T. Bag's Christmas Turkey

T-Bag takes T-Shirt to Bag Towers, where her mum lives, for the Christmas season. When they arrive they find out Mumsie Bag is going away, which T-Bag already knew, T-Bag uses this opportunity to turn the land into a Christmas Free Zone. When Mumsie Bag returns early she finds all her decorations gone and Christmas no where to be seen she finds out that she has to entertain Good King Wenceslas for dinner and entertainment.
The High-T Website synopsis

When T-Bag (Georgina Hale) arrives at her mother's (Peggy Mount) castle for Christmas, her mother goes ski-ing. T-Bag then declares the area a Christmas-free zone, and gets rid of all the decorations.
Radio Times listing

T-Bag arrives at her mother's castle and declares a Christmas-free zone.
TV Times listing

'Mumsy', Peggy Mount, discovers wicked witch T-Bag (Georgina Hale) being nasty to an old beggar man.
TV Times 'Don't Miss' preview

Your Mother

T-Bag: Oh, the place hasn't changed a bit. Depressing as ever.
T-Shirt: Looks great to me.
T-Bag: Yes, well you didn't have to spend the first four hundred years of your life here, did you?
T-Shirt: I can't wait to meet your mother. Is she anything like you? Or isn't she into biting the heads off live chickens?
T-Bag: My mother's nothing like me.
T-Shirt: Things are looking up.
T-Bag: Leaving home was the best move I ever made.
T-Shirt: Anybody would think you didn't like living with your mother.
T-Bag: I felt like Pinocchio trapped in a lift with a wood pecker. Peck, peck, peck. Oh come on Mumsy, we’re getting frostbite out here.
Mumsie Bag: Tabatha darling, oh you’re still wearing that old thing are you? Better get inside before the neighbours see you.
T-Bag: See what I mean, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck…
Mumsie Bag: And don’t tramp snow all over my beautiful stimulated tiger skin rug. Oh Tabatha didn’t tell me she found herself a new toy boy; oh very cute, nice rosy cheeks.

A proper happy Christmas

Mumsie Bag: Ooh, ooh she's a terrible girl, terrible. Never writes, never comes for a visit.
T-Bag: Ohhh do stop wittering Mumsie, I'm here now aren't I?
Mumsie Bag: Oh yes now, now she's here, now when I have to go away for three weeks.
T-Shirt: You're going away?
T-Bag: Right, don't let us keep you Mumsie, remember you've got to check in two hours before your broomstick takes off (laughs).
Mumsie Bag: Oh do you hear the way she talks to her own mother? Well...
T-Bag: Hurrrh.
Mumsie Bag: ... you may think you're a big shot but you're not. Don't forget I'm the mug who had to change your nappies.
T-Bag: Mumsie, remember, every mother has to do that.
Mumsie Bag: Yes, but not for thirty two years. Oh, cooking, washing, scrubbing, cleaning, I worked my servants to the bone for you. And do you care? No you do not care because you're a self-satisfied, stuck-up, precocious little madam and I wash my hands of you.
T-Bag: Ooooh.
Mumsie Bag: Ohhh!
(Mumsie leaves the room).
T-Bag: Oh what are you grinning at?
T-Shirt: Well, well, well, who would have thought it? The great Tabatha Bag scared of her little ol' Mumsie.
T-Bag: Oh shut up you idiot. Ohhhh.
T-Shirt: And what's all this stuff about her going away?
T-Bag: Oh did I forget to tell you, the old bat's going on a skiing holiday, we'll have the place to ourselves.
(Mumsie comes back in with her skis).
Mumsie Bag: Right, offski. You'll keep an eye on her for me won't you?
T-Shirt: Yes Mrs Bag.
Mumsie Bag: And remember when I get back I want to find my home exactly as I left it.
T-Bag: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, oh yes.
Mumsie Bag: Well I'll drop you a postcard from the Matterhorn.
T-Bag: Hm, hm, hm, hmmm. Better still, drop yourself from the Matterhorn, ha.
Mumsie Bag: What was that?
T-Bag: Uh, oh, oh, nothing Mumsie, nothing. Go and have yourself a wonderful holiday.
Mumsie Bag: Ah well, Merry Christmas for tomorrow then.
T-Shirt: Thanks Mrs B, you too.
Mumsie Bag: Bye.
(Mumsie leaves).
T-Shirt: Nice place your Mum's got. For once we're going to have a proper Christmas. Do you want to pull a cracker?
T-Bag: Oh don't be so stupid, idiot. Huh, you don't deserve a proper happy Christmas.
(T-Bag uses her magic and all the food, the Christmas tree and the decorations disappear).
T-Shirt: What?
T-Bag: What, oh not so chirpy now Mr Grin-a-lot, no Tele, no food, no nothing.
T-Shirt: But...
T-Bag: But you had it coming, well now it's here, three blissful weeks without the merest jingle of a bell, the cracking of a nut or the stench of a Brussel sprout, ecstasy, I hereby declare this place a Christmas-free zone.

