T. Bag And The Revenge Of The T. Set Episode 9: The Bard

Queen Elizabeth is expecting a play from William Wagerdagger who is without actors until Sally, T-Shirt and T-Bag arrive. The payment for the play is some treasure including the last spoon.
The High-T Website synopsis

Sally arrives in Elizabethan England and before she can say 'silver spoons' she meets up with Will Waggerdagger who runs a theatrical company. Although she doesn't join the company, T-Shirt does.
TV Times listing

Your fine troop of actors

Will Wagadagger: Your gracious Majesty.
The Queen: Ah Mr Wagadagger, thank you for coming.
Will Wagadagger: 'tis my greatest pleasure Ma'am. To a humble playwright like myself to be in your highness pleasure is like a to basking in the golden rays of the summer sun.
The Queen: We know Mr Wagadagger, but to more pressing matters, how go'eth the play? Will it be ready for tonight's midsummer night's celebrations?
Will Wagadagger: 'tis all but finished Ma'am, my quill's red hot.
The Queen: Splendid, we shall enjoy seeing once again your fine troop of actors performing in one of your famous plays.
Will Wagadagger: Like me Ma'am they can scarce contain themselves.
The Queen: And they shall be richly rewarded for their pains, cast your eyes here.
Will Wagadagger: Streuth.
The Queen: This is your fee.
Will Wagadagger: Oh you are too generous Ma'am.
The Queen: Now go, be hasty footed about your business and fail us not. Oh.

Added: 04/04/2022

The seriousness of the situation

(T-Shirt is in the T-Room listening to music).
T-Shirt: Sha, bam, bam, bam, sha, boom, boom, boom. Sha, bam, bam, bam...
T-Bag: T-Shirt.
T-Shirt:...sha, boom, boom, boom...
T-Bag: Not again, I can't stand it. Switch that thing off. Off!
(T-Bag uses magic to switch off the music).
T-Shirt: Oi, what's the big idea?
T-Bag: My head is splitting, I can't take anymore of that infernal racket.
T-Shirt: Oh.
T-Bag: Every time I look at you you're mucking about, wasting time.
T-Shirt: Well don't look then.
T-Bag: T-Shirt can't you grasp the seriousness of the situation? Madam mischief has all but one of those silver spoons, this is our last chance to stop her. So shift yourself.
T-Shirt: Oh, spoons, spoons, spoons.
T-Bag: What?
T-Shirt: I'm fed up hearing about those boring spoons, chasing all over the place, it's stupid.
T-Bag: Stupid! Stupid! I'll stupid you. You're supposed to be helping me.
T-Shirt: What's the point, we never win, we never get them.
T-Bag: And whose fault is that?
T-Shirt: It's no fun anymore, I'm bored with it, so if you don't mind.
(T-Shirt uses his magic to switch on the music).
T-Shirt: Sha, bam, bam, bam, sha, boom, boom, boom...
T-Bag: I don't believe it.
T-Shirt: ...Sha, bam, bam, bam.
(T-Shirt uses his magic to switch on the music and T-Bag then uses her magic to switch it off).
T-Bag: Enough is enough.
(T-Shirt uses his magic to switch on the music and T-Bag then uses her magic to switch it off).
T-Bag: Right, that's it, you've gone too far this time. I knew all along it was a mistake giving you your magic back; happily mistakes can be rectified.
T-Shirt: Eh?
T-Bag: I'm sorry but I'm doing this for my own good.
(T-Bag takes away T-Shirt's magic powers).
T-Shirt: Oh noooooooooooooo!
T-Bag: There all gone. Now you're going to listen to me and do as I say, is that clear?
T-Shirt: Hmm.
(T-Bag looks in her saucer and sees the miserable looking Queen).
T-Bag: Right, who have we here? No sign of the girl, no sign of the spoon. Hmm. Right T-Shirt, here's the plan, I'm sending you down there to scout around, see if that woman knows anything. Keep your ear close to the ground and your eyes peeled, don't let anything pass you by, got that?
(T-Shirt is listening to music with his headphones).
T-Bag: T-Shirt.
T-Shirt: What?
T-Bag: Oh get out of here.
T-Shirt: With pleasure.
T-Bag: Go and pester her instead of me, she looks far too happy.
T-Shirt: I can't go anywhere without my magic, can I?
T-Bag: Let me give you a lift.
(T-Bag uses her magic to make T-Shirt disappear).
T-Bag: Phwurr, I should have done that weeks ago.

