T. Bag And The Rings Of Olympus Episode 4: Rum Barbara

Polly arrives at a port in the Caribbean and gets her rings stolen by a pirate called Rum Barbara. Will Polly get the rings before T-Bag does?
The High-T Website synopsis

Rum Barbara's all prepared to do battle with T-Bag for the Gold Rings!
Lookin listing

Adventure series. T-Shirt has to rescue T-Bag when she decides to become a pirate to fight for the rings.
Radio Times listing

Next week, Polly finds herself in Pirate country. Who is the rum rascal who’s robbing the rings? Who is the mysterious bag lady? Can Polly find the next gold ring? Find out in next weeks swash-buckling episode of T. Bag and the Rings of Olympus.
Next week preview (from previous episode)

Polly finds herself in Pirate country. Who is the mysterious bag lady? Can Polly find the next gold ring? Stay tuned to T. Bag and the Rings of Olympus.
Stay tuned preview (from start of episode)

Tom Shirty, King of the cocktails

T-Bag: Oh, come on, come on, come on.
T-Shirt: Keep your wig on, it's coming.
T-Bag: How long can a simple cuppa tea take?
(T-Shirt is making a cocktail and shakes the cocktail shakers).
T-Shirt: Dee-da-doo, dee-da-doo, dee-da-doo.
T-Bag: You know what happens if I don't get my tea.
T-Shirt: Yeah, you can still see the teeth marks in the table leg from last time.
T-Bag: Hmm, oh well come on then.
T-Shirt: It's coming. Et voilà, Mademoiselle.
T-Bag: What's that?
T-Shirt: Speciality of the house, a KO cocktail. Lashings of chilled tea on a bed of crushed ice, with a dash of this and a splash of that, shaken but not stirred, served by Tom Shirty, King of the cocktails.
T-Bag: You must be joking. I bet you wake up in the morning and think what can I do to drive her screwy today.
T-Shirt: Oh well, if it's too sophisticated for you then...
T-Bag: Are you implying that I lack sophistication? Mmmmmm.
T-Shirt: Well? Like it?
T-Bag: Mmmmmm.
T-Shirt: Yep, she likes it.
T-Bag: Euuuhhh. Mmmmmm, mmmm, urhh. Oh it's terrible, horrible muck. Oh well, I'll just have another one.

Added: 04/04/2016

Turn that frown upside-down

Oscar Bacardi: Hey Nettie, where are you girl? There's work to do through here. Nettie.
(Polly enters).
Oscar Bacardi: Oh good day my friend.
Polly: Hi.
Oscar Bacardi: Eh little lady, turn that frown upside-down. Can I fix you a nice cold drink?
Polly: I haven't any money, I've just been robbed.
Oscar Bacardi: Someone robbed.
Polly: Some crazy woman pirate.
Oscar Bacardi: Barbara, Rum Barbara?
Polly: That's the one.
Oscar Bacardi: Oh, you're telling me you actually met Rum Barbara face to face? You lucky dog. You deserve a drink on the house. Nettie, get yourself in here.
(Nettie enters).
Nettie: Coming Mr Barcadi.
Oscar Bacardi: Fix this lady a triple coconut cooler. Now tell me more, what's she like? Is she as beautiful as they say.
Polly: Who cares what she looks like, I've got to get my stuff back.
Oscar Bacardi: Yes but is she short, is she tall, what's her hair like, does she have beautiful eyes?
Polly: Don't care, she's a thief.
Oscar Bacardi: Well she's certainly stolen my heart.
Nettie: Your drink Miss.

Added: 04/04/2020

Brummie Barbara

T-Bag: Did you hear that?
T-Shirt: It's what I've been trying to tell you. Rum Barbara's nicked Polly's rings.
T-Bag: So all I have to do then is collar this Brummie Barbara or whatever her name is and I know just how to do it. Come, let's away.

Added: 04/04/2024

Stinking rich

T-Shirt: Like the dress, T.B. Subtle.
T-Bag: I'm not trying to be subtle, I've got to convince everybody I'm stinking rich.
T-Shirt: Well, you're fifty percent successful; you'll have to work on the rich part though.
T-Bag: Shut up, now do you remember what you have to do?

