T. Bag And The Pearls Of Wisdom Episode 1: Any Old Port

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UK Air Date02/01/1990, 4.20pm
Repeat Screening11/06/1992, 4.05pm
Copyright Year1989
VTR Date27/09/1989
Fremantle Archive Ref48947 (series ref)
Consecutive Episode Number53
IMDB LinkEpisode page

T. Bag (Tabatha Bag)Georgina Hale
T. ShirtJohn Hasler
Sally SimpkinsKellie Bright
Captain CockleIvan Beavis

Make UpAdam Beck
CostumeRaymond Childe
Graphic DesignerJeff Harrison
Stage ManagerBobby Webber
Lighting DirectorDavid Motture
Production AssistantElena Adams
DesignerJohn Plant
ProducerCharles Warren
Written ByLee Pressman
Grant Cathro
DirectorLeon Thau

Sally finds a board game called “The Pearls Of Wisdom” in Thomas’ shop. She gets called into the board game to help Captain Cockle who has been turned out of his home in a village lighthouse by Tabatha Bag, the sister of Tallulah Bag. When Thomas gets transported into the board game by T-Bag she tricks him into making her a cup of tea giving her the magic she desires. Captain Cockle tries to destroy T-Bag using The Pearls Of Wisdom but T-Bag makes them vanish so Sally sets off to find them.
The High-T Website synopsis
A blonde and beautiful woman arrives in a peaceful seaside town which has a magnificent lighthouse. And it’s not long before the lighthouse keeper is thrown out of his home by the woman. He calls on the help of Sally Simpkins and on her arrival she finds herself face to face with Tabatha Bag and T-Shirt who are up to their dirty tricks again.
TV Times listing
A young lady arrives in a peaceful seaside town which has a magnificent lighthouse. It's not long before the lighthouse keeper is thrown out of his home by the woman, so he calls on the help of Sally Simpkins who finds herself face to face with Tabatha Bag and T-Shirt.
Lookin listing

If you would like to contribute your favourite/funniest etc quotes from this episode please contact me.

The Pearls of Wisdom

Sally: Hiya.
Thomas: Hi Sal, how you doing?
Sally: Alright. Listen, do you fancy coming out somewhere, it's too nice to be stuck indoors.
Thomas: Oh, I can't, I promised to clear up some of this stuff for our sale tomorrow. You could give me a hand if you like.
Sally: Alright.
Thomas: Clear that lot off that table, will you?
(She picks up the old teapot from the last series).
Sally: I see no-one's bought this.
Thomas: No.
Sally: I'm not surprised. Right, next?
Thomas: Could you clear it all?
Sally: I have.
(Sally looks at the table and sees the board game is still there, Thomas leaves).
Sally: The Pearls of Wisdom.
(Sally moves it to the other table, looks round and it's reappeared on the table, she looks back and it isn't where she had just put it, she looks back and the board game is set up on the table, she walks back over and rolls the dice which land on 3 T's).
Captain Cockle (voice): Sally. Sally. Sally.

Added: 04/04/2016

She's my sister

T-Bag: Oh T-Plant, T-Plant, if only you could speak.
(sparks fly off the T-Plant and lightning strikes around Thomas in the curiosity shop).
T-Bag: Tell me your dark and hidden secret.
(again sparks fly off the T-Plant and in the curiosity shop).
T-Bag: Show me, show me the way, you lovely, evil weed.
(Thomas fades from the shop and appears in the lighthouse with T-Bag).
T-Shirt: T-Bag? What!
T-Bag: Oh, where did you spring from boy? What's your name?
T-Shirt: Uh, I'm T-Shirt.
T-Bag: Ohhh, that's a charming name.
T-Shirt: Who are you? Just a minute, that's a T-Plant.
T-Bag: You know about this plant?
T-Shirt: Do I, ha, I'm an expert.
T-Bag: Oh yes.
T-Shirt: Yeah, I spent years at the T-Caddy academy before I went to work for Tallula...
T-Bag: Tallulah Bag.
T-Shirt: You know T-Bag?
T-Bag: She's my sister.
T-Shirt: Her sister?
T-Bag: I'm Tabatha Bag, pleased to meet you. Now, about this plant. What's so special about it?
T-Shirt: Well, it's magic of course.
T-Bag: Ha, ha, magic!
T-Shirt: No, straight up, it is. You wouldn't believe what the tea from this plant could do.
T-Bag: Show me.
T-Shirt: Oh no, I couldn't do that, there was enough trouble when your sister got hold of it. She caused all sorts of bother.
T-Bag: I know, she disgraced the whole Bag family.
T-Shirt: The things she did, they were evil.
T-Bag: Ohh, evil. If only there was some way I could put right all my wicked sister's wrongs.
T-Shirt: Huh, that'd take a bit of doing.
T-Bag: But alas, I don't have the power. So what can I do?
T-Shirt: Not a lot I suppose.
T-Bag: But if I had a little magic.
T-Shirt: Oh no, nope, no, no way.
T-Bag: Ohhh, but I'm not like my sister, I'm good.
T-Shirt: Yeah, but, I mean...
T-Bag: Oh, please, I'm good.
T-Shirt: Well, erm...
T-Bag: Just think, we could do it together, we could spread a little happiness all over the world.
T-Shirt: You reckon?
T-Bag: Oh yes, come on, what do you say?
T-Shirt: Well it would be nice to be a goodie for a change. Alright, you're on.

