T. Bag And The Rings Of Olympus Episode 9: Torture

Polly arrives in Merry England and Queen Elizabeth has the next gold ring. Sir Walter Pistol wants to kill the Queen, he uses gunpowder in the dungeon where Polly is chained up. Can Polly escape in time?
The High-T Website synopsis

It's time to T-off again!
Lookin listing

Next week, Polly finds herself in Merry England where things are far from Merry. Who are the notorious Horsewhip and Cudgel? Will Polly find the next gold ring before Sir Walter Pistol raises the roof? Find out in next weeks sizzling episode of T. Bag and the Rings of Olympus.
Next week preview (from previous episode)

This week, Polly finds herself in Merry England where things are far from Merry. Will Polly find the next gold ring before Sir Walter Pistol raises the roof? Stay tuned to T. Bag and the Rings of Olympus.
Stay tuned preview (from start of episode)

A potato maam

Sir Walter Pistol: Your Majesty.
The Queen: Sir Walter Pistol, welcome home.
Sir Walter Pistol: Thank you kindly.
The Queen: After all this time.
Sir Walter Pistol: I, my lady, five long years at sea. I must confess I had not expected to find your highness to look five years younger upon my return. I've travelled to the other ends of the earth and back, seen wondrous sights fit to make a man's eyeballs leap from their sockets in rapture and delight, but never seen a vision more lovely than that of your own fair face.
The Queen: Double helpings of yuck with a stonking great topping of blurghh.
Sir Walter Pistol: Pardon?
The Queen: Cut the sucky stuff Pistol, just make with the pressies.
Sir Walter Pistol: Pressies ma'am?
The Queen: Presents you imbecile, what have you brought me back from your travels eh? It had better be something good.
Sir Walter Pistol: Arr, yes indeed, now I have brought you a little something. All the way from America.
The Queen: America.
Sir Walter Pistol: America.
The Queen: Well don't just stand there like an out-of-work village idiot. What is it, I want to see it, let me see it.
(Sir Walter Pistol shows her a potato)
The Queen: Are you taking the Mick, Pistol, or what? What is it?
Sir Walter Pistol: A potato, Ma'am.
The Queen: A potato maam? What's a potato maam?
Sir Walter Pistol: Not a potato maam, Ma'am. A potato, Ma'am.
The Queen: That's what I said.
Sir Walter Pistol: No, Ma'am. You said a potato maam, Ma'am.
The Queen: Oh, shut up! Never mind what it's called, what does it do?
Sir Walter Pistol: It doesn't do anything.
The Queen: Terh, typical of a man, you splash out on a new boat for him and then he goes swanning off around the world for five years, and what does he bring you back? A potato maam that doesn't do anything, not so much as a stick of rock - nothing!
Sir Walter Pistol: But the potato is a wonderful thing your majesty. Look.
The Queen: Hmmm, reminds me of the girl who was just in here a minute ago. See, two little eyes, funny looking nose, mouth (she shakes the potato), what's it for?
Sir Walter Pistol: You eat it Ma'am.
The Queen: Eat it?
Sir Walter Pistol: 'Tis a rare delicacy.
(She takes a bite and spits it out)
The Queen: Blurgghh, what are you trying to do, poison me? That's it, isn't it. You've never liked me, Pistol, you're fired!
Sir Walter Pistol: What?
The Queen: And what is more, I'm going to lock you up in the dungeon and teach you a lesson you'll never forget. Guards!

Added: 04/04/2012

Something Sensible?

After T-Shirt comes back from 1578 with the TV he took for the Queen's present:
T-Bag: Can't you do one single thing right? Taking a television set back to the 16th Century, Oh you idiot, why couldn't you take something sensible like a, well a compact disc player?

