T. Bag And The Rings Of Olympus Episode 6: Exit With A Puff

A Hollywood film director, Max Clapper, is looking for someone to play Scarlet O’ Sugar but both T-Bag and Polly want the part and claim his monocle, with the next ring, as their fee.
The High-T Website synopsis

Polly arrives in Hollywood in her quest for the Gold Rings.
Lookin listing

Next week, Polly heads for Hollywood. Who is the scarlet lady? Will she nab the next gold ring before Polly gets wind of her plan? Find out in next weeks explosive episode of T. Bag and the Rings of Olympus.
Next week preview (from previous episode)

This week, Polly heads for Hollywood where film director, Max Clapper, is searching for a star. Who is the scarlet lady? Will she nab the next gold ring? Will Elmer Z. Shirtburger pull off the deal of the decade? Who’s double-crossing who? Stay tuned to T. Bag and the Rings of Olympus.
Stay tuned preview (from start of episode)

The greatest movie classic of all time

Max Clapper: Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.
Delores Clapper: Coffee?
Max Clapper: Nah. Nah.
Delores Clapper: Don't tell me you're still searching for an actress for your movie.
Max Clapper: I'm still searching. Nah.
Delores Clapper: What's wrong with her?
Max Clapper: I worked with that dame on Ben Hur. All she ever did was complain. Never could get the hang of pulling that chariot. Nah. Oh holy cow! This is a nightmare. I gotta find someone for this part. Like now!
Delores Clapper: I've been thinking. I know a little lady who'd be just hunky dory.
Max Clapper: Yeah. Who?
Delores Clapper: Me!
Max Clapper: Say again.
Delores Clapper: Me!
Max Clapper: One more time.
Delores Clapper: Me! I could play the lead part of Scarlet O' Sugar to perfection.
Max Clapper: Honey, in the movie Scarlet is supposed to be fourteen years old.
Delores Clapper: Well I can play fourteen. Gee. Shucks, daddy. Can I please have a pony for Christmas? Oh please, Daddy, pleeeease. W...what do you say Max?
Max Clapper: Any more dried prunes?
Delores Clapper: Oh give me a break, Max. I haven't had a decent part in the movies for, I don't know how long.
Max Clapper: Oh hang in there babe. The right part'll turn up for you soon, one of these days, but I'm afraid this ain't it.
Delores Clapper: Ohhh.
Max Clapper: You gotta understand, over at MGM they're making this big blockbuster, Gone With The Wind. Well I'm gonna take the wind right out of their sails with a blockbuster of my own, Exit With A Puff.
Delores Clapper: Great title, honey.
Max Clapper: In fifty years time, no one's gonna remember Gone With The Wind, but Exit With A Puff will surely become the greatest movie classic of all time.
Delores Clapper: I don't doubt it darling.
Max Clapper: Well that's why everything has to be perfect. Especially the part of Scarlet. It's got to be right. I need me a fourteen year old girl. But where, oh where am I going to find me one. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Added: 04/04/2015

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread

T-Bag: Yes! That monocle, ohh. The winds of fortune are blowing right up my hooter this morning T-Shirt.
T-Shirt: Here we go again. We off then?
T-Bag: No, no, no, no, not yet. You know what they say. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. So we're gonna do our homework this time.

Added: 04/04/2023

Starring in the movie

T-Bag: I do believe I see a way of bagging the next gold ring.
T-Shirt: Don't tell me. You're going to go to the studio, dress yourself up, do a stunning audition, land yourself the part of Scarlet O' Sugar and demand the gold ring as your fee for starring in the movie.
T-Bag: No. I was going to hit him over the head with a baseball bat... Buuuuuuut, ha, come to think of it, that's a nifty idea you got there T-Shirt, it might work.
T-Shirt: Course it'll work, unless you muck it up.
T-Bag: Meaning?
T-Shirt: Meaning, fools rush in. Like you said. Why don't you let me go first, soften him up a bit. Before you go barging in like a rhinoceros with horn-ache.
T-Bag: What do you mean soften him up a bit?
T-Shirt: Here's what I mean (he whispers in her ear).
T-Bag: Oh why are you whispering in my ear, you numbskull? There's nobody else here. Ouuurgggghhhhhhh. Give me strength.

