T. Bag And The Sunstones Of Montezuma Episode 3: Wilma Tell

The King, Hamburger Guzzler, has forbidden everybody else from having chocolate. He is offering a reward of the next sunstone for the capture of Wilma Tell who is trying to steal back all the chocolate.
The High-T Website synopsis

Slap-chum

T-Bag: Oi, that was my last prawn, put it back.
T-Shirt: It's not a prawn, it's a pawn. Give it to me, and for your information that's a checkmate.
T-Bag: And for your information that's a slap-chum.
T-Shirt: You're a bad loser that's what you are.
T-Bag: I know, I know, talking of losers let's see what that pathetic pee-wee piffle-pants is up to.

Added: 04/04/2012

Watch My Lips

Penny: So where do I start looking for the next sunstone then, hmm? (Guzzler walks in) Urh.
Hamburger Guzzler: Urh. Is that all you have to say my dear, hmm. What's up? Pussy got your tongue. Prostrate yourself girl and salute the cap of your sheriff Hamburger Guzzler.
Penny: (Salutes) Um, hello. I'm Penny, Penny Hunt (holds out her hand).
Hamburger Guzzler: I couldn't give a tinkers belch who you are. I'm not here to hobnob with the peasants, ha! Now come on, get on with it, turn out your bag.
Penny: Aih?
Hamburger Guzzler: Hmm, first it's urh then it's aih, I mean, don't they teach you any words with more than one syllable at school these days?
Hamburger Guzzler: Watch my lips, turn out your bag.
Penny: Watch my lips. No!
Hamburger Guzzler: Give me the bag.
Penny: It's not fair, I need these sunstones, they're really important, you don't understand.
Hamburger Guzzler: Oh I'm not interested in your precious stones, got bucket loads of cash back at the castle.
Penny: Well what do you want then?
Hamburger Guzzler: I'm after your chocolate of course. A-ha-ha-ha-ha, I thought so (laughs). Oh the old hooter's never let me down yet. Precision instrument this, can sniff out a slab of fruit and nut at fifty paces, hah. You're coming home with Daddy. And you, you know the law of the land, if I so much as catch you with a single chocolate raisin in your grubby little mitt you'll spend the rest of your miserable days rotting in my deepest, dampest dungeon, get it? Come on baby, who's a sweetie-weetie then? (he kisses the chocolate).
Penny: He's nuts.

Updated: 04/04/2021

It's quick and it's simple and it's foolproof

T-Bag: Hear that?
T-Shirt: Course I heard it, I'm not deaf.
T-Bag: Yeah, just stupid. I've got an idea and it's quick and it's simple and it's foolproof unless you muck it up of course so pin back your lugholes and listen.

Added: 04/04/2015

The finest shot in all Switzerland

Hamburger Guzzler: Hmm. Oh what is it? (T-Shirt enters). What do you want boy?
T-Shirt: Ooh-ar, ooh-ar, ooh-ar, I be Tom Toblerone, a humble goat-herd from the valley yonder. I hear you's offering a reward for the capture of that there Wilma Tell woman.
Hamburger Guzzler: You know the whereabouts of Wilma Tell?
T-Shirt: Oh indeed I does, indeed I does. Now about this here precious sunstone you'd be offering.
Hamburger Guzzler: Hmm, a-ha.
T-Shirt: Oh.
Hamburger Guzzler: But first I want Tell, alive or dead it doesn't matter to me, then you may have your prize.
T-Shirt: Oh fair enough, fair enough me old mucker.
(T-Shirt leaves and drags in T-Bag dressed as Wilma Tell).
T-Bag: Arrghh, arrgghhhhh, urrgghhh.
T-Shirt: Get in there you miserable worm...
T-Bag: Arrghh, urh, arrgghhh, urrhh-argh.
T-Shirt:... grovel on your belly before Guzzler and plead for your wretched life.
T-Bag: Alright sunshine, don't over do it. Oh fair cop guv, yes I've done wrong. Bang me up in the slinger and sling the boy as wedge, that's your actual criminal lingo.
T-Shirt: Well I's done my part, here's your felon now, hand over the stone and I'll...
Hamburger Guzzler: Wait! How do I know that this really is Wilma Tell?
T-Bag: Yodelay-eee-eeeeee. Of course I'm Wilma Tell, look here's my funicular railway pass.
Hamburger Guzzler: Curh, could be a forgery. No, no, before I hand over the stone I want absolute proof of your identity.
T-Shirt: Uh-oh. Now we're scuppered.
Hamburger Guzzler: There's only one way to settle this. Everybody knows that Wilma Tell is the finest shot in all Switzerland. A little demonstration of your crossbow skills should settle this once and for all. You boy, stand over there and put this on your head (throws him an apple).
T-Bag: Oh.
T-Shirt: Uh, bu.. bu..
Hamburger Guzzler: Put the apple on your head.
T-Shirt: Oh, it, it won't suit me.
Hamburger Guzzler: Do it.
T-Shirt: Oh. I'm under the apple.
Hamburger Guzzler: Split that pippin with one belt from your bow and I shall know without doubt that you are Wilma Tell.
T-Bag: Split it. I shall shatter it into a million pieces.
Hamburger Guzzler: Ready?
T-Bag: Ready.
(T-Shirt uses magic to turn the apple into a pumpkin, T-Bag fires the crossbow and hits a crank which makes the chandelier fall onto Guzzler).
Hamburger Guzzler: Urrgh, uhhh, urh, urghh.
T-Bag: Best of three.
Hamburger Guzzler: Urgh, urhh, urh, guards, (sniffles) arrest these charlatans. Urh, I want them hung, drawn, quartered, stretched on the rack, thrown in the lake and what's left of them fed to the bears, uhhh.
T-Shirt: That's it, I'm out of here (he disappears).
T-Bag: Oi, come here (T-Bag disappears).
Hamburger Guzzler: Urh-ha.

Added: 04/04/2023

A much better idea

Penny: So my job is to get all the nine sunstones before T-Bag can get her hands on them.
Wilma Tell: Well I've got some good news for you Penny. A stone exactly like this is being offered by Guzzler as a reward for my capture.
Penny: Great! Oh, I mean, not so great. You're not suggesting I hand you over and get the stone as my prize, are you? Cos I won't do it and there's no way...
Wilma Tell: No, no, no, no, no. I have a much better idea than that. For some time now I've been planning to raid Guzzler's castle and liberate all the chocolate from his strong room, I just need somebody to assist me.
Penny: You want me to help you get the chocolate?
Wilma Tell: Yes and while we're there we'll see if we can get your sunstone as well. How does that sound? Ooh.
Penny: Brilliant.
Wilma Tell: Penny, you are now an honorary member of the C.L.F.
Penny & Wilma Tell: C.L.F.

Added: 04/04/2018

I'll explain on the way

T-Bag: That's it, come on, we're off.
(T-Bag disappears).
T-Shirt: Not if it means using me for target practice again.
(T-Bag reappears).
T-Bag: No, no, no. Old chocolate chops has gone and broken his tooth, just the opportunity we need to get down there and nab the next stone.
T-Shirt: I don't get it.
T-Bag: You will, come on, I'll explain on the way.

Added: 04/04/2024