T. Bag's Christmas Ding-Dong

T-Shirt decides to treat T-Bag to a night at the Christmas opera, but T-Bag is not interested but when she finds out that her cousin Vanity Bag has the starring role, T-Bag auditions and ousts Vanity Bag with her cunning plan of T-Shirt writing a new opera, but both T-Bag and Vanity Bag want to star in the opera so what will T-Shirt do?
The High-T Website synopsis

T-Bag finds herself out in the cold when her cousin Vanity Bag decides she wants to be the star of the new opera.
TV Times listing

A Christmassy show starring the famous, and usually serious, actress Glenda Jackson. She plays Vanity Bag!
Lookin listing

The wicked witch, T-Bag (Georgina Hale), comes across her cousin and arch rival Vanity Bag (Glenda Jackson) in this festive extravaganza set in a Viennese Opera House.
Unknown newspaper listing

Mein opera

Pumpernickel: Yarrrghhh!
T-Shirt: Steady.
Pumpernickel: What is? Uh?
T-Shirt: Sorry.
Pumpernickel: Where, where, where in blazes did you spring from eh?
T-Shirt: Well I was...
Pumpernickel: Get out of here. Leave mein theatre this instant, do you hear?
T-Shirt: I was only...
Pumpernickel: Go, go, go again. Scram.
T-Shirt: But you see I.
Pumpernickel: But me no buts boy. Archduke Fritz of Flugelfurt will be here at any minute. So go, vamoose, sling your hook, skidaddle. (Pumpernickel escorts T-Shirt out of the theatre into the street outside). Out, out. You want to see mein opera, you buy a ticket like anyone else.
T-Shirt: But I was only...
Pumpernickel: Get out, out.
T-Shirt: Charming. Thanks a lot.

Added: 26/12/2020

You're going to be a star

Pumpernickel: (Knocks on door) Maria. (Knocks again) Maria, my dear.
Maria: Is he here? (he nods) Hurmmm.
Pumpernickel: Calm yourself my dear, you've got nothing to worry yourself about. Arch Duke Fritz will be cock-a-hoop (laughs), he'll adore you.
Maria: Do you think so?
Pumpernickel: I know so (laughs), come, let us rustle up some arpeggios before he arrives, hmm.
Maria: I'm so nervous.
Pumpernickel: Why be nervous? You have the most beautiful voice in the whole of Flugelfurt. You're going to be a star, hmm.
(They walk off and a masked Vanity Bag walks in).
Vanity Bag: That’s what you think, there’s only one star around here and that’s me-a! (laughs).

Added: 26/12/2020

A night at the opera

T-Shirt: The Enchanted Trombone, I bet T-Bag would like that. Yeah, that'll bring a smile to her face. Your Majesty, your Majesty.
(T-Shirt uses his magic and T-Bag appears in a bathtub).
T-Bag: Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Ouurrrggghh, what the devil?
T-Shirt: Oops.
T-Bag: Oh I might have known, the boy with no brain.
T-Shirt: Sorry.
T-Bag: Whoops and sorry, sorry and oops, the two most well used words in your vocabulary. Hmm, what did you drag me here for? Uh, it's freezing.
T-Shirt: Fancy a night at the opera.
T-Bag: What?
T-Shirt: The Enchanted Trombone, look, my treat.
T-Bag: Oh you idiot.
(Fanfare as the Arch Duke arrives, Pumpernickel comes out into the street).
Pumpernickel: It's the arch duke, it's the arch duke, all stand for the arch duke. No, not you madam, sit down. Oh welcome, welcome, welcome your highness, welcome to the Royal Flugelfurt Opera House.
Archduke Fritz: I hope for your sake you've got the heating on, it's perishing out here.
(The Arch Duke goes into the opera house).
Pumpernickel: Crying out loud, cover yourself up madam, this isn’t Paris you know, oi, oi, oi.
(Pumpernickel mutters as he goes inside).
T-Bag: Don't just stand there looking urhhh gormless, do something, I'm freezing.
T-Shirt: Hang on, I'll get a towel.
T-Bag: Ohhhhh.
(T-Shirt goes into the opera house, closes the door which causes and avalanche of snow, he then pops his head out of the door).
T-Shirt: Oops, sorry.
T-Bag: Ohhhhh.