Added: 04/04/2017

A gift from the gods

(Delores is on the phone).
Delores Clapper: So I said, Max I said, you're going to make yourself ill if you don't go easy. But he will insist on throwing himself into his work. I'm just glad he doesn't work at the sewage farm.
Polly: Er, excuse me.
Delores Clapper: Got to go Hedy, someone at the door. Love and kisses darling, mwah, mwah, mwah (she hangs up). Can I help you?
Polly: Well I hope so, you see I'm looking for...
Delores Clapper: Oh! You are Scarlet!
Polly: No, I'm Polly actually.
Delores Clapper: Young, pretty, can you act?
Polly: Well…
Delores Clapper: You're ideal, you're perfect. Wait 'til my husband hears about this, he'll be tickled pink. You're a gift from the gods, my dear, sent from Heaven to save us. (She uses the phone) Hello Max, Delores, ah. Delores Clapper, your wife, hmm. Listen I think I've found your perfect Scarlet 'O Sugar. I'm telling you, she's exactly right for the part. Oh, she has the sweetest little... Max, t'uh. He hung up, how do you like that? Well you little lady are going to play the lead part in Max's new movie, would you like that?
Polly: Well I...
Delores Clapper: He'd pay you anything you ask for you know.
Polly: Yeah?
Delores Clapper: Mmm-hmm.
Polly: In that case lead me to the studio.
Delores Clapper: Ah, hold your horses. He's got to see a photograph first. And if he likes the photo you're in. Now you stay right there my pretty angel while I go and get my camera.

Added: 04/04/2021

Say cheese

T-Shirt: Smile, will you smile?
T-Bag: I'm smiling.
T-Shirt: You look as if a number sixteen bus has just reversed into your face. Come on, let's see those gnashers.
T-Bag: (Grinning) How's that?
T-Shirt: Horrible, but it'll have to do. Say cheese.
T-Bag: Get on with it.
T-Shirt: There, got it. Well it's the best we're gonna get. Hmm.

Added: 04/04/2024

Fourteen year old slip of a girl

T-Shirt: You play the part of Scarlet O’Sugar, a beautiful, fresh faced, fourteen year old slip of a girl... ha ha ha.
T-Bag: What are you laughing at?
T-Shirt: Nothing. Nothing.
T-Bag: I can remember what it was like to be fourteen, you know. It was only seven years ago.

That picture must have been taken fifty years ago

T-Bag: Oh me, oh my, oh me. That boy has darn broken my heart in two I swear he has. Why some nights I lie awake, lying awake in my bed, I swear I can almost hear the tap, tap, tapping of his little drum drifting across the old cotton fields, hark (lifts arm and tears he dress). Ah. Am I dreaming now or is that my brave little drummer boy arriving home way over yonder horizon? (She hits the tree behind her which falls to the ground). Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Oh me, oh my, oh me. Oh, what is it?
T-Shirt: My.
T-Bag: I know that. Oh my, oh me.
Max Clapper: Cut, cut, cut. Okay fellas it's a wrap. Go home, we'll start again tomorrow. Shirtburger, come here. What kind of stunt are you trying to pull on me here?
T-Shirt: Huh?
Max Clapper: That picture must have been taken fifty years ago. Why I oughtta, ougghhh, ougghhh. I'm going home to curl up and die, I'll see you tomorrow.
T-Bag: Oh, well, what do you think of my performance so far?
Max Clapper: Madam. A word hasn't yet been invented to adequately describe your performance.
T-Bag: Ohhh, did you hear that? He loves me.

Added: 04/04/2023