Turn On To T-Bag Episode 3: Yeti!

Holly meets up with Daisy Digwell who is in search of a rare plant in a monastery up in the mountains. At the monastery a monk called Fred Bloggs tells T-Bag there is a yeti so no-one goes near the monastery. Holly and Daisy go into the monastery to find the crystal and the rare plant. They uncover Fred Blogg’s perfume made from the rare plant with the next crystal in the bottle.
The High-T Website synopsis

What has a monastery up a mountainside got to do with crystals?
TV Times listing

Don't take your eyes off that screen

T-Shirt: Right, this is what you need.
T-Bag: You're right, my nerves are in absolute shreds, absolute shreds, gimme, gimme, gimme.
T-Shirt: Steady on.
T-Bag: Steady on, steady on. It wasn't you that got blown to smithereens by that infernal girl. Look at that hand. (T-Bag holds out her shaking hand and then drinks the rest of her tea). Oh I needed that. Right horrible Holly-Anna. Look to your laurels young lady. I've let you get this far but no further. Pay attention!
T-Shirt: What?
T-Bag: You're not here to do nothing, pay attention.
T-Shirt: I am.
T-Bag: Right, let's see what's going on now. (T-Bag switches on the TV, by magic, and sees the monastery) Ah, the next programme's begun, and that no doubt is where the vile child is headed, so what do I have to do now?
T-Shirt: Er, erm, get there before she does.
T-Bag: Yes, and...
T-Shirt: And, er, and try to find the crystal before she does.
T-Bag: Yes, and...
T-Shirt: Yes, and, er... (T-Shirt thinks).
T-Bag: Oh for pity's sake.
T-Shirt: Got it, and I'm going to come and help you.
T-Bag: You must be joking. You're going to stop messing about, sit here, keep your eyes on that screen and let me know the minute you see that infernal child. Get it?
T-Shirt: Got it.
T-Bag: Good. Right, I'm off, oh and T-Shirt...
T-Shirt: What?
T-Bag: Don't take your eyes off that screen.
(T-Bag disappears).
T-Shirt (sarcastically): Don't take your eyes off that screen.

Added: 04/04/2013

The rarest most exquisite flower in the whole wide world

Holly: Hello.
Daisy Digwell: Hello yourself. Oh, oh my giddy Aunt, uh, where did you pop up from?
Holly: I was just coming from back...
Daisy Digwell: You gave me quite a start there, alright now, oh look, hold this (passes a frying pan). You'll stay for tea of course. Out of a tin I'm afraid but er we'll do what we can with it. Oh how are you with one of these contraptions (shows Holly a tin opener)?
Holly: Well I've never really...
Daisy Digwell: Tell you what, you have a bash with that and I'll get cracking on the fire. you haven't told me your name yet, mine's Daisy Digwell, stroke of genius on my mother's part. She must have felt it in her bones that I'd grow up with green fingers. I'm a botanist you understand. Know everything there is to know about plants. You haven't told me what you're doing here yet.
Holly: Well I was just coming...
Daisy Digwell: And the reason why I'm here, you won't believe this but it's true, I'm told that way up here in these mountains there grows the rarest most exquisite flower in the whole wide world, flora bundis orcha destra glorioda, have you ever heard of it?
Holly: Well no I...
Daisy Digwell: I must admit I haven't myself, until an old gardening chum of mine, Rosie Crabapple. Do you know her? Oh you must know Rosie Crabapple, everybody knows Rosie Crabapple and her prize winning spring onions. Anyway she said to me...
Holly: Look I'm sorry I don't...
Daisy Digwell:... Daisy she said you've never smelled a smell until you've smelled an orchid like this, it is amazing.
Holly: Yes I'm sure, but I wanted...
Daisy Digwell: The trouble is you see my dear there's so few of them left somebody has to see to it that they don't die out altogether, so...
(Holly coughs).
Daisy Digwell: Oh, sorry, have I been talking too much?
Holly: Well.
Daisy Digwell: Oh I just can't seem to help myself, I get so wrapped up in my own little world that before you know what's what I'm rabbiting on twenty to the dozen, huh huh, Rosie Crabapple's cousin Jimmy once said to me, Daisy he said you're very...
(Holly coughs).
Daisy Digwell: Oops I'm off again, mum's the word. Your turn.
Holly: I'm Holly.

