T. Bag And The Revenge Of The T. Set Episode 2: When In Rome

It's the Emperor of Rome’s birthday and the head of the army, Marcus Nastius, is trying to poison Caesar's birthday party ice cream.
The High-T Website synopsis

We're a team you and I

(T-Shirt is playing with a toy aeroplane making a lot of noise)
T-Bag: T-Shirt, I'm in no mood for Tom Foolery.
T-Shirt: Who's he when he's at home?
T-Bag: Who?
T-Shirt: Tom What's-his-name.
T-Bag: Tom Foo... Look let's get one thing straight boy, this time things are going to be different around here. You're not a baby anymore and I don't expect you to behave like a baby. We're a team you and I, we go together like a horse and cart, like a knife a fork, like erm...
T-Shirt: A bucket and spade.
T-Bag: Exactly.
T-Shirt: Like peaches and cream.
T-Bag: Yes.
T-Shirt: Fish and chips.
T-Bag: Quite.
T-Shirt: Rock and roll; snakes and ladders; rhubarb and custard.
T-Bag: Alright that's enough.
T-Shirt: Sooty and Sweep.
T-Bag: I said enough. Tea. We've got to find out where fidget-face Sally has got to and stop her before she gets her grubby hands on any of those silver spoons. Hurry up!
T-Shirt: Milk 'n sugar.
T-Bag: I told you to cut that out.
T-Shirt: I was only asking, Milk 'n sugar.
T-Bag: Oh, just make the tea.

Added: 04/04/2013

The Royal spoon mighty Caesar

Sally: Excuse me.
Emperor Billius: Ah-ha! Where did you spring from? Have you come to join in my birthday celebrations? You're the first to arrive, ha, ha. Well? Where is it then? I'm waiting.
Sally: Where's what?
Emperor Billius: My present of course, come on, hand it over, it had better be something nice.
Sally: I'm sorry, I haven't got a present, I don't even know who you are.
Emperor Billius: Hurhp, I am the Emperor, Billius Buntius Caesar.
Sally: Pleased to meet you Billius.
Emperor Billius: Cor, what a nerve. Gate crashing my party and not even bringing a present, not even a card, nothing. It's an outrage, that's what it is, an outrage.
(Nastius comes in with a tray of ice cream).
Nastius: Hail Caesar.
Emperor Billius: Ah, this is more like it, my ice cream, ha.
Nastius: I've got three flavours here Caesar, if you'd be so kind as to tell me which one you want for the party I'll have some made up.
Emperor Billius: Oh yumsters, they all look so scrummy.
Nastius: The Royal spoon mighty Caesar.
Emperor Billius: What flavour's this? No, no, no, don't tell me. (Tastes some from each bowl) Mmmmmm. Mmmm. Oh yeah, this one, oh, yummy doodle delish. What is it?
Nastius: Pistachio.
Emperor Billius: Bless you.
Nastius: No, no, it's called Pistachio Cassata Caesar, nuts to you.
Emperor Billius: Nuts to you as well you big bully. I'll have a big dollop of that, no, two big dollops. And don't be all day about it and where's my present?
Nastius: I'll get your present right away mighty Caesar.
Emperor Billius: It had better be something good.
Nastius: Oh it will be. Hail Caesar.
Emperor Billius: Ohhh. I do wish you'd stop doing that. (Nastius leaves). You still here? What is it you want?
Sally: I was just wondering, that spoon.
Emperor Billius: Yes, well?
Sally: Do you think I could have it?
Emperor Billius: Cor, bloomin' nerve of it. My birthday and you expect me to dish out the pressies. Fat chance. Hop it.
Sally: Oh please, it's important.
Emperor Billius: Beetle on I said.
Sally: I tell you what, if I get you a nice present then can I have it?
Emperor Billius: What, a really nice present?
Sally: Yes.
Emperor Billius: Well, maybe, maybe not, it all depends.
Sally: Right, I won't be long.
(Sally leaves).
Emperor Billius: Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday dear Billius Buntius Caesar the second. Happy Birthday to me.

