Take Off With T. Bag Episode 9: The Red Shoes

T-Bag, T-Shirt and Tow-Ling arrive in Hollywood where a toothpaste commercial is being filmed with a boy who gets fired. When Tow-Ling goes out for a walk Tow-Ling gets the part in the commercial. Tow-Ling is offered a part in a TV spectacular by the director. When T-Bag finds out she wants a part in the spectacular but she has competition from Hedda Hoofer Bag.
The High-T Website synopsis

Hollywood

T-Bag: Now where are we?
Tow-Ling: See for yourself.
T-Bag (reading the start of the sign): Uh-ho, Ho, Ho.
T-Shirt: Read all about it, T-Bag laughs, official.
T-Bag: Oh save ya money on a haircut, Shirty - cut ya head off! Where in heavens name is Uh, ho, ho.
Tow-Ling: Can't you guess?
T-Bag: No I can't you exasperating idiot. Where are we?
Tow-Ling: Hollywood.

Added: 02/07/2012

Rocky

T-Bag: This is my kinda town, I'll be back, I'll be back as soon as I make myself more glamorous than I normally am.
T-Shirt: Oh, great, (T-Shirt makes a TV appear with his magic) that gives us time to watch Rocky one, two, three, four, five, six and seven.
Tow-Ling: They haven't made Rocky seven.
T-Shirt: They will have by the time it takes her to look glamorous.
Tow-Ling: I fancy a stroll.
T-Shirt: Oh, don't get lost.
Tow-Ling: I won't.
T-Shirt: Tow-Ling, if you see Madonna, get me her autograph... (Tow-Ling chuckles) and her phone number.

Added: 08/12/2013

I'm not jealous

T-Bag: Right, I'm ready, face my public.
T-Shirt: Yeah, but is the public ready? What do you look like?
T-Bag: Oh Shirty, come on, let's go and find my Birthday surprise and maybe land me a lead or two in a movie.
T-Shirt: You're out of luck, Steven Spielberg swore he'd never make a sequel to E.T.
T-Bag: Oh shut it Shirty.
T-Shirt: You're living in a fantasy world woman, people don't just walk in off the street and end up on the silver screen you know, it just doesn't happen.
Darren Katz (from the TV): ...and let's see you smile.
Tow-Ling (from the TV, in song): Sunnydent spells confidence, so smile, smile, smile. In a little while you'll smile a smile as wide as a mile like me.
Darren Katz (from the TV): New Sunnydent toothpaste, in four fabulous flavours: chocolate, toffee, sherbet, fudge, let in the sun with Sunnydent.
T-Shirt: Eh?
T-Bag: What! How did that sickly little beansprout get his zig-zog on the tele?
T-Shirt: Wasn't he fab, what a star.
T-Bag: There's only one star in this cup and saucer buster and that's me.
T-Shirt: Jealous, eh?
T-Bag: I'm not jealous.
T-Shirt: Greener than a car-sick snooker table.
T-Bag: I am not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not jealous.
T-Shirt: Next thing you'll know he'll be starring in the movies.
T-Bag: Ohhh, that ugly sickly chipolata, cocktail-stick, beef burger, sausage burger. I'm gonna be a star, I'm gonna be a star.
(T-Bag disappears)
T-Shirt: Hardly jealous at all eh, T-Bag.
(T-Bag reappears)
T-Bag: Come on.

Added: 02/07/2012

He's casting his new TV spectacular

T-Bag: Can you believe that bozo, well if he likes him wait 'til he sees me.
T-Shirt: Let's just find your birthday surprise, hey, and get gone.
T-Bag: Oh you, you're dimmer than a cardboard light bulb, that's you, didn't you hear the man, he's casting his new TV spectacular.
T-Shirt: And you want to play the female lead, right?
T-Bag: Mais oui, naturellement.
T-Shirt: Ok, ok, I'll see if I can organise an audition.
T-Bag: You, you couldn't organise a knees-up.
T-Shirt: Wait here!
(T-Shirt walks over to Nancy in the studio).
T-Shirt: Hi.
Nancy: Hi.
T-Shirt: I'm Tom Boy Shirt, Tow-Ling's cousin.
Nancy: Oh right, oh he sure is loaded with talent.
T-Shirt: Kinda runs in the family ma'am, that's why I'm here, I gather you're looking for stars for your latest TV spectacular.
Nancy: Sure, Mr Katz is auditioning dancers at two o'clock, you know someone?
T-Shirt: You bet, my Mum, Shirley Shirt.
Nancy: Oh well, Mr Katz is big on Shirts right now, I'm sure he'd see her.
T-Shirt: Two o'clock?
Nancy: Be there.
T-Shirt: Cheers, you go easy now, having a nice day, hey, missing you already.
(T-Shirt walks back to speak to T-Bag).
T-Shirt: All done, no flies on me, eh?
T-Bag: There will be when I kill you, what was all that tosh about and who in fig-nation is Shirley Shirt?
T-Shirt: In showbiz Tabatha darling it's not what you know, it's who you know. What they call nepotism.
T-Bag: Under no circumstances will I ever, ever, call myself Shirley Shirt. Never.
T-Shirt: You want to get on TV don't you?

