T. Bag And The Pearls Of Wisdom Episode 1: Any Old Port

Back to: Home page | Series Index

Prev Ep | Series 6 - Episode 1 | Next Ep

UK Air Date02/01/1990, 4.20pm
Repeat Screening11/06/1992, 4.05pm
Copyright Year1989
VTR Date27/09/1989
Fremantle Archive Ref48947 (series ref)
Consecutive Episode Number53
IMDB LinkEpisode page

T. Bag (Tabatha Bag)Georgina Hale
T. ShirtJohn Hasler
Sally SimpkinsKellie Bright
Captain CockleIvan Beavis

Make UpAdam Beck
CostumeRaymond Childe
Graphic DesignerJeff Harrison
Stage ManagerBobby Webber
Lighting DirectorDavid Motture
Production AssistantElena Adams
DesignerJohn Plant
ProducerCharles Warren
Written ByLee Pressman
Grant Cathro
DirectorLeon Thau

Sally finds a board game called “The Pearls Of Wisdom” in Thomas’ shop. She gets called into the board game to help Captain Cockle who has been turned out of his home in a village lighthouse by Tabatha Bag, the sister of Tallulah Bag. When Thomas gets transported into the board game by T-Bag she tricks him into making her a cup of tea giving her the magic she desires. Captain Cockle tries to destroy T-Bag using The Pearls Of Wisdom but T-Bag makes them vanish so Sally sets off to find them.
The High-T Website synopsis
A blonde and beautiful woman arrives in a peaceful seaside town which has a magnificent lighthouse. And it’s not long before the lighthouse keeper is thrown out of his home by the woman. He calls on the help of Sally Simpkins and on her arrival she finds herself face to face with Tabatha Bag and T-Shirt who are up to their dirty tricks again.
TV Times listing
A young lady arrives in a peaceful seaside town which has a magnificent lighthouse. It's not long before the lighthouse keeper is thrown out of his home by the woman, so he calls on the help of Sally Simpkins who finds herself face to face with Tabatha Bag and T-Shirt.
Lookin listing

If you would like to contribute your favourite/funniest etc quotes from this episode please contact me.

The Pearls of Wisdom

Sally: Hiya.
Thomas: Hi Sal, how you doing?
Sally: Alright. Listen, do you fancy coming out somewhere, it's too nice to be stuck indoors.
Thomas: Oh, I can't, I promised to clear up some of this stuff for our sale tomorrow. You could give me a hand if you like.
Sally: Alright.
Thomas: Clear that lot off that table, will you?
(She picks up the old teapot from the last series).
Sally: I see no-one's bought this.
Thomas: No.
Sally: I'm not surprised. Right, next?
Thomas: Could you clear it all?
Sally: I have.
(Sally looks at the table and sees the board game is still there, Thomas leaves).
Sally: The Pearls of Wisdom.
(Sally moves it to the other table, looks round and it's reappeared on the table, she looks back and it isn't where she had just put it, she looks back and the board game is set up on the table, she walks back over and rolls the dice which land on 3 T's).
Captain Cockle (voice): Sally. Sally. Sally.