Added: 04/04/2022

Beware the Ides of February

Emperor Billius: Where's my presents? Where's my balloons? Where's my ice cream? Guu-ahh, this is a joke.
T-Bag: Beware, beware, beware, the Ides of February.
Emperor Billius: Cripes, it's a soothsayer.
T-Bag: Beware, the Ides of February.
Emperor Billius: What?
T-Bag: Beware, beware, beware.
Emperor Billius: Beware what? Why? When?
T-Bag: The Ides of February are upon you.
Emperor Billius: They are?
T-Bag: Oh yes.
Emperor Billius: Is that bad?
T-Bag: Bad, bad, Wha-haa, ha ha ha. In my minds eye I see trouble brewing, big trouble for you.
Emperor Billius: Hwmmmmmmmmm.
T-Bag: Doom, doom and destruction will rain down upon your head unless you do everything that I tell you.
Emperor Billius: Tell me quick.
T-Bag: You must rid yourself of silver, anything that is silver. Silver spells suffering, suffering and sorrow so get rid of your silver pronto.
Emperor Billius: Don't worry I will. Doom, doom and destruction.
Nastius: Hail Caesar. I've got your birthday present Caesar, oh I think you'll be cock-a-hoop, I thought it would look very nice on your bedside plinth Caesar.
Emperor Billius: It's silver!
Nastius: Oh yes, solid silver Caesar.
Emperor Billius: Urgghhh (he drops it on Nastius' foot).
Nastius: Arrggghhhhhh.
Emperor Billius: Silver spells suffering.
Nastius: You could say that Caesar, yes.
Emperor Billius: Suffering and sorrow, you, you, your out to get me aren't you?
Nastius: No Caesar.
Emperor Billius: But I'm going to get you first, I should never have made you head of the army in the first place, there (he pulls of the army medallion from Nastius).
Nastius: But Caesar.
Emperor Billius: You're fired, some birthday bash this is turning out to be. Where's my present? Where's my ice cream? Where's my balloon?
Nastius: Why that horrible, spoiled, jumped-up jack-ass. You'll pay dearly for this.
T-Bag: I quite agree.
Nastius: Aai. Who are you then you old hag?
T-Bag: Let's just say we've got one thing in common. We both want to see that imbecile emperor take a tumble.
Nastius: That's for sure.
T-Bag: You and I could help one another.
Nastius: Indeed.
T-Bag: Work together, form a team.
Nastius: Like Romulus and Remus.
T-Bag: Exactly.
Nastius: Rhubarb and custard.
T-Bag: Don't you start.
Nastius: You mean we're talking...
T-Bag & Nastius: Conspiracy.
Nastius: Ooh, I love it, ooh, shush, look meet me outside the senate building at 4 'o clock, eh.
T-Bag: You're on.
Nastius: Oh Billius, I'll give you a birthday bash you'll never forget. Ha, ha, ha.

Added: 04/04/2013

I'm the Queen of Sheba

(The toy aeroplane falls and Nastius starts breaking it apart).
Nastius: Oh where did that blasted thing come from?
T-Shirt: Oi, what's the big idea? What do you think you're playing at?
Nastius: Beat it kid.
T-Shirt: You can't do that.
Nastius: I've already done it, now sling your hook you little brat.
T-Shirt: Don't talk to me like that, I'm the head of the army you know.
Nastius: Oh yeah and I'm the Queen of Sheba (laughs).
T-Shirt: I am, look.
(T-Shirt shows him the army medallion).
Nastius: Here, where did you get that from?
T-Shirt: The Emperor.
Nastius: Ousted by a pint sized pup, oh that blasted Billius, barrrgghh!
T-Shirt: He's a laugh.
Nastius: A laugh? Ha, ha, ha, ha. You'll be laughing on the other side of your face when he's finished with you son.
T-Shirt: Eh?
Nastius: He's a fickle little fiend and make no mistake, you watch your step. I knew a man who was head of the army once.
T-Shirt: What happened to him?
Nastius: Kwiiiiiich.
T-Shirt: You mean Kwiiiiiich.
Nastius: Kwiiiiiich (Sally enters but hides behind the pillars to listen). There's only one way to stop his reign of terror, that's to nip it in the bud, act fast before the rot sets in. Desperate situations calls for desperate measures.
T-Shirt: I don't know what you mean?
Nastius: Nor do I really but Billius must go.
T-Shirt: Must he?
Nastius: Yeah, it's either him or us.
T-Shirt: But he's my friend.
Nastius: Ah-ha.
(T-Bag arrives).
T-Bag: Good afternoon all.
Nastius: Ah, my fellow plotter.
T-Shirt: Plotter?
T-Bag: Yes T-Shirt.
Nastius: You know this boy?
T-Bag: I do.
Nastius: Then perhaps you can convince him what needs to be done.
T-Shirt: But the Emperor's nice.
T-Bag: Listen, the Emperor's got the spoon and this idiot can help us get it. Got it?
T-Shirt: Got it.
T-Bag: Good. It's all agreed, the plot is afoot.
Nastius: Good news.
T-Shirt: Down with the Emperor.
Nastius & T-Bag: Down with the Emperor.
Nastius, T-Bag & T-Shirt: Down with the Emperor.
(Sally runs off but T-Bag spots her).
T-Bag: Sally Simpkins! I thought you were going to sort her out.
T-Shirt: You what?
T-Bag: Do I have to do everything myself? Oh leave it to me, I'll see to it. Just you get on with the plot.
(T-Bag disappears).
T-Shirt: Right, what do we do now?
Nastius: Well sunshine, now we get some lovely ice cream for our darling Emperor's birthday party, that's what.
T-Shirt: Eh?