Added: 04/04/2015

I come from a temple on top of a tea pot

The Queen: Who are you child and where did you spring from?
T-Shirt: You'd never believe me if I told you.
The Queen: Try me.
T-Shirt: Well, my name's T-Shirt.
The Queen: I don't believe you.
T-Shirt: And I come from a temple on top of a tea pot.
The Queen: I definitely don't believe you!
T-Shirt: And the woman in charge is called T-Bag.
The Queen: T-Bag!
T-Shirt: And she sent me here out of her way, told you, you wouldn't believe it.
The Queen: You were quite right.
T-Shirt: Look I'll go away and leave you in peace, I promise, bye.
The Queen: Stop, boy, boy stop. What pray is this peculiar contraption you have here?
T-Shirt: It plays music.
The Queen: Plays music? Tosh!
T-Shirt: Honest, listen.
The Queen: I must confess I'm partial to the odd magical. (He plays his hi-fi). Fie! Fie!
T-Shirt: No hi-fi.
The Queen: What is that devilish music?
T-Shirt: It's Davey Gravy and the disco kids, my favourite band. Sha, bam, bam, bam, sha, boom, boom, boom.
T-Shirt & The Queen: Sha, bam, bam, bam, sha, boom, boom, boom. Sha, bam, bam, bam, sha, boom, boom, boom.
The Queen: I quite like it now. Sha, bam, bam, bam, sha, boom, sha, bam. (The music stops) where, where did it go? Whe... where did it go? I want more.
T-Shirt: Hey that's mine.
The Queen: Not any more, think yourself lucky young sir that you have been privileged to entertain your sovereign Queen. Now we bid you good day.
T-Shirt: You can't just nick my...
The Queen: Good morrow. (T-Shirt leaves) Sha, bam, bam, bam, sha, boom, boom, boom. Sha, bam, bam, bam. (The hi-fi starts playing music).

Added: 04/04/2017

The Royal Wagadagger company

T-Shirt: Wanted, actors for major production, apply Will Wagadagger, that sounds like a laugh. Oh hello.
Will Wagadagger: Are you an actor?
T-Shirt: Me?
Will Wagadagger: Have you ever been on a stage?
T-Shirt: Have I, you're looking at Rip Shirt.
Will Wagadagger: Well if you say so. And you've come here to, to appear in my new play.
T-Shirt: Yeah, why not?
Will Wagadagger: Oh, such enthusiasm and you'll be earning yourself tuppence a week to boot.
T-Shirt: Oh, I'm, not in it for the money.
Will Wagadagger: I like this boy. Now here is your role, erm, there, try it.
T-Shirt: Enter a wounded messenger, (coughs) argghh, me thinks I am dead, he collapses to the ground, arggghhhhh. Is that it?
Will Wagadagger: I admit it is a small role but it's most effective, congratulations, welcome to the Royal Wagadagger company.

Added: 23/03/2013

Jeans

The Queen: You there, lad, what are you doing?
Sally: Why does everyone keep calling me lad? I'm a girl.
The Queen: Then how come you weareth such a manly garb?
Sally: No, no you don't understand, these are jeans.
The Queen: Does Jean know you are wearing them?

The leading ladies

T-Shirt: How do I look?
Will Wagadagger: Yes, yes, very good.
T-Shirt: I better learn my lines eh. Argghh, me thinks I am dead. Argghh, me thinks I am dead. Argghh, me thinks I am dead. Well what do you reckon?
Will Wagadagger: You're keen, I'll say that for you.
T-Shirt: Who else is in this play of yours then?
Will Wagadagger: Alas it is just we two.
T-Shirt: But who's going to play all these other parts?
Will Wagadagger: Guess.
T-Shirt: What, all of them? (Will laughs) But there are women in it.
Will Wagadagger: Yes.
T-Shirt: Enter Lady Ophelia, I'm not playing Lady Ophelia.
Will Wagadagger: Young lads like you always play the leading ladies.
T-Shirt: You must be joking. There's no way you're going to get me into a dress and that's final.

Added: 04/04/2020

The Lady Ophelia to my Prince Jack

Will Wagadagger: Boy, Laddie.
T-Bag: Will Wagadagger?
Will Wagadagger: Of course.
T-Bag: A little dickie bird doth tell me you are in need of a fine actor.
Will Wagadagger: 'Tis true.
T-Bag: Then look no further, I'm sure you recognise me.
Will Wagadagger: Hurh...
T-Bag: Ar, I thought so. Hamlet, Richard the third, King Lear, the Sooty Show, I've done them all. I demand to be in your play.
Will Wagadagger: And I'd be honoured Sir, ha, ha, ha, what was your name again?
T-Bag: You jest of course, I am the great Tyrone Bag.
Will Wagadagger: Indeed. And I have a part in my play that would suit you to a tee.
T-Bag: Sounds good.
Will Wagadagger: The Lady Ophelia to my Prince Jack. Mind you, you'll have to shave off that beard and moustache.
T-Bag: I'm sure that could be arranged.
Will Wagadagger: Splendid, here is the play.
T-Bag: Thank you, I shall now take myself off on a lingering stroll and peruse your opus, adieu.
(T-Bag leaves the forest opening).
Will Wagadagger: Adieu, oh wonderful, the day is saved.
(T-Shirt and Sally appear in the forest).
T-Shirt: Will.
Will Wagadagger: Gadzooks, what's this?
T-Shirt: I want you to meet my friend.
Will Wagadagger: Yes, we've met, you didn't want to be in my play.
Sally: Uh yes, well I've changed my mind.
T-Shirt: And I didn't fancy playing Lady Ophelia.
Sally: So I'll play it instead.
T-Shirt: So everything's fixed.
Will Wagadagger: Oh well, I'm sorry to disappoint you but the part of Lady Ophelia is to be played by another, hmm. Still there are plenty of other parts so share them about amongst you.
Sally: Then I'm in?
Will Wagadagger: Yes, yes, of course, yes, welcome aboard. Now then all the costumes and erm wigs and erm props and everything are in these baskets, now help me take them to the palace.
Sally: Uh-Oh, the Queen!

Added: 23/03/2013