Added: 04/04/2016

Tabatha, that's it, Tabatha

Captain Cockle: Arrghh.
Sally: Arrhh.
Captain Cockle: Thank the stars you've come lass.
Sally: Huh?
Captain Cockle: Oh, you'll do, yes, you'll do nicely.
Sally: Eh?
Captain Cockle: Praise be, you've answered my S.O.S.
Sally: S.O.S?
Captain Cockle: Yes, oh, yes. Oh you'll do alright. Would you like a peppermint?
Sally: No thanks. Who are you?
Captain Cockle: Oh, it's a rum goal lass, when a old salt who's sailed the seven seas can't sleep sound in his hammock of a night. Know what I mean?
Sally: Not really.
Captain Cockle: The whole world's turned topsy-turvy.
Sally: Why, what's the matter?
Captain Cockle: Cockle, Captain Cockle, mighty pleased to make your acquaintance Sally.
Sally: How do you know my name?
Captain Cockle: Arrhh.
Sally: Where am I?
Captain Cockle: Well, in the village.
Sally: How did I? What did you? What's going on?
Captain Cockle: Oh sit yourself down Sally, let me tell you all about it. Ar, hey, ho, hey, ho.
Sally: Well?
Captain Cockle: Hmm.
Sally: You were going to tell me all about it.
Captain Cockle: Ooh, see that lighthouse yonder?
Sally: Yes, it's lovely, what about it?
Captain Cockle: My home.
Sally: Really? What a great place to live.
Captain Cockle: You're right, 'twas.
Sally: Was? What happened?
Captain Cockle: Ar well Sally, I'll tell you all about it. It all began last night, right here in the village. I'd come into town to buy myself a nice piece of hake for my supper. I love a piece of hake.
(Goes into a flashback scene as Captain Cockle continues to tell his story to Sally).
Captain Cockle (voice): Anyways, there I was making me way home. When I noticed a stranger looking as if her was lost. Well, being a gentleman I naturally enough steamed over and dropped anchor alongside her. Asked if I could be of any assistance.
Captain Cockle: Can I be of any assistance lady?
T-Bag: Oh, how kind of you. Yes I'm looking for somewhere to stay.
Captain Cockle: Oh dear, oh dear, you'd be lucky but there no hotels round here.
T-Bag: Oh my. What shall I do?
Captain Cockle: Don't you fret me dear, help is at hand.
T-Bag: Really?
Captain Cockle: Why don't you come rest your bones over at my place.
T-Bag: Oh I couldn't do that.
Captain Cockle: Oh, din't no trouble. I'd enjoy your company. That's my place over there in that old disused lighthouse. Tin't the Ritz exactly but any old port in a storm, eh. Huh, huh, do you like hake? I love it meself and I could fry us up a pan of chips and brew us up a lovely pot of tea. Come along my dearie-o, I won't take no for an answer.
Captain Cockle (voice): So off we traipsed back to me lighthouse. She seemed such a nice soul at first. Well after a nice cup of tea we sat and had a bit of a natter. Well I did most of the nattering I must confess but she seemed pretty interested.
Captain Cockle: Ha, ha and did I tell you about the time that I was shipwrecked and washed up on a desert island full of man-eating crocodiles.
T-Bag: Three times.
Captain Cockle: There I was fighting them off left, right and centre with nothing but my trusty old telescope. I've still got that round here if you'd care to see it at all.
T-Bag: Not really.
Captain Cockle: I thought you would, yes, it's in here in amongst all my other souvenirs. It's still got the teeth mark in it. Oh yes, something that will interest you.
T-Bag: I doubt it.
Captain Cockle: Yes, fascinating thing this. Very mysterious.
(Captain Cockle takes out a T-Plant from his chest. T-Bag goes into a trance, she drops the cup and it clatters on hitting the floor).
Captain Cockle (voice): Well the minute I showed her my weird old weed, she seemed hypnotised. Went into a trance. I couldn't get through to her. Well, naturally I got worried didn't I? Thought I'd best fetch a doctor. So I left her there and I went off into town. (Flashback scene ends). Well blow me when I got back to me lighthouse she wouldn't let me in. Locked me out of me own home. So here I am and here you find me. Homeless.
Sally: That's terrible.
Captain Cockle: Aye, you're right, 'tis, I don't understand any of this. Are you sure you wouldn't like a peppermint.
Sally: No thanks Captain. Captain, what kind of plant was it? You didn't say.
Captain Cockle: Didn't I? Oh, I do believe they call it t'uh, a T-Plant. Don't know why.
Sally: T-Plant! Oh no. What was the woman's name? Don't tell me, Tallulah?
Captain Cockle: No tweren't that.
Sally: You sure?
Captain Cockle: Sure I'm sure. No her said her name were Tabatha, that's it, Tabatha.
Sally: Tabatha? Tabatha, Tabatha, I don't understand. I don't understand this at all.

