocodile.
Episode 2 Gussie and Twittering
Tabatha BagShirtsworth here is the prototype stereo walkman, isn't that right Shirtsworth?
You want sun and air, go to Majorca!
T-ShirtToday T-Bag clobbered me over the head with a lavatory brush.
All we know for sure is that the nine precious stones are scattered somewhere across time and space, finding them again will be like looking for pickpockets on a nudist beach.
Who's the geezer with the cakehole full of marbles?
When you talk it's like, like an explosion in an alphabetty spaghetti factory.
Penny HuntGot it. Looks like I bowled a maiden over.
TwitteringWould it be seeming to enquire as to the quidity of Sir's discombobulation?
Oh yes indeed young fry. England, Oh England.
Episode 3 Wilma Tell
Tabatha BagTime for Mr Guzzler's anaesthetic.
You will, come on, I'll explain on the way.
Of course I'm Wilma Tell, look here's my funicular railway pass.
T-ShirtOo ar, oo ar, oo ar, I be Tom Toblerone, a humble goat herder from the valley yonder.
Penny HuntAnd the name of this ruthless power-mad tyrant is T-Bag.
Wilma TellChocs away, victory is ours.
Hamburger GuzzlerGuards, from now on anyone caught in possession of a banana will be horse-whipped.
Episode 4 Gone Fishing
Tabatha BagIf there's one thing I can't stomach, is happy endings.
I've seen ski-slopes shorter than that face, what is it?
You couldn't get yourself a job as a lifeguard attending in a carwash.
Right, you're going to pay for this mate, deserting me, next time you sing in the choir you'll be singing with the sopranos.
Penny HuntGet thee gone Mortal.
Aunt MollyHoly moly, well strike me low with a waffle iron, how did you do that?
I'll tear his lugs out, that no good, low-down son of a water moccasin.
It's all for the greater good, honey child. You take it. After all you rid the neighbourhood of that swindling prairie dog Goosepellett. Was ever a man better named?
Episode 5 Hippies
Tabatha BagEnough gas to launch an airship...
Don't you madge me, mate!
My mother was right, I should have got myself a budgie.
Well you've heard of T-Rex, well I'm T-Bag.
I didn't know you were going to pull off a stunt like that.
T-ShirtWho were you expecting, Bart Simpson?
Penny HuntYeah, yeh, yeh, mellow out, always hang loose.
Sonny DazeThis guy is cooler than a eskimo's nose on a windy night, he's more laid back than a limbo dancer, he's hip, he's hip, and he's here in the studio, now playing for you live his latest number one smasharoonie, Ed Banger.
Ed BangerI'm feeling quite weird, cause I’m growing a beard, I'll be moustachioed one day, on Marshmellow Monday.
Hey babe, we're on a one way ticket to cosmic city here.
Radio L.O.V.E JingleRadio Love, on 1 8 4, the grooviest sounds and a whole lot more.
Episode 6 Ra Ra Rasputin
Tabatha BagGrab a lug-full a' this dear!
I'll wash that smug look off your face dear, even if I have to buy a bar of soap the size of Bolivia.
If you don't shut that sore outlet that talks like a mouth, I'll get hold of a staple gun and shut it for you.
We would have been quicker Maam but there was an uprising in the Urals.
I'll get to the bottom of this tedious little plot, if it's the last thing you ever do.
Come on, I'll explain on the way.
T-ShirtThen you had the audacity to call me hopeless. Ha, you! You give failure a bad name, you do. Binbag, Windbag. I'll tell you something, the day it started raining brains you had your brolly up girl.
Penny HuntNostrovia T-Bag.
Episode 7 One Million Years B.C.
Tabatha BagMake me a cup of tea, and I don't mean tomorrow!
I'll show you what it's like to have a hole in one... and a big lump ripped out the other!
T-ShirtNot such a stupid boy now, hey Bin-Bag.
Penny HuntI'm a vegetarian, I object to people eating meat, especially when I'm the meat.
IgnatiusAs Father sat upon a boulder, a mammoth tapped him on the shoulder. It's foot came down and with a splat, poor old Dad was trampled flat. Ascended now to a lofty height, the kids all use him as a kite.
A man's got to do what a man's got to do and so must I.
ThugYou mean he's gone to live in Milton Keynes.
Episode 8 Napoleon and Josephine
Tabatha BagWhat is up Bidet? You look flushed.
When I want your opinion I'll give it to you.
Oh give the man a Coq au Vin.
