T-Bag Bounces Back Episode 7: Bell, Book And Candle

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UK Air DateFri 06/03/1987, 4.20pm
Repeat ScreeningThurs 17/08/1989, 4.25pm
Copyright YearMCMLXXXVI (1986)
VTR Date27/08/1986
Fremantle Archive Ref35292 (series ref)
Runtime00:19:57:24
Consecutive Episode Number27
IMDB LinkEpisode page

T. Bag (Tallulah Bag)Elizabeth Estensen
T. ShirtJohn Hasler
DebbieJennie Stallwood
Wilma WishboneMaggie Ollerenshaw
King RufusDavid Timson
Prince'Bubbles' The Sheepdog

Make UpAnn Briggs
Costume DesignerRaymond Childe
Graphic DesignerAlex Forbes
Stage ManagerBobby Webber
Production AssistantJoanna Stewart
Songs ByTerry Trower
Written ByLee Pressman
Grant Cathro
DesignerJohn Plant
ProducersCharles Warren
Leon Thau
DirectorLeon Thau

Wilma Wishbone turns up at King Rufus’ castle to be his sorceress but when he tells her he has a dog so he does not need her for company she makes his dog disappear so he is lonely again. He goes searching for his dog and he meets up with Debbie. King Rufus’ dog ends up in the T-Room and T-Shirt hides the dog from T-Bag. T-Bag goes to get the bell from Wilma Wishbone.
The High-T Website synopsis
Debbie arrives in a strange land where she meets King Rufus who is unhappy because he has lost his dog, which has been spirited away by Wilma Wishbone, a nasty, mean fairytale witch.
TV Times listing

If you would like to contribute your favourite/funniest etc quotes from this episode please contact me.

A dizzy scatter-brained feather-headed bungler

T-Bag: What are you? Don't answer me, I'll tell you. You're an oaf, a dote, a dope, a numbskull, a dizzy scatter-brained feather-headed bungler.
T-Shirt: True but I make a nice cuppa tea.
T-Bag: Don't get cute with me boy, it won't wash. Was tea mentioned?
T-Shirt: Coming right up.
T-Bag: Five gold bells the little madam's got and all because of you. Must have been mad getting you back to help me. Why can't you use a little gumption once in a while? Answer me that.
T-Shirt: I've been thinking.
T-Bag: Oh thinking, whatever next, my goodness, thinking. Well there's a first time for everything I suppose. And what prey were you thinking?
T-Shirt: Can I have a pet?
T-Bag: I'm sorry, what was that?
T-Shirt: Can I have a pet?
T-Bag: Haven't you been listening to a word I've been saying?
T-Shirt: Not a big pet, an elephant or anything like that.
T-Bag: T-Shirt, that empty cavity you call a brain is on an entirely different wavelength.
T-Shirt: Something like a horse, yeah.
T-Bag: I despair, I do, I despair.
T-Shirt: Or, I know, a goat. We could have a goat. And before you say anything about the smell, don't worry, the goat would get used to it (he laughs). Good joke that eh?
T-Bag: You'll be laughing on the other side of your face boy if that little Madam gets hold of any more gold bells. So stop wasting my time with all this pet nonsense. They'll be no pets around here and that's final.
T-Shirt: Oh but I've always wanted a pet.
T-Bag: Tough, you're not getting one.
T-Shirt: Please.
T-Bag: No!
T-Shirt: Why not?
T-Bag: Look, I don't have to answer you. I will not have you questioning my every word, I've given you my answer and it's no. And no means no.
T-Shirt: A goldfish?

Added: 04/04/2016

A three year spell at charm school

King Rufus: Oh look at your little face. Yes you're happy aren't you? Yes. And I'm happy too, ooh. Good boy (door bell rings) good boy. Oh my goodness, a visitor (chuckles). Stay, I wonder whoever it could be. I'm not expecting anyone, oh good doggy, good doggy.
Wilma Wishbone: Well, here I am at last. What a trek that was. A little late but all in one piece. Very nice, I approve. Those pictures'll have to go though I'm afraid and I'm not at all keen on the statues. Uck, horrible.
King Rufus: Who are you?
Wilma Wishbone: My card.
King Rufus: Wilma Wishbone, sorceress. A sorceress.
Wilma Wishbone: Precisely. I did a three year spell at charm school. Fully licensed to bewitch, bewilder and bedazzle. When do I start?
King Rufus: Oh hold it, hold it, wait a minute, I don't need any sorceress.
Wilma Wishbone: Sorry?
King Rufus: I'm not employing you?
Wilma Wishbone: You are King Rufus are you not?
King Rufus: Yes.
Wilma Wishbone: And you did place an advertisement in Witch magazine did you not?
King Rufus: Yes.
Wilma Wishbone: Then show me to my room.
King Rufus: Yeh, no, no, no, there's been a misunderstanding here. I put that advert in months ago. You see I was living here all alone at the time. But then everything changed. Somebody new wandered into my life. And I've been as happy as a lark ever since. Oh, isn't he gorgeous, yes.
Wilma Wishbone: A dog! A dog! You dare cast me aside in favour of that flea bitten mangy old mutt.
King Rufus: Steady on.
Wilma Wishbone: I've never been so insulted in my life.
King Rufus: Look here, I didn't ask you to come here you know. I've told you we don't need any sorceress, sorry.
Wilma Wishbone: But think, with my bell, book and candle I can cast spells to your heart's content.
King Rufus: No.
Wilma Wishbone: You worm, you weed, you weasel. Don't you realise how far I've travelled? Don't you realise how I've pinned my hopes on this job? And only to be told to take a back seat to a horrible hound.
King Rufus: Oh, don't listen to her boy, don't listen to her, she doesn't mean it. Now why don't you go away and leave my friend and me in peace?
Wilma Wishbone: Friend, ha! We'll see about that. If you won't have me as your friend then you won't have anybody. By my candle, book and bell, I will cast my wicked spell. The dog you love and hold so dear, will vanish, so begone from here.
(Wilma Wishbone uses her magic and the dog disappears).
King Rufus: What have you done?
Wilma Wishbone: That's for making me look a fool.
King Rufus: Where's my doggy gone?
Wilma Wishbone: Far, far from here. You can kiss goodbye to your precious doggy. Now you'll know, once again, what the pains of loneliness feel like (cackles). You'll be so lonely you'll come crawling on your hands and knees. Begging me to come back, mark my words (cackles).
(Wilma Wishbone leaves and the door slams shut).
King Rufus: Huuurh.