This mad young Queen

T-Bag: Who-di, hi-di, hi-de-ooh.
The Queen: What?
T-Bag: They sayeth, they sayeth, they sayeth.
The Queen: What?
T-Bag: Why is the Queen like a mad cow?
The Queen: What?
T-Bag: Because they both have a tendency to kick the bucket. Know what I mean, know what I mean, say no more, say no more. Knock knock...
The Queen: Who's there?
T-Bag: Howard.
The Queen: Howard who?
T-Bag: How would you like to be buried, lying down or standing up.
The Queen: What are you blabbering about?
T-Bag: You'll love this one, this is a cracker. They're were burying this mad young Queen. Right, and all of a sudden the coffin falls off the back of the cart and rolls straight the way down the hill, along the lane, straight into the chemist shop, as it's passing through the lid flies off, the corpse sits up and shout's out 'have you got something to stop this coffin?' Arrgh you've got to laugh, haven't you.
The Queen: I don't like all this gloomy old talk about death and funerals and stuff.
T-Bag: Argghhh, well you won't have to put up with it much longer, not where you're going.
The Queen: You mean somebody's plotting to murder me.
T-Bag: Indubitably.
The Queen: Who is it, I'll have their guts for garters. Tell me, tell me.
T-Bag: To kill the Queen, would be such folly, beware the one whose name is...
The Queen: Polly!
Polly: I'm back.

Added: 04/04/2012

A special offer

T-Shirt: Now what are we doing?
T-Bag: Oh keep up or take notes Shirty. Now that Polly creature's out of the way, we can get the earring off young Queenie fruitcake there.
T-Shirt: Yeah but why are we done up as torturers?
T-Bag: To get the rest of the rings from peewee. So we can combine business and pleasure for once, come on. Good evening all.
The Queen: Who are you?
T-Bag: Horsewhip and Cudgel. Torturers par excellence. Thumbscrews and pillywinks our speciality.
The Queen: Oh yes.
T-Bag: We've come to offer you our services. Any little prisoners you want lashed?
The Queen: Thank you but no. I do all the tortures here myself.
T-Shirt: Ah yes but we got a special offer on at the moment. The prisoner of your choice gets ten quick flicks with a tickling stick, a pint of cold custard down the back of the neck and a slap with a wet haddock and all for the price of an earring.
T-Bag: Very good.
The Queen: Ooh, that does sound good value. Alright, you're hired. There's a wretched little girl chained up downstairs, do your worst and the earring is yours.
T-Bag: Hmm, fabby doo. Now to business Mr Cudgel.

Added: 04/04/2015

Barrels of Gunpowder

Polly: What's with the barrels of gunpowder?
Sir Walter Pistol: Three guesses what's directly above our heads.
Polly: How should I know?
Sir Walter Pistol: I'll give you clue, it's a throne room and it belongs to the queen.
Polly: The Queen's Throne room!
Sir Walter Pistol: Give that girl a potato maam.

Having fun dear?

(Polly is chained up in the dungeon and barrels of gunpowder are about to explode).
Polly: T-Bag.
T-Bag: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. There's a sight for sore eyes. Having fun dear?
T-Shirt: Yes thanks.
T-Bag: Not you idiot. Where's that bag o' rings or you're for the chop?
Polly: I haven't got it.
T-Bag: Rubbish, frisk her, frisk her.
T-Shirt: It's true your Majesty, no bag T-Bag.
T-Bag: Whaaaaaaaat? Where is it?
Polly: It's, it's in the barrel.
T-Bag: What barrel?
Polly: Er, I forget, I hid it in one of the barrels but I forget which one.
T-Bag: Oh T-Shirt, let's get all these barrels back to the T-Room, we're bound to get the bag in one of them. Thank you my dear, we'll be back later to conclude our little bit of business. Ha, ha!
(T-Bag and T-Shirt disappear along with the barrels of gunpowder).
Polly: (Sighs). Phew!
(Back in the T-Room).
T-Bag: Now we're cooking! Ten of those blasted rings we'll have before the day's done. Ooooh.
T-Shirt: Did you leave the toaster on this morning?
T-Bag: What? Don't just stand there, get searching.
T-Shirt: Oh no!
T-Bag: Whaaaaat?! Uuuuurrggghhhhh, aaah-aaarrrrggggghhhhh!
(The gunpowder explodes and the screen goes white).

Added: 04/04/2024

Decent pressies

The Queen: Yours my dear. And yours.
Polly: Thanks.
The Queen: And as for you, Mr Bigshot Pistol, you can dangle there for a couple of months and then...
Sir Walter Pistol: Then?
The Queen: Then, if you're a very good boy you can jump in your boat, get back over to America and bring me back some decent pressies. Right?
Sir Walter Pistol: Right.
The Queen: Come along my dear, let's go wake up Mr Heffalump and see if he wants to play Tiddlywinks.

Added: 04/04/2018