While you've been faffing around in here, I've not only put pee-wee piffle pants out of action but I've pinched her bag as well, ha ha ha ha!
NapoleonDo not worry Monsieur, I will be hiding behind the screen with my small arms and my little legs.
Thank heavens for little girls.
Bidet, you have the mental capacity of a senile stick insect, get out.
BidetThat is not Napoleon, that is a phoney Boney.
Episode 9 Y-Fronts
Tabatha BagOh as steady as a jelly in a lift.
You know what they say, love is better the forty-second time around.
I've got to get that bag, and I don't mean tomorrow.
Now you come with me lover boy, ha-hah, there's work to be done.
T-ShirtYeah, right up to her neck in it, cos Penny's got all nine of the sunstones and if you don't stop her, like double quick, you're sunk.
I'm gonna die and I never got to kiss a girl.
It's no wonder, cobwebs alone would set you back a couple of grand.
Y-FrontsShut your hand and hold out your eyes.
Y-FrontsYou're a pretty lady.
Episode 10 Montezuma's Revenge
Tabatha BagDaddy.. Daughter.. Die..
Come on, come on, come on. Hurry it up hot features.
You could have painted a target on your chest for a start!
They are irrefutable proof of the existence of pure magic; you can't let that slip, slip through your fingers, can you?
The power of the sun is within me! My every atom is infused with solar energy. I am omni-powerful!
As if I'd lay one finger on your daughter when I've got a perfectly good fist at the end of my arm.
Oh, it's incredible, I N K-redible, how could she get all nine of those sunstones?
The power of the sun will be mine.
T-ShirtWhen she walks into a room Daleks hide behind the sofa.
There's more than one way to milk a duck.
Penny HuntLoving the planet's one thing, snogging with it's another. Come on.
Firing Retro Rockets now!
Kit BagWell, we'll just jolly well have to gatecrash, won't we?
Take Off With T. Bag
Episode 1 Many Happy Returns
Tabatha BagThe greatest gift of all.
Here it is you’re very own top of the range, authentic, hand craft, genuine Swiss cuckoo clock made in Taiwan.
No, I'm not going to Birmingham, why do I want to go to Birmingham for?
I'm deeply non-plussed, My pluss as seldom been nonner.
T-ShirtHuxley Pig, soap on a rope!
I'm fed up playing second banana to a flaming fruit cake.
I told the old bootlace to get knotted.
What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the tea making academy?
Granny BagAre you canvassing for the monster-raving looney party, 'cause if you are, you've got my vote sunshine.
I got just one question for you. Did you get the ball back?
Episode 2 Thief Of Baghdad
Tabatha BagNot even a sausage, not even a party-sized, miniature, cocktail-sticked chipolata; nothing. Oh I’ve had enough.
Oh, you idiot, you're fired Tow-Ling.
T-ShirtOk, here goes, open senapodes, sink or swim
Open Saturday sing something simple
AliDon't dilly-dally, shop with Ali.
You've heard of Aladdin. Yeah, well that belonged to a lad in Lewisham.
Open sausages, salami and spam
This recession, when will it ever end?
Sultan BagwashI've been ripped off more times than a chippendale's shirt.
Episode 3 Bagsy Malone
Tabatha BagI'm Florence Lawrence, queen of the high and low C's, and this is Nancy Clancy, trombonist, trombonist!
That mouth of yours is going to get you in serious trouble one day... so please don't stop talking!
I'd rather trust Moby Dick to host the lovely legs contest.
We extricate ourselves from the situation using the subtlest means we can, leave it to me.
T-ShirtVorsprung Durch Technic.
Just call me Columbo.
Hey, I was right, Jewellery store raid. The Shirt is well chuffed.
Tow-Ling ShirtAnd all before I turn ten.
Another golden envelope!
Lieutenant KowalskiWe're looking at fifteen years in the slammer, minimum… each.
Episode 4 Curse Of The Mummy
Tabatha BagIt's not music, that's a giraffe with a punctured neck.
T-ShirtShe may be hoity but she’ll never see toity again.
The Shirt is well spellbound.
Tow-Ling ShirtAnother golden envelope! Yep a new set of co-ordinates.
Claude deTerreI have seen wondrous things.
Episode 5 Doctor Strangebag
Tabatha BagOh what I need is a lovely cuppa tea, I'd soon show that demented old spongebag.
T-ShirtThe name's Shirt, Tom Shirt.
I'm sure James Bond wouldn't carry on like that.
Tow-Ling ShirtAnother golden envelope!
Bermuda ShultzI asked you to go spying, not come dancing.