Added: 02/07/2012

Tabatha's Audition

T-Bag (in song): I’m just a Broadway Lady, Shuffling off her tired feet, pounding 42nd street, to be in a show.
Gee, gee, Mr Pro-du-cer, gimme, gimme, gimme the lead, I love the sound of the crowd.
And I can sing any old thing but I prefer to sing it LAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWDDDDD!

Do you hear that

T-Bag: Do you hear that, do you hear that, I slew 'em dead didn't I?
T-Shirt: Him and the song.

Added: 02/07/2012

A new commandment

Darren Katz: For crying out loud Nancy, where are the other applicants?
Nancy: I don't know Mr Katz, there were twelve of them but they all just... vanished.
Darren Katz: What am I going to do. If Moses had heard singing like that he'd have written a new commandment.
Nancy: What?
Darren Katz: Thou shalt not sing.
Nancy: But I could play the part Mr Katz, I can sing and dance.

Added: 02/07/2012

The Two O' Clock Auditions

Hedda Hoofer Bag: Pardon me, I’m looking for Darren Katz’s office.
Darren Katz: Well I’m Darren Katz.
Hedda Hoofer Bag: Oh thank heavens, I’m Hedda Hoofer Bag for the two o’ clock auditions.
Darren Katz: Oh bliss, oh rapture.
T-Bag (to T-Shirt): I thought you got rid of them all?
Hedda Hoofer Bag: I’m sorry I’m late everybody, I came straight from the beauty parlour.
T-Bag: Too bad they were shut.
Hedda Hoofer Bag: I beg your pardon.
T-Bag: Haven’t I seen your face somewhere before, like in a nightmare perhaps?
Hedda Hoofer Bag: Who is this lady?
Darren Katz: Never mind her Hedda, we’re dying to see your audition.
Hedda Hoofer Bag: Oh thank you Mr Katz. This is a number made famous by me last year on Broadway.
T-Bag: Cricklewood Broadway.

Never been so insulted

T-Bag: What a load of rubbish. You couldn't carry a tune if there was handles on it and you’ve got calves that only a cow would love.
Hedda Hoofer Bag: I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life.
T-Bag: Yes, well dear you’re still young.
Hedda Hoofer Bag: Thank you.

Two-Faced

T-Bag: Are you out of your mind, you two-faced swine?
Darren Katz: I may be many things, lady, but two-faced I ain't.
T-Bag: True. If you had two, you wouldn't choose to wear that one!
T-Shirt: You're not helping yourself, T.B.
Darren Katz: If you'll excuse me, I have rehearsals to attend to. Goodbye!
T-Bag: You may think you're big cheese, Buster, but you only smell like it!
T-Shirt: Hey, hey forget it.
T-Bag: Are you out of your mind, forget it, nobody gets one over on Shirley Shirt. Ourgghh, what am I talking about, what am I talking about, Tabatha Bag, Tabatha Bag, Tabatha Bag. Just you wait.

Added: 08/11/2010

Margot Fonteyn the ballet dancer

T-Bag: Oh, Miss Hoover-Bag.
Hedda Hoofer-Bag: That's Hoofer-Bag, you've got some nerve lady.
T-Bag: Oh just to show you there's no hard feelings, I want to present you with these beautiful dancing shoes.
Hedda Hoofer-Bag: Yeah?
T-Bag: Yeah, as worn by the great Margot Fonteyn.
Hedda Hoofer-Bag: Margot Fonteyn the ballet dancer?
T-Bag: No. Margot Fonteyn the slug in tails from the compost heap! Oh, of course, of course, Margot Fonteyn the ballet dancer, here.
Hedda Hoofer-Bag: Why I'm touched.

Added: 04/04/2014

Stage fright

T-Bag: Looks like Miss Golden Girl got stage fright and ran off. Never mind Mr Katzy-Watzy baby, I'm here.
Darren Katz: Ok, ok, I give in. Nancy, give the woman her costume. Let's get this show on the road.
Nancy: Well you're the boss Mr Katz.
Tow-Ling: Ready Mr Katz.
Darren Katz: Looking good Tow baby. Oh, hello.
T-Bag: What? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What are you supposed to be?
Tow-Ling: I'm Peter the pea.
T-Bag: Peter the pea, you look more like pee-wee the idiot. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Tow-Ling: We're doing a commercial for frozen vegetables.
T-Bag: What?
Nancy: Your costume Ma'am, Carol the carrot.

Added: 04/04/2024

My Oscar

T-Bag: Urrrrhhhh, urrrhhhhhhh.
T-Shirt: Cheer up, you got paid didn't you?
T-Bag: Yes, forty thousand packets o' carrots and peas and another blasted golden envelope! Ooooooooh, ooooooooh..
T-Shirt: Never mind, look what I got you.
(T-Shirt shows T-Bag an Oscar).
T-Bag: Ooh, my Oscar (T-Shirt drops it on T-Bag's foot), arrrrgggghhhhhhhhh!

Added: 04/04/2015