Added: 02/01/2020

She's my sister

T-Bag: Oh T-Plant, T-Plant, if only you could speak.
(sparks fly off the T-Plant and lightning strikes around Thomas in the curiosity shop).
T-Bag: Tell me your dark and hidden secret.
(again sparks fly off the T-Plant and in the curiosity shop).
T-Bag: Show me, show me the way, you lovely, evil weed.
(Thomas fades from the shop and appears in the lighthouse with T-Bag).
T-Shirt: T-Bag? What!
T-Bag: Oh, where did you spring from boy? What's your name?
T-Shirt: Uh, I'm T-Shirt.
T-Bag: Ohhh, that's a charming name.
T-Shirt: Who are you? Just a minute, that's a T-Plant.
T-Bag: You know about this plant?
T-Shirt: Do I, ha, I'm an expert.
T-Bag: Oh yes.
T-Shirt: Yeah, I spent years at the T-Caddy academy before I went to work for Tallula...
T-Bag: Tallulah Bag.
T-Shirt: You know T-Bag?
T-Bag: She's my sister.
T-Shirt: Her sister?
T-Bag: I'm Tabatha Bag, pleased to meet you. Now, about this plant. What's so special about it?
T-Shirt: Well, it's magic of course.
T-Bag: Ha, ha, magic!
T-Shirt: No, straight up, it is. You wouldn't believe what the tea from this plant could do.
T-Bag: Show me.
T-Shirt: Oh no, I couldn't do that, there was enough trouble when your sister got hold of it. She caused all sorts of bother.
T-Bag: I know, she disgraced the whole Bag family.
T-Shirt: The things she did, they were evil.
T-Bag: Ohh, evil. If only there was some way I could put right all my wicked sister's wrongs.
T-Shirt: Huh, that'd take a bit of doing.
T-Bag: But alas, I don't have the power. So what can I do?
T-Shirt: Not a lot I suppose.
T-Bag: But if I had a little magic.
T-Shirt: Oh no, nope, no, no way.
T-Bag: Ohhh, but I'm not like my sister, I'm good.
T-Shirt: Yeah, but, I mean...
T-Bag: Oh, please, I'm good.
T-Shirt: Well, erm...
T-Bag: Just think, we could do it together, we could spread a little happiness all over the world.
T-Shirt: You reckon?
T-Bag: Oh yes, come on, what do you say?
T-Shirt: Well it would be nice to be a goodie for a change. Alright, you're on.

Added: 04/04/2013

I am the all powerful High-T

T-Bag: Oh, this is phenomenal, tremendous, I can feel the power surging through every vein in my body. I am the all powerful High-T.
T-Shirt: Now where I have I heard that before?
T-Bag: You boy, brew me up another cup of that blissful beverage, I want more.
T-Shirt: You must be joking.
T-Bag: You'll do as I say boy.
T-Shirt: I thought you said we were going to do good.
T-Bag: Ohhh, and you believed me.
T-Shirt: No way, I'm having nothing to do with this, I'm off.
T-Bag: Stop! (T-Bag uses her magic and T-Shirt stops still) Urh, did I do that?
T-Shirt: Yes, your Majesty, you thought it, you did it.
T-Bag: Uh, you mean to tell me, I can have everything and anything I want just by doing that. (T-Bag uses her magic).
T-Shirt: Anything.
T-Bag: Ohhh, it gets better by the minute. Ooh, in that case, I want you in my power forever and ever more, pandering to my every whim. (T-Bag uses her magic to put T-Shirt under her power).
T-Shirt: Right then, what was it you wanted? Another cup of tea, coming right up.
T-Bag: Ooohh, it works, it works, it really works. Ooh, I love it, I love it. Right, think it, do it, think it, do it, Now, what do I want, what do I want? I want some nice cake.
(A snake appears on the table, T-Bag screams).
T-Shirt: Cake, not snake!
T-Bag: Ooh, you stupid boy, look what you made me do.
T-Shirt: Just think it away.
T-Bag: Oh, think it away, yes, yes, think it away, think it away. Right, right, it's going, it's going, it's going, it's gone. (T-Bag uses her magic and T-Shirt disappears) Ohhhhhh. Ooouhhh.

Added: 02/01/2020

The other T-Bag

(Lightning and thunder rage around the harbour).
Captain Cockle: I, I, there's a storm brewing and here am I all at sea without a roof over me head. Thank you for nothing Tabatha Bag.
Sally: What did you say?
Captain Cockle: I said there's a storm brewing.
Sally: Tabatha Bag. Bag. T-Bag.
Captain Cockle: What? Hey, what are you on about?
Sally: Don't you get it? Tabatha must be a relative of Tallulah.
Captain Cockle: Tallulah who?
Sally: Tallulah Bag, T-Bag. The other T-Bag.
Captain Cockle: Nope, you've lost me.
Sally: This is awful.
Captain Cockle: What? What?
Sally: Sit yourself down Captain and I'll tell you all about it.