Added: 04/04/2015

Just a simple bit of sorcery

T-Bag: Good day.
Wilma Wishbone: Who in blazers are you? Go away.
T-Bag: No need to raise your voice, I shan't keep you a minute. It's quite simple really, there's something you have that I want. So if you'll just hand it over I'll leave you in peace.
Wilma Wishbone: Is that so?
T-Bag: Yes.
Wilma Wishbone: And what is this something?
T-Bag: That small gold bell.
Wilma Wishbone: (Laughs) You must be round the twist. I'm handing over nothing.
T-Bag: Oh yes you are you know.
Wilma Wishbone: You obviously don't realise who I am.
T-Bag: No, you obviously don't realise who I am. Give me that bell.
(Freezes T-Bag to the spot).
Wilma Wishbone: I'll give it to you alright.
T-Bag: What the pah, pa, ha, ha, is that the best you can do?
Wilma Wishbone: Oh, there's more. (She turns T-Bag into a broom). How's that? A clean sweep wouldn't you say.
T-Bag: You won't get away with this.
Wilma Wishbone: I am getting away with it. Now let's put you to good use.
T-Bag: Hey watch it.
(She starts sweeping the ground with the broom).
Wilma Wishbone: (Laughs) This place could do with a good clean up.
T-Bag: Stop it!
Wilma Wishbone: What?
T-Bag: Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Please, please let me go.
Wilma Wishbone: What did you say?
T-Bag: Please, please let me go.
Wilma Wishbone: Alright.
(T-Bag appears).
T-Bag: Oh thank you, oh dear, what an experience.
Wilma Wishbone: Perhaps that will teach you not to trifle with Wilma Wishbone.
T-Bag: Oh it has. It has, I promise you. I know when I'm beaten.
Wilma Wishbone: Good.
T-Bag: Very clever that was.
Wilma Wishbone: Oh, just a simple bit of sorcery.
T-Bag: Oh no, I'm impressed. Very impressed indeed. You're a very clever witch.
Wilma Wishbone: Huh, oh, it was nothing really.
T-Bag: I'm interested, how do you do all that?
Wilma Wishbone: With my bell, book and candle.
T-Bag: Intriguing, may I have a look?
Wilma Wishbone: By all means.
T-Bag: Thank you very much. Hmm, mm-mm-mm-hmm. A clear case of pride before a fall.
(T-Bag snatches the gold bell).
Wilma Wishbone: Give me that back, I can't do any magic at all without it.
T-Bag: I know but I can. Goodbye.
(Wilma disappears).
Wilma Wishbone (echo): Fiend! Fiend! Fiend!
T-Bag: Mine, all mine.
(King Rufus walks in to the forest where T-Bag is).
King Rufus: Where are you Wilma Wishbone? Where is she? That nasty old woman. Huh, she made my poor friend Debbie fall asleep for a hundred years you know. I don't know what to do.
T-Bag: Debbie did you say? Asleep for a hundred years? Can this be true? This I have to see.
King Rufus: Oh come quickly, perhaps you can help.
T-Bag: Lead the way.

Added: 04/04/2014

"It's Curtains For You This Time - Or Not"
When King Rufus' dog scracthes at the T-Room door and T-Shirt opens it and lets the dog through, he then closes the doors but they fail to shut and you can still see behind the doors for most of the scene.

For more mistakes from other episodes, please see the Nitpicker's Guide

  • Prince the dog was played by a sheepdog called 'Bubbles', he was credited in the episode credits and in the TV Times listing.
  • When Wilma Wishbone visits the King, she tells him she saw the advertisement in Witch Magazine, a play-on-words of 'Which magazine', the consumer guide which first appeared in October 1957.
  • The title of this episode was also the name of the movie 'Bell Book and Candle' released in 1959. The film is about a modern-day witch, Gillian Holroyd, who uses a Bell, Book and candle to cast spells but when she falls in love she loses her magical powers.
  • Maggie Ollerenshaw appeared in Mike & Angelo which was also written by Lee Pressman and Grant Cathro. Maggie Ollerenshaw appeared in the episodes 'The Dummy' (#3.9, 16/01/1991) and 'The Hovel' (#4.3, 31/10/1991) as Mrs Roper.

  • A dog features in this episode; this would happen again in other series.
    (T. Bag and The Pearls of Wisdom, Episode 3: Elementary, My Dear What-Not)