I don't know what any of you are talking about but in one minute we are going to end up like four very well done shish kebabs so if any of you can do anything to get us out of here just do it.
Doctor StrangebagIn two minutes when Rainmaker one blasts off into space, you my dear and your friends are going to have the best seats in the house.
There's more than one way to pickle a walnut.
Episode 6 Antony and Cleopatra
Tabatha BagI’ve just had a brainwave, quick back to the ship, I’ll explain on the way.
AntoniusLook at that face, like someone pouring cement over an orange.
I know it's no fun being a slave but it's the way of the world, I mean you'll get used to it, in a few years.
BrutusRight Squire, he's all yours. Now that's your guarantee, your owner's manual and your M.O.T.
Mind changing potion, one drop will change even the most stubborn, most pig-headed, most made up minds. Just the job. Ha, ha, ha.
Episode 7 Phantom Of The Opera
Tabatha BagTow-Ling, make me a cup of tea and I don't mean tomorrow!
You wouldn't know your arias from your elbow.
Life is just a bowl of cherries.
Oh Shirty, when they made you they threw away the mould but the mould kept growing and growing over that rotten thing you call a brain.
Maestro, did Beethoven use an ear-trumpet?
This is hardly befitting for a member of the Royal T-Set.
Go and find me my birthday surprise and I don't mean tomorrow!
T-ShirtOh, singing, that's what it was, I thought a lovesick moose was running amock in a bagpipe testing factory.
During the interval she had half a pint of largo, came on in the second half completely pizzicato.
Fritz SchnitzelOw, ow, ouch! In all my years in the opera never have I heard such a sound.
I need a moment to repair my shattered eardrums.
The PhantomI can hear singing, if you can call that caterwauling cacophony singing.
Olwyn de BagThis rate, Fritz, I'm going to be making my entrance in a coffin.
You can just push off you, you old dragon.
Episode 8 Bin Bag
Tabatha BagAnd knowing you it will turn out to be the Kennington Oval.
Just what we needed, a hippy tennis ball.
That boy disappears more times than Paul Daniels' rabbit.
It's blacker than crow's nostril after he just flown down a coal mine during a total eclipse of the sun.
We'll do nothing of the no-such which.
I don’t pay you to sit around playing stupid computer games.
T-ShirtTuesday five past four, T. Bag and the Revenge of the golden cupcakes from planet Zog, series 103 of this long running popular children's comedy.
Tow-Ling ShirtI need to boldly go where no boy's been since breakfast time.
Bin BagI just don't get it, what suicidal spongehead would bring a creature like that onboard?
Snivelly little snotty nose stowaway, that's all I need.
Huh, what is it with you gimpoid? You've been in a timewarp for the last fifty years or what?
I don’t want to miss Revenge of the Golden Cupcakes, catch you later kibbling.
Oh no, it's not destroyed, it's multiplying itself. Thousands of the flaming things. Oh that's it, I've had enough. Abandon ship, abandon ship.
Episode 9 The Red Shoes
Tabatha BagGuess which one's the sap!
Save ya money on a haircut, Shirty - cut ya head off!
You couldn't carry a tune if there was handles on it.
Are you out of your mind, forget it, nobody gets one over on Shirley Shirt.
Oh you, you're dimmer than a cardboard light bulb, that's you.
Meryl Streep was never a carrot,
I'm here to audition for your all singing, all dancing and all talking TV spectacular.
And another blasted golden envelope!
T-ShirtGreener than a car-sick snooker table
This lady is the most gifted singer and dancer in the whole country and that's not just my opinion, it's hers.
Darren KatzThou shalt not sing.
The KidI'm here Mr Katz, keep your fake toupee on will ya, I'm here.
Episode 10 Shangri-La
Tabatha BagI'm not going anywhere until I get my present.
The weirdos are out in force today.
And Thomas the tank engine is joining the Royal Ballet.
This does not require your infantile playground humour. What is needed is a soupçon bit of sophisticated humour. What superstar has got eight bums?
T-ShirtThe Trifle Tower!
Come on everybody lets all raise our glasses and toast our favourite Birthday girl.
Get it into your head girl - you just can't do sarcasm!
Have you got Master Bun, the unemployed Baker’s Son?
Tow-Ling ShirtAnybody here from Sunderland?
No, do you have Mrs Drip, the plumber’s ex-wife who ran of with Mr Stamp the postman?
Multiple episodes
On T-Shirt's ShirtShirty Something.
Full Metal T-Shirt.