Updated: 04/04/2015

Young and naive

Marguerita Peperoni: Buonasera.
T-Shirt: Uh?
Marguerita Peperoni: Good evening.
T-Shirt: What's so good about it?
Marguerita Peperoni: Ah cheer up, it might never happen.
T-Shirt: Too late, it already has.
Marguerita Peperoni: Nothing can be that bad.
T-Shirt: I was like you once, young and naive.
Marguerita Peperoni: Oh, what's the matter? Come inside and tell Marguerita all about it. Papa, set an extra place we have company.

Added: 08/12/2012

The smallest, greatest show on Earth

Marguerita Peperoni: Papa, we have a guest.
Pepe Peperoni: Ah! Welcome, welcome. (He shakes T. Shirt's hand). Mamma mia, your tiny hand is frozen. (He sings) Let me warm it into life! Ha! Sit-a, sit-a. You hungry? Course he's hungry, get the boy a hot mince pie.
T-Shirt: All these decorations.
Pepe Peperoni: Cream?
T-Shirt: Erm, you wanna watch out you know.
Pepe Peperoni: Brandy butter? Marguerita, get the boy a paper hat, velocemente.
T-Shirt: Oh, eh, oh, this is very kind, but, oh...
(Marguerita puts a paper hat on T. Shirts head).
Marguerita Peperoni: This is my papa, Pepe Peperoni.
Pepe Peperoni: That's easy for you to say (laughs).
Marguerita Peperoni: We are the flying Pepperoni.
Pepe Peperoni: The smallest, greatest show on Earth.
Marguerita Peperoni: With the littlest big top in town.
T-Shirt: You're a circus.
Pepe Peperoni: Ah, his brain is beginning to thaw out.
T-Shirt: Oh bu... but what are you doing here?
Pepe Peperoni: (laughs) Mamma mia, we are here because it's a Christmas.
(He sings) We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas...
T-Shirt: Shhhhhsh. Shhhhhsh.
Pepe Peperoni: We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy...
(T-Shirt stuffs a mince pie into Pepe's mouth to stop him singing).

Added: 26/12/2021

Seasonal Cheer

Old King Wenceslas (disguised as a beggar): Show a bit of seasonal cheer lady.
T-Bag: Oh, bug off, you little rat faced ferret, before I rip out your tongue and whip you black and blue with it.
Old King Wenceslas: I take that as a no then?
T-Bag: Bug off!

What in the name of trifle pudding are you doing here?

T-Shirt: Well I'm telling you, if you're planning to put on a circus round here you're barking mad.
Pepe Peperoni: Oh but a bambino everybody love the circus.
T-Shirt: Not everybody.
Pepe Peperoni: You show me one person who doesn't like the circus and I'll...
(T-Bag walks in).
T-Bag: Sooooooooo.
Pepe Peperoni: Molti stromboli!
T-Bag: What in the name of trifle pudding are you doing here?
T-Shirt: Er, I know what it looks like but I wasn't enjoying a single mouthful, they forced me to eat it.
Pepe Peperoni: Oh.
T-Bag: You lying hound.
T-Shirt: Ooh.
T-Bag: I'll make you suffer for this and as for you pair...
(T-Bag makes the paper chains disappear and takes the pudding from T-Shirt).