Added: 04/04/2020

F. B.L.O.G.G.S

T-Bag: Stop!
F. Bloggs: Cor blimey, who are you? Hm, hm, hm. I mean, welcome, welcome o weary traveller, you have come far, please feel free to take solace in the peace and tranquillity of this sacred place.
T-Bag: Never mind that, I'm glad I found you, I've a few questions I want answered.
F. Bloggs: Blimey it's the law.
T-Bag: You must be F. B.L.O.G.G.S.
F. Bloggs: It is the law. Hm-mm, how do you know?
T-Bag: Well it says so here in this cap.
F. Bloggs: Oh, oh, the cap. The name on the cap. No, no, no, no, no. That's the um... that's the um, the initials. Erm, I can tell you what that stands for... er... F.B.L.O.G.G.S, well um... that's me. Er, er, Father Bountiful, er... Loyal Overlord of the...um (whispered) G? G? Er... Glorious Garden of Secrets.
T-Bag: Father Bountiful? Pah! I'm not interested in that rubbish. Have you seen a young girl about this high and dressed in vile pink?
F. Bloggs: What here? Leave off. Hur-huh-huh. No, no-one ever comes here, no-one dares.
T-Bag: What do you mean? Why not?
F. Bloggs: The beast, the creature.
T-Bag: What creature?
F. Bloggs: The terrible, hideous, horrible creature.
T-Bag: What dribble is this? What creature?
F. Bloggs: The abdominal, the amobibable, the ab....
T-Bag: Oh spit it out man.
F. Bloggs: The yeti.
T-Bag: Yeti?
F. Bloggs: Yeti, oh.
T-Bag: Don't make me laugh.
F. Bloggs: It's true I tell you, I've seen it myself. Huge and hairy, teeth like razorblades, great long pointed claws as sharp as needles and eyes the size of saucers. Wild and crazy eyes.
T-Bag: I have never heard such a load of old codswallop in my entire life. What's your game eh? What are you hiding there?
F. Bloggs: Nothing.
T-Bag: It wouldn't be a crystal by any chance?
F. Bloggs: No, no, no, no.
T-Bag: Show me (T-Bag puts him under her spell and he shows her the flower, she then brings him out of her spell). Where's the crystal?
F. Bloggs: What crystal? I don't know.
T-Bag: If I think for one minute that you're lying to me they'll be trouble, clear?
F. Bloggs: Crystal clear, uh I mean perfectly clear.
T-Bag: I don't want this, I'll be back.
(She throws the flower upwards and uses her magic and disappears).
F. Bloggs: Oourh, oourh, hey you can't. Phooowh, was a bit too close for comfort that. Still at least I've still got you, my pretty precious.

Added: 04/04/2015

The end of T-Bag

Holly: So you see it's really important to find all these crystals, put them on the jammer and that will be the end of T-Bag.
Daisy Digwell: Yes I see. Well I'm sorry to say I've been scouting about these hills for weeks and I've not seen hide nor hair of anything like that.
Holly: I was thinking, perhaps it could be up there.
Daisy Digwell: What, up at the old monastery? Oh no, I shouldn't think so.
Holly: Just might be. I think I'll set off and have a look.
Daisy Digwell: Hold your horses, you can't go traipsing off up there at this hour. It'll be dark soon.
Holly: But I must find...
Daisy Digwell: Now, no arguments please. If you set your heart on going up there then I'm coming with you but in the morning. Now how's that?
Holly: Alright.
Daisy Digwell: Come on then, off we go, early to bed, early to rise, busy day tomorrow, your turn, after you.

Added: 04/04/2020

There's no such things as monsters

T-Bag: Boo!
T-Shirt: Arrrggghhh!
T-Bag: Stupid boy.
T-Shirt: What are you playing at, you scared the living daylights out of me.
T-Bag: I told you not to take your eyes off that screen.
T-Shirt: I was bored, nothing was happening.
T-Bag: Out of my way, let me see.
(T-Bag looks at the TV).
T-Shirt: See, told you.
T-Bag: What's this?
T-Shirt: It's my monster book, give it back.
T-Bag: Monsters. There's no such things as monsters. The only monster I know is you.
T-Shirt: But it says in there...
T-Bag: I don't care what it says, I'm not having your head filled with this garbage. I'm going to bed.
T-Shirt: Me too.
T-Bag: Oh no you're not. You're going to stay here and watch that screen until something happens.
T-Shirt: What all night?
T-Bag: If necessary yes and no comics and no books and no messing about.

Added: 04/04/2016

It's a beautiful night

Daisy Digwell: What's the matter, can't you sleep?
Holly: Sorry, did I wake you?
Daisy Digwell: No, I couldn't drop off either. It's a beautiful night.
Holly: So quiet.
Daisy Digwell: I know, it's always like this at night in the mountains.
Holly: Don't you ever get lonely up here on your own? I would.
Daisy Digwell: Oh, you're never on your own up here.
Holly: What do you mean?
Daisy Digwell: Listen. Yodelayheehee... (echoes) Yodelayheehee. Yodelayheehee.