Added: 04/04/2015

A Christmas treat

T-Shirt: Well that's great isn't it? I just wanted to give you a Christmas treat.
T-Bag: Treat? You want to give me a treat, go and jump on the roof.
T-Shirt: I thought you might enjoy a nice night at the opera.
T-Bag: Opera, you know I can't bear opera. Sounds like balloons being rubbed together.
T-Shirt: Why do I bother?
T-Bag: Oh it beats me. Urrrrhhh. I can't bear it here a minute longer, I'm off.
T-Shirt: Good, well go on then, buzz off. And a mouldy Christmas to you too.
(Vanity Bag is heard singing inside the opera house).
T-Bag: Shut up, listen.
T-Shirt: I thought you said you didn't like...
T-Bag: Shhhhhh. Urrrhhhh, I know that voice, oh it can't be, what's she doing here?
T-Shirt: Who?
T-Bag: Urrhhh, out of my way (Maria walks outside). Urrrhhh, do you mind? (T-Bag marches inside).
T-Shirt: Sorry about that, the day they dished out manners, she was out blowing raspberries at the Vicar (laughs). (Maria cries and runs off). Are you alright? What's wrong?
T-Bag (Off screen): T-Shirt! Come on.

Added: 26/12/2020

Christmas entertainment

Vanity Bag (in song): When I'm feeling weary, sad and all alone. One thing I know will cheer me, a bla-aaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaast, a blast on the old trombone. So I puff and I wheeze, blow the squirrels right out of the trees. All the birds go tweet and they stamp they feet. I'm a sucker for a blow, I'm a sucker for a blow, I'm a sucker for a blow on the old troooo-m-boooooo-oooooo-nnneeee. Trooooooooommm-booooooooooooo-oooooooooo-ooooooooo-nnne.
Archduke Fritz: What a load of old codswallop. Next!
Vanity Bag: There is no 'next'. If I'm not the star of the opera, there is no opera.
Archduke Fritz: Suits me duckie, who needs it anyway? Boring!
Pumpernickel: But sire, we have to have an opera, it's the tradition. We've been doing the Enchanted Trombone in Flugelfurt at Christmas for the last thirty years.
Archduke Fritz: Yes, and I've sat through every boring one of them. Haven't you got any other operas knocking around? Something with a few laughs in it.
Pumpernickel: Ha, ha, ha, laughs? But sire with all respect, this is an opera, not the circus.
Archduke Fritz: More's the pity. How would you feel if I stop funding your operas and gave all my money to the circus, eh?
Vanity Bag: Listen you big lunk, you better stump up the cash for this show or they'll be riots in the streets. Woe betide you if you deny the people their Christmas entertainment. You'll be out on your ear hole dummy.
Archduke Fritz: I will?
Vanity Bag: Indubitably.
Pumpernickel: She's right your Highness. The show must go on.
Vanity Bag: With me as the star.
Archduke Fritz: Oh, alright, alright, do it. I'll give you the money, anything.
Pumpernickel: A thousand thank-yous sire.
Archduke Fritz: And if that screeching hyena is the only singer you can dredge up, I suppose she will just have to do.
Vanity Bag: Did you hear that? He adores me. Come Pumperknickers or whatever your name is, lead me to the star dressing room, Tout de suite. I'll out-twinkle them all to-niii-iightt. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
T-Bag: Ohhhhhh, ohhhhhh. T-Shirt! Curse her, curse her all the way to kingdom come and back again. Star of the opera.
T-Shirt: Who is she anyway?
T-Bag: She's my show-off, stuck-up, swanky cousin, Vanity Bag.
T-Shirt: Vanity Bag. Your cousin?
T-Bag: Yeeeeeeess, twice removed but not removed far enough for my liking. Star of the opera, well we'll see about that.
T-Shirt: I, I, we're in for a Ding-Dong!