Added: 04/04/2013

The other T-Bag

(Lightning and thunder rage around the harbour).
Captain Cockle: I, I, there's a storm brewing and here am I all at sea without a roof over me head. Thank you for nothing Tabatha Bag.
Sally: What did you say?
Captain Cockle: I said there's a storm brewing.
Sally: Tabatha Bag. Bag. T-Bag.
Captain Cockle: What? Hey, what are you on about?
Sally: Don't you get it? Tabatha must be a relative of Tallulah.
Captain Cockle: Tallulah who?
Sally: Tallulah Bag, T-Bag. The other T-Bag.
Captain Cockle: Nope, you've lost me.
Sally: This is awful.
Captain Cockle: What? What?
Sally: Sit yourself down Captain and I'll tell you all about it.

Added: 06/06/2015

You'll find out soon enough

Captain Cockle: What are we gonna do, what are we going to do? Tell me quick, what are we gonna do?
Sally: I haven't the faintest idea, if this new T-Bag's got half the power of the last one the world's her oyster.
Captain Cockle: Oyster, oyster. Yes of course.
(T-Bag appears)
Sally & Captain Cockle: Arrgghhh.
Captain Cockle: You, Tabatha Bag, I've got a bone to pick with you.
T-Bag: Oh, if it isn't the crashing old bore of the century, how's the open air suiting you?
Captain Cockle: You monstrous woman, you.
T-Bag: And you, who might you be?
Sally: You'll find out soon enough.
T-Bag: Oh, mysterious eh?
Captain Cockle: See here, I want my home back.
T-Bag: Oh tough luck, I've taken a shining to it, it suits my needs perfectly.
Captain Cockle: But, but, but, but.
T-Bag: I have plans.
Sally: What plans?
T-Bag: You'll find out soon enough.
Captain Cockle: Well if I can't have me home back, what about my bits and bobs, they're me souvenirs, them all I've got.
T-Bag: Oh, dreary bits of junk, you're welcome to them
(T-Bag clicks her fingers and the Captain's chest and souvenirs appear beside the baker shop).
Sally: Er, Tabatha.
T-Bag: Your Majesty to you.
Sally: Does the name Tallulah ring any bells? Tallulah Bag?
T-Bag: She was my sister, so what?
Sally: Well she had a habit of bossing people about, spreading misery and we all know what happened to her don't we.
T-Bag: My sister was an idiot, a buffoon, me I'm smart. Nobody, nobody tangles with Tabatha Bag and survives to tell the tale. Where my sister failed I shall succeed, the world is within my grasp. I will be all-powerful, invincible, and nobody, nobody, will get in my way. Nice cake... mmm.
(T-Bag disappears)
Sally: She means it you know.
Captain Cockle: No doubt she does.
Sally: Well, you don't sound very worried. Why not?
Captain Cockle: You'll find out soon enough.

Added: 04/04/2013

If you think my sister was bad

T-Bag: Hurhh, pearls of wisdom be blowed. Look, there's that brat faced girl traipsing all over the place to collect all those pearls up again.
T-Shirt: Why don't we get them first?
T-Bag: Ohhh, because I don't know where the blasted things are, do I? They're scattered all over the place. Well Miss Pee Pee Perfect Pants, if you think you're in for an easy time of it, huh, think again. This time you’re dealing with Tabatha Bag and if you think my sister was bad, oh, just you wait!

Added: 04/04/2015

"Dicey Disaster"
The dice are not standard dice are different to each other as the opposite side numbers should add up to 7 (i.e. 1&6, 2&5, 3&4) but the 'T' is labelled in a different orientation to the other 'T' dice.

"Who's Not Done Their Homework?"
There is a continuity issue in T-Shirt's education. In the first few Tallulah Bag series, reference is often made to T-Shirt doing magic homework, and, during the first series, T-Bag asks him, "How do you expect to grow up to be a good T-Caddy". In this series, however, T-Shirt says, "I spent years at the T-Caddy academy before going to work for Tallulah Bag". This implies that he should have finished his schooling before he joined Tallulah.

"The first missing pearl?"
The voiceover at the end of the episode says 'In the next episode Sally travels west to find the next missing pearl', but should have stated '...to find the first missing pearl' to be grammatically correct.

For more mistakes from other episodes, please see the Nitpicker's Guide

  • Ivan Beavis, who played Captain Cockle, sadly passed away on 24th December 1997, aged 71.
  • The font used for the logo of the Pearls of Wisdom board game is 'Cymbeline'.
  • When T-Shirt shows T-Bag the saucer trick, he says 'You'll like this, not a lot but you'll like it', this was taken from the catchphrase used by the magician Paul Daniels.
  • This is the first full-series episode of T-Bag to have it's copyright year not to be shown in Roman numerals.
  • The cup and saucer used by T-Bag in this series seems to be Masons Mandalay.