Added: 04/04/2020

Yeti, Yeti, Yeti

T-Shirt: I want to go home, please let me go home your Majesty. Please. I don't want to get eaten up by the yeti.
T-Bag: Yeti, yeti, yeti, will you shut up about the yeti, there is no yeti, I don't want to hear another word about the yeti.
T-Shirt: But the yeti...
T-Bag: Arrggghhh!
T-Shirt: The yeti will come and tear me apart and chew me up into little pieces.
T-Bag: T-Shirt listen very carefully, if I hear the word yeti mentioned one more time it will be me tearing you apart and chewing you up into little pieces. There is no yeti.
T-Shirt: But I saw it.
T-Bag: You didn't see it, you couldn't have seen it.
T-Shirt: Why not?
T-Bag: Because there is no such thing. Oh this is ludicrous. T-Shirt say after me. There is no yeti.
T-Shirt: There is no yeti.
T-Bag: Again.
T-Shirt: There is no yeti.
T-Bag: Again.
T-Shirt: There is no yeti.
T-Bag: There is no yeti. What is there no?
T-Shirt: No yeti!
T-Bag: Good, right, you wait here, I'm off for a quick scout around.
T-Shirt: Don't leave me. There is no yeti. There is no yeti. There is no yeti. (Bloggs rests his hand on T-Shirt's shoulder, making him jump) Ohhhhh!
F. Bloggs: A thousand pardons, I didn't mean to startle you.
T-Shirt: Phew, I thought you were the yeti. But then as everybody knows there is no yeti.
F. Bloggs: Who told you this lie?
T-Shirt: Lie?
F. Bloggs: Well of course there's a yeti, I've seen it myself. It's huge and hairy, wild and crazy, ferocious, deadly, I wouldn't hang about here if I was you, flee, flee while you still have the chance, don't let the yeti get you.
T-Shirt: Right that's it, I'm off (he hides).
T-Bag: T-Shirt! Where are you?
T-Shirt: The yeti, the yeti, the yeti.
T-Bag: I give up, I do, I give up.
Daisy Digwell (off screen): Hello.
T-Bag: Quick, they're here. Now I don't want to hear a peep out of you, just do as I do.
(T-Bag and T-Shirt change, by magic, into monk's outfits).
Daisy Digwell (off screen): Helloooooo.
T-Bag: Don't stand there gawping. Hood up and shut up!
Daisy Digwell: I say, rather impressive.
Holly: If the crystal isn't here, I'm in real trouble.
Daisy Digwell: Let's crack on then.
T-Bag: Greetings.
Daisy Digwell: Oh! Jeepers creepers.
T-Bag: A thousand welcomes, intrepid travellers.
Daisy Digwell: You just about scared the living daylights out of me.
T-Bag: A thousand pardons, you are welcome here, but first I beseech you pray observe the rules of the monastery.
Holly: What are they?
T-Bag: You must relieve yourself of all worldly possessions.
Daisy Digwell: Oh, that's fair enough. What have I got, handbag, oh binoculars and er my wristwatch. You better have that.
T-Bag: Thank you, you may stay. And now you.
Holly: I don't have any possessions.
T-Bag: What's in the bag?
Holly: It isn't money or anything like that.
T-Bag: Well what is it then?
Holly: Crystals, but I can't let you have them.
T-Bag: They'll be perfectly safe with me, I assure you. Now hand them over.
Holly: If you promise to look after them.
T-Bag: Don't worry I will.
Holly: Alright.
Daisy Digwell: Oh! Florapondusorchadestragloriodus. Smashed to a pulp! Oh who did this wicked thing. I smell something suspicious going on around here, what's all this here (she finds the perfume behind the curtain). So that's it, no wonder these flowers are almost extinct.
Holly: The crystal!
Daisy Digwell: You've been going around picking them left, right and centre and grinding them up to make perfume, well that's the very limit, I must say of all the callous, thoughtless, selfish, reckless things.
T-Bag: Shut up.
Holly: T-Bag.
T-Bag: Yes it's me and you know what I'm after don't you horrible Holly-Anna Jones?
T-Shirt: Your Majesty, the yeti, the yeti.
T-Bag: T-Shirt don't be ridiculous. Now hand over that infernal crystal or else.
T-Shirt: It's coming to get us your majesty, the yeti, the yeti.
T-Bag: T-Shirt I've had as much as I can take, how many times do I have to tell you, there is no such thing as...
(Yeti roar).
T-Bag:...the yeti. Uh, T-Shirt help!
(T-Bag and T-Shirt uses his magic and him and T-Bag disappear and the yeti roars again).
Daisy Digwell: Oh we're done for, it's coming to get us now, oh.
(The yeti is shaking a cassette player as Holly walks to him).
F. Bloggs (in Yeti costume): Useless junk.

Added: 04/04/2013

The clutches of that monstrous beast

T-Shirt: I saved your bacon there your majesty, didn't I? Eh? If it hadn't have been for me you'd have been all gobbled up by now. I don't want to say I told you so but I told you so. No such thing as a yeti you said.
T-Bag: Oh button your lip. At least we've heard the last of that hateful girl there's no way in the world she could have escaped the clutches of that monstrous beast (laughs). This I have to see.

Added: 04/04/2018