Added: 06/06/2015

You'll find out soon enough

Captain Cockle: What are we gonna do, what are we going to do? Tell me quick, what are we gonna do?
Sally: I haven't the faintest idea, if this new T-Bag's got half the power of the last one the world's her oyster.
Captain Cockle: Oyster, oyster. Yes of course.
(T-Bag appears)
Sally & Captain Cockle: Arrgghhh.
Captain Cockle: You, Tabatha Bag, I've got a bone to pick with you.
T-Bag: Oh, if it isn't the crashing old bore of the century, how's the open air suiting you?
Captain Cockle: You monstrous woman, you.
T-Bag: And you, who might you be?
Sally: You'll find out soon enough.
T-Bag: Oh, mysterious eh?
Captain Cockle: See here, I want my home back.
T-Bag: Oh tough luck, I've taken a shining to it, it suits my needs perfectly.
Captain Cockle: But, but, but, but.
T-Bag: I have plans.
Sally: What plans?
T-Bag: You'll find out soon enough.
Captain Cockle: Well if I can't have me home back, what about my bits and bobs, they're me souvenirs, them all I've got.
T-Bag: Oh, dreary bits of junk, you're welcome to them
(T-Bag clicks her fingers and the Captain's chest and souvenirs appear beside the baker shop).
Sally: Er, Tabatha.
T-Bag: Your Majesty to you.
Sally: Does the name Tallulah ring any bells? Tallulah Bag?
T-Bag: She was my sister, so what?
Sally: Well she had a habit of bossing people about, spreading misery and we all know what happened to her don't we.
T-Bag: My sister was an idiot, a buffoon, me I'm smart. Nobody, nobody tangles with Tabatha Bag and survives to tell the tale. Where my sister failed I shall succeed, the world is within my grasp. I will be all-powerful, invincible, and nobody, nobody, will get in my way. Nice cake... mmm.
(T-Bag disappears)
Sally: She means it you know.
Captain Cockle: No doubt she does.
Sally: Well, you don't sound very worried. Why not?
Captain Cockle: You'll find out soon enough.

Added: 04/04/2013

The saucer trick

T-Bag: Yes, yes, I like it here, it has potential, ohhh, plus a sea view. Plus a few little tweaks. (T-Bag uses her magic to transformed the lighthouse into her T-Room) Mmm, veritably home from home. Right now, what next?
T-Shirt: Next, the saucer trick.
T-Bag: The saucer trick?
T-Shirt: Oh, you'll like this, not a lot but you'll like it.

Added: 02/01/2020

If you think my sister was bad

T-Bag: Hurhh, pearls of wisdom be blowed. Look, there's that brat faced girl traipsing all over the place to collect all those pearls up again.
T-Shirt: Why don't we get them first?
T-Bag: Ohhh, because I don't know where the blasted things are, do I? They're scattered all over the place. Well Miss Pee Pee Perfect Pants, if you think you're in for an easy time of it, huh, think again. This time you’re dealing with Tabatha Bag and if you think my sister was bad, oh, just you wait!

Added: 04/04/2015

"Dicey Disaster"
The dice are not standard dice are different to each other as the opposite side numbers should add up to 7 (i.e. 1&6, 2&5, 3&4) but the 'T' is labelled in a different orientation to the other 'T' dice.

"Who's Not Done Their Homework?"
There is a continuity issue in T-Shirt's education. In the first few Tallulah Bag series, reference is often made to T-Shirt doing magic homework, and, during the first series, T-Bag asks him, "How do you expect to grow up to be a good T-Caddy". In this series, however, T-Shirt says, "I spent years at the T-Caddy academy before going to work for Tallulah Bag". This implies that he should have finished his schooling before he joined Tallulah.

"The first missing pearl?"
The voiceover at the end of the episode says 'In the next episode Sally travels west to find the next missing pearl', but should have stated '...to find the first missing pearl' to be grammatically correct.

For more mistakes from other episodes, please see the Nitpicker's Guide

  • Ivan Beavis, who played Captain Cockle, sadly passed away on 24th December 1997, aged 71.
  • The font used for the logo of the Pearls of Wisdom board game is 'Cymbeline'.
  • When T-Shirt shows T-Bag the saucer trick, he says 'You'll like this, not a lot but you'll like it', this was taken from the catchphrase used by the magician Paul Daniels.
  • This is the first full-series episode of T-Bag to have it's copyright year not to be shown in Roman numerals.
  • The cup and saucer used by T-Bag in this series seems to be Masons Mandalay.