Added: 08/12/2012

Dear Cousin

T-Bag: Oh the builders have done a fine job here.
T-Shirt: What builders?
T-Bag: The ones who took down the door and demolished half the wall.
T-Shirt: What did they do that for?
T-Bag: So that my dear cousin, Vanity Bag, could get her big head into the room. Ha ha ha…
Vanity Bag: Tabatha my dear, congratulations I’ve just heard the good news.
T-Bag: What good news?
Vanity Bag: That they plan to hold the next FA Cup final in your mouth. Well aren’t you going to congratulate me I’ve got the lead?
T-Bag: Well put it on and I’ll take you for a walk. Ha ha ha… You can’t sing.
Vanity Bag (into song): Oh yes I caaa-aaaaa-nnn.
T-Bag (into song): No you caaa-aaaaa-nnnnn’t.
Vanity Bag: But I’m the star of the opera.
T-Bag: Well we’ll soon see about that.

Knock the monograms off your socks

T-Bag (in song): I'm a sucker for a blow, sucker for a blow, sucker for a blow on the old troooooooo-m-boooooo-oooooo-nnneeee.
T-Bag: Admit it, I'm the star of the opera round here, not that puffed up old bag of wind in there.
Archduke Fritz: Madam, you were abysmal.
T-Bag: What!?
Archduke Fritz: No, no, no, no, no, no, not abysmal, more stonking-well chronic.
T-Bag: Oh it's not my fault, it's this music. It's boring, boring, boring old twaddle.
Archduke Fritz: Well, I'll grant you that but it's all we've got. we're stuck with it.
T-Bag: Not necessarily.
Archduke Fritz: What do you mean, Pumpernickel what does she mean?
T-Bag: I mean I can lay my hands on an opera which will knock the monograms off your socks.
Archduke Fritz: Oh yes.
Pumpernickel: Written by whom may we ask?
T-Bag: Written by the one and only, the one and only child genius, Wolfgang Amadeus Shirt.
Pumpernickel: Oh. Who?
Archduke Fritz: Who?

Added: 08/12/2012

Opera's golden wonder boy

T-Bag: Wolfgang Amadeus Shirt.
Pumpernickel: I've never heard of him.
T-Bag: Never, oh you uncultured oaf, but you've heard of him haven't you?
Archduke Fritz: Yes, yes, yes, of course I have. Everybody's heard of...
T-Shirt: Wolfman.
T-Bag: Wolfgang.
T-Shirt: Wolfgang Amadeus Shirt at your service your highness. Why am I doing this?
T-Bag: Oh the toast of Europe's uppercrust, opera's golden wonder boy. Composer of such immortal classics as Tea Cosi fan tutte, need I say more?
Archduke Fritz: No.
T-Bag: Exactly. This boy will give you an opera the likes of which you've never seen. Your ears will be flapping, your toes will be tapping and wait 'til you catch a load of his opus.
Archduke Fritz: Mmm, I'm interested, ok, let's give it a whirl, huh.
T-Bag: What, splendid, Of course, Wolfie insists that I play the leading role, don't you?
T-Shirt: Huh?
T-Bag: Exactly, and how right to. Come my treasured lumpet, let's away and lubricate the old tonsils.

Added: 26/12/2015

The lead in your Opera

T-Shirt: This is nuts.
T-Bag: Oh shut up, shut up, I'm not asking you to do anything difficult just sit there and write me an opera.
T-Shirt: You're bonkers you are.
T-Bag: There. And make it good, especially my part.
T-Shirt: You're as vain as your cousin, worse.
(T-Bag walks off and Vanity Bag walks in).
T-Shirt: Eurrghhh.
Vanity Bag: I heard all that, so you're a composer now, well listen up Mister music man, I want the lead in your opera.
T-Shirt: But T-Bag said...
Vanity Bag: Oh never mind about her, I didn't nobble that other ghastly singer so my hateful cousin could step into her shoes.
T-Shirt: So it was you, was it?
Vanity Bag: Hmmmm.
T-Shirt: You made Maria lose her voice, what a rotten thing to do.
Vanity Bag: Listen up genius Jim, if I don't have the lead in your opera, you will lose something more than your voice, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Added: 08/12/2013

Do penguins fly?

T-Shirt: One fresh bake opera hot of the press.
Pumpernickel: You’ve finished it, oh thank the stars, is it good?
T-Shirt: Is it good, my dear man, do penguins fly?
Pumpernickel: No.
T-Shirt: Oh.
Pumpernickel: It had better be good; the whole future of the royal flugelfurt opera house depends on it.
T-Shirt: Trust me it’s a cracker.
Pumpernickel: A Christmas cracker!