Added: 04/04/2015

Beware the little girl in blue and pink

Sally: But you've got to listen to me.
Emperor Billius: You said you were going to get me a pressie. I want my pressie.
Sally: Here you are.
(Sally passes him a bunch of flowers).
Emperor Billius: Cor, is that all? I want another one of those flying things, oh. Where's that T-Shirt fellow?
Sally: That's what I'm trying to tell you, he's joined a conspiracy to overthrow you.
Emperor Billius: You're joking.
Sally: It's true, I heard it all.
Emperor Billius: What, that nice little boy with the smiley face?
Sally: Yes. He and Nastius are out to get you.
Emperor Billius: Nastius, jeepers, you can't trust anybody these days.
Sally: Well you can trust me.
Emperor Billius: Yes, yes, that's right, you can help me. Find out more, find out what they're up to.
Sally: If I help you, can I have that silver spoon I mentioned earlier?
Emperor Billius: What? Uh, anything, yes, but hurry, hurry.
(Sally runs off and T-Bag appears).
T-Bag: Beware.
Emperor Billius: Oh what now?
T-Bag: Beware the little girl in blue and pink. Do not trust the little girl in blue and pink.
Emperor Billius: But I do trust her.
T-Bag: The little girl in blue and pink spells trouble. Heed my warning, she brings doom, doom and destruction!
(T-Bag disappears and Billius bites on his flowers).

Added: 04/04/2017

The powder from the pouch

T-Bag: Let's get this straight, the powder from the pouch is in the bowl with the mole.
T-Shirt: No, no.
T-Bag: That's what you said.
T-Shirt: I said the bowl with the mole has the treat you can eat!
T-Bag: Ah, right, so, the pouch with the fish has the powder in the dish.
T-Shirt: What pouch with the fish? The fish is on the dish.
T-Bag: I thought the ice cream was on the dish.
T-Shirt: The ice cream is in the dish.
T-Bag: The dish with the fish?
T-Shirt: Yes!
T-Bag: What about the mole you can eat?
T-Shirt: You don't eat the mole, you eat the treat and the treat is in the dish with the fish.
T-Bag: Ah, no, you're wrong there, the powder from the pouch is in the dish with the fish!
T-Shirt: That's what I said!
T-Bag: It's not what you said at all! This is what you said...
(In the next T-Room scene)
T-Shirt: The powder from the pouch is in the dish with the fish, but the bowl with the mole has the treat you can eat!
T-Bag: There's no need to shout!
T-Shirt: Have you got it now?
T-Bag: Of course I've got it. I've always had it. I'd better go and sort this out. You go and find that fool, Nastius.

Added: 04/04/2012

Don't Eat That

T-Shirt: Stop, Don’t eat that!
Emperor Billius: Too late, I’m a gonna.
T-Shirt: No, the powder from the pouch is in the bowl with the mole.
T-Bag: what are you burbling about now? (Yawns)
T-Shirt: Oh no you’ve eaten the wrong one.
T-Bag: Piffle I did exactly as... (dozes off).
T-Shirt: Oops, time to go, excuse-me.