Added: 08/11/2010

The curse of being so rich

Oscar Bacardi: Oh Nettie, I think I'm in love. Rum Barbara's gone and proper shivered me timbers.
Nettie: Well I don't understand how you can be in love with someone you've never even met.
Oscar Bacardi: No you wouldn't would you? You lack imagination my girl.
Nettie: What's the point pining over something you could never have? A dream, a fantasy. You could be giving your love to someone who might love you just as much, like me.
Oscar Bacardi: You? (He laughs).
Nettie: Oh.
(T-Bag walks in with a heavy bag of cash).
T-Bag: You there, Inn keeper, can you change this five hundred doubloon note? I have my luxury gold-plated galleon double parked outside on a meter. Oh well, it's the curse of being so rich I suppose. It's no joke (blows her nose) being a billionaire. You don't mind if I rest this incredibly heavy bag of cash on your bar do you?
Oscar Bacardi: No, no, go ahead.
T-Bag: Ohhhh, if I scratch the woodwork, I'll buy you a new bar. No, better still, I'll buy you a new inn.
Oscar Bacardi: You looking for someone?
T-Bag: Oh, no, no, no, no. Us rich people have to be cautious you know, there's always someone with an eye on your dosh.
Oscar Bacardi: Well you've nothing to fear in here, huh-uh.
T-Bag: Hmm, so I see. Ohhhhh, goodbye. (T-Bag walks back outside) Mind your backs, big load of money coming through. Oh I do hope there are no pirates around here, pirates around here that might want to rob me of my lovely, lovely, lovely money. Oh, money, money, money, money, money, money, money.
T-Shirt: Any luck?
T-Bag: Oh what does it look like? Get back down there and shut up.
(Rum Barbara taps T-Bag on the shoulder).
T-Bag: Oh, what?
Rum Barbara: I do believe I hears the merry jangle o' doubloons shipmate.
T-Bag: Rum Barbara.
Rum Barbara: The same.
T-Bag: Oh mercy me, oh woe, oh me, oh my. Psst, psst.
Rum Barbara: Up with your hands you scurvy upper crust toff. You stuck-up la-di-da ostentatious poltroon, give me the heebie-jeebies.
T-Bag: Oh that's easy for you to say.
Rum Barbara: Button your cakehole you bumptious peacock.
T-Bag: Oh, psst, psst!
Rum Barbara: The poor island folk will be cock-a-hoop over your generosity matey. They'll be grog aplenty when they craps their eyes on this little lot. Byesie-bye.
(Rum Barbara walks off as T-Shirt hits T-Bag with the mallet).
T-Bag: Auuurrrrghhhhhhh.
T-Shirt: Sorry.
T-Bag: Oh you knuckle head.
T-Shirt: I think I'd better just urrrhhh.

Added: 04/04/2015

A Master of Disguise

Nettie: Hello there Sailor, what can I get you?
T-Shirt: You can get me out of trouble by telling me where I can find Rum Barbara.
Nettie: Eh?
T-Shirt: I've got to find her fast and knock a bit of sense into her. Otherwise I'm a dead man.
Nettie: You're in luck.
T-Shirt: Yeah?
Nettie: She was just in here a minute ago.
T-Shirt: Yeah?
Nettie: A master of disguise is old Babs, that's why she never gets nabbed. Dressed as an old beggar woman she was and walking with a limp.
T-Shirt: I think I saw her outside just now, thanks.

Added: 04/04/2019

Stuff me in the cannon and blast me over the horizon

Oscar Bacardi: Barbara, oh Barbara.
T-Bag: Ohhhh Jim-me-lad. Stuff me in the cannon and blast me over the horizon if it ain't a grand day for robbing and ransacking, ohhh and I have a tot of rum for me parrot shipmates.
Oscar Bacardi: Barbara?
T-Bag: Oh, what? Cut me into little pieces and feed me to the sharks and who be you, you scurvy swab?
Oscar Bacardi: Well you don't know me but I know you. You are Rum Barbara aren't you?
T-Bag: Maybe I is and maybe I isn't and who be wanting to know?
Oscar Bacardi: Oh, Barbara, Barbara, how long I've waited for this moment, I've got something for you.
T-Bag: Oh and pray what be that?
Oscar Bacardi: This.
(T-Bag takes the letter and the gold ring).
T-Bag: Ohhhh, be just what I always wanted.
Oscar Bacardi: Mean that?
T-Bag: Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, indubitably. Oh the next gold ring is mine, oh me hearty. What am I talking like a pirate for? You sucker.
Oscar Bacardi: You mean you're not Rum Barbara?
T-Bag: Absolutely not.
(Rum Barbara enters).
Rum Barbara: And why be that?
T-Bag: Why?
Oscar Bacardi: Hurh.
Rum Barbara: I'll tell you why, 'cause I be Rum Barbara, that be why. You, up with your sword, let's see what you're made of.
T-Bag: Oh well, if you insist, be on you're own funeral. T-Shirt, T-Shirt, grab hold of this (T-Bag passes the gold ring to Polly who is hiding in the barrel), huh, this upstart doth think she tangles with Tabatha Bag. Hurrgh, hurrgh. En garde.
Rum Barbara: Ha, ha, ha, ha.
(They both have a sword fight but Rum Barbara corners T-Bag by the bar).
T-Bag: Hah, you must be joking.
(T-Bag uses her magic to make Rum Barbara's sword disappear).
Rum Barbara: Aighhh!
Oscar Bacardi: Ooooooooh.
T-Bag: I'll make Rum kebabs out of you dearie.
Oscar Bacardi: No.
Rum Barbara: We'll see about that shipmate.
T-Bag: Ha, ha, ha. Is that the best you can do? Ho, ho.
(T-Bag uses her magic so Rum Barbara's gun is frantically moving out of her control).
Rum Barbara: Oh, ah...
T-Bag: You couldn't hit the side of a barn with that thing.
Rum Barbara: ... oh, oh, oh, oh.
(The gun fires, hits the sign of the bar which drops and lands on T-Bag).
T-Bag: Aiighhh. Aaarrgggghhhh.
Oscar Bacardi: Nice shooting.
(Polly comes out of the barrel holding the gold ring).
Polly: Thanks T-Bag.
T-Bag: Ohhhhhhhhh.

Added: 04/04/2025