A fairy for our tree

(Round of applause).
Pumpernickel: Ladies and Gentlemen, the national anthem.
(The national anthem plays).
Archduke Fritz: Oh alright, alright, get on with it. Let's hope it's better than the load of old tosh we usually get.
(The Archduke takes his seat and the play begins).
T-Shirt (in song): There is trouble in the air I do believe, do believe. There is panic and despair on Christmas Eve, Christmas Eve. All the toys are in a state of misery, misery. 'Cause we haven't got a fairy for our tree, for our tree.
T-Bag (in song): Soldier boy I hear your plea. Help is now at hand. I will be atop the tree with one wave of my wand.
T-Bag: Urrh, you idiot.
T-Shirt: Ow!
T-Bag (in song): As fairies go, I'll have you know, I'm best in all the land! Hip-hip hoorah, I'll save the day, with one wave of my wand!
T-Bag: Eeeh.
T-Shirt (in song): Hooray! Hooray! She's here to stay. She's come to save our Christmas Day. She's pretty, witty, pert and blonde, she hits me with her magic wand!
T-Bag: You idiot!
T-Shirt: Just stop that.
Vanity Bag (in song): Here I am, here I am. Better late than never. Caught in a crush in the Christmas rush, thought 'twould last forever! Tabatha Bag, Tabatha Bag, what is this terrible folly? If you think for a mo, you're the star of this show, you've got to be off your trolley!
T-Bag: Oh, push off Vanity. There's only room for one of us on that top of that tree and that's meeeee!
Vanity Bag: Says who?
T-Bag: Says me!
Vanity Bag: Oh, yeeeees?
T-Bag: Oh, yes! And I'll tell you why!
T-Bag (in song): I am the tops. I am supreme. You are the milk and I'm the cream! There's only room for one of us up there, on that tree, and that's me!
Vanity Bag (in song): I am the star. I am the one! If you were a light bulb, I'd be the sun. There's only room for one of us up there, on that tree, and that's me. I've blossomed into quite a dainty rose dear, a pretty pink. While you just seem to wilt and decompose dear, pooh, what a stink! I can sing sweetly, voice like a lark.
T-Bag (in song): More like a sea lion learning to bark! There's only room for one of us up there, on that tree. Bag with a T!
Vanity Bag (in song): I've been on telly, cinema screens.
T-Bag (in song): Yes, I saw your commercial you did for baked beans! There's only room for one of us up there, on that tree. And that's me!
Vanity Bag (in song): Loved by the critics, awards up to here.
T-Bag (in song): Crufts gave you one for dog of the year. Only room for one of us up there.
Vanity Bag (in song): Only room for one of us up there.
T-Bag & Vanity Bag (in song): Only room for one of us up there, on that tree. And that's me! Only room for one of us up there, on that tree. Me! Me! Me! Me, me, me, me! Arrrgh.
T-Shirt (in song): There's a state of war on the nursery floor. Here come the soldiers, trouble we abhor! When the ding-dong's doing and the brawl is brewing, call for Sergeant Shirt. Fire!
(He fires the cannon, and we see two pairs of smoking shoes, another tree turns round to reveal Maria in a fairy costume).
Maria (in song): I dreamed a dream that one day I'd be, the fairest of the fairies on the Christmas tree. But dreams, what are dreams? They come, they go. Fall from the sky then melt like snow. Oh, it all seemed so hopeless, then there was you. Now I know that for certain, dreams really can come true!
Archduke Fritz: Bravo, woah, more, encore. Uh, now that's what I call a show. Pumpernickel, I love it. I'm going to pump all my nickels into this place from now on. Here, catch.
(He throws a bag of coins to Pumpernickel, T-Shirt and Maria take their bows on stage).

Added: 04/04/2024

Pride goes before a fall

Vanity Bag: You stupid woman.
T-Bag: Oh, Big head.
Vanity Bag: Pea brain.
T-Bag: Oh this is ridiculous, what are we doing here?
Vanity Bag: You're right, it's Christmas, a time of peace and good will. What do you say, we become friends.
T-Bag: Alright.
Vanity Bag: Alright. Remember pride goes before a fall.
T-Bag: How right you are.

Added: 04/04/2012