Added: 26/12/2021

The icing on the cake

T-Shirt: Merry Christmas T-Bag. Thanks for nothing.
Mumsie Bag: You will never guess, you will never, never guess who's coming.
T-Shirt: Mrs Bag.
Mumsie Bag: Good King Wenceslas is coming here for his Christmas dinner, oh the honour. The neighbours will be greener than a field full of sea-sick cabbages.
T-Shirt: Oh, don't tell me, you did your foot in skiing.
Mumsie Bag: Oh no, I didn't get that far. I fractured my foot kicking a St. Bernard. Ooh, I detest dogs but it was worth it, for today is the day that royalty will be visiting Bag Towers and... My decorations, my beautiful decorations, my tree, my bells, my baubles, where are they?
T-Shirt: Ask your daughter.
Mumsie Bag: Oooh. Tabatha!
(T-Bag walks in).
T-Bag: Did someone call me?
Mumsie Bag: Tabatha!
T-Bag: Oooooooeerhhh, Mumsie.
Mumsie Bag: So this is what you get up to the moment my back is turned. What do you think you're playing at girl?
T-Shirt: She's declared this place a Christmas-free zone.
T-Bag: Oh shut up big mouth.
Mumsie Bag: A Christmas-free zone. Is this true?
T-Bag: Oh no way. As if I would. Absolutely not.
Mumsie Bag: Tabatha!
T-Bag: Oooouughhh. Yes Mumsie, it's true.
Mumsie Bag: Ooh, ooh misery if the King gets to hear of this. He loves Christmas, he adores Christmas, he's a Christmas nut. Tabatha, I want it all back as it was now!
T-Bag: Ooooooooooohhhhhhhh.
(T-Bag uses her magic and all the Christmas decorations reappear).
T-Shirt: Hey, you know what would really be the icing on the cake?
T-Bag: Oh button it Shirty.
T-Shirt: A circus, uh, I bet King Wenceslas would love a circus.
Mumsie Bag: Oh incontrovertibly, but where would I lay my hands on a circus?

Added: 26/12/2015

The performance to end all performances

Pepe Peperoni: If only dear old Poco was still with us.
Marguerita Peperoni: Si, si, papa. He was the best clown in the business.
Pepe Peperoni: Unfortunately, he was also the worst fire-eater.
T-Bag: I'll soon put a stop to this little caper and this will put Mumsie's nose out of joint once and for all.
(T-Bag uses her magic and appears dressed up as a clown and joins Pepe and Marguerita).
T-Bag: Buongiorno, buongiorno, morning all.
Pepe Peperoni: Hi.
T-Bag: A little dickie bird tell me you're a smidgen lacking on the red nosey ol' department.
Pepe Peperoni: Huh?
T-Bag: Look no further, Bango the clown, come to join your circus.
(Pepe shakes Bango's hand but it comes off and they laugh).
Pepe Peperoni: Oh that's a funny.
T-Bag: Of course it's funny because I'm funny. Have a Malteser.
(T-Bag throws a can at Marguerita who opens it and streamers suddenly fly out and they laugh).
Pepe Peperoni: Hey, hey, ha, ha. Bango, I like your style, sophisticated comedy is my kind of thing.
T-Bag: Then I'm in?
Pepe Peperoni: You're in.
T-Bag: Ha, ha.
(The flower on Bango's lapel squirts water at Pepe and he laughs).
Pepe Peperoni: Subtle, very subtle (laughs again).
Pepe Peperoni: This will be the performance to end all performances.
T-Bag: Si si (T-Bag throws a cream pie in Pepe's face, T-Bag laughs).

Added: 26/12/2021

Trying to wreck the show

T-Shirt: I thought so.
T-Bag: What? What?
T-Shirt: It's you isn't it? What do you think you're doing?
T-Bag: Oh mind your own business, bug off, hop it.
T-Shirt: You're trying to wreck the show aren't you?
T-Bag: I'll wreck more than his stupid show. I'm going to make his big finish go like a big bomb, arh.

Added: 04/04/2024

Paper chains and tinsel

King Wenceslas: Bravo.
Mumsie Bag: Oh, well what do you reckon? This is the best yuletide bash you's ever clapped eyes on or what? Ooh, I bet you're dead-impressed, eh.
King Wenceslas: Yes, yes, excellent. Splendid show.
Mumsie Bag: There you are, you see, I am the flavour of the month.
King Wenceslas: I'm a bit of a performer myself.
Mumsie Bag: Are you really, how deeply interesting, I bet you're good.
King Wenceslas: Yes I must be, I mean, after all, I had you fooled didn't I?
Mumsie Bag: Absolutely, no question about that. Oh!
King Wenceslas: Oh indeed Mrs Bag. Paper chains and tinsel do not a Christmas make.
Mumsie Bag: Well I...
King Wenceslas: Peace and goodwill to all, even old beggars. That's what it's about. Guards! Let's give this misguided woman a taste of her own medicine.
Mumsie Bag: No, no, you've got it all wrong, I love old beggars. You'll often see me going for a tramp in the woods.
King Wenceslas: I know, I've got the bumps to prove it.

Added: 08/12/2012

Shall We?

Mumsie Bag: Oh.
T-Bag: I know, don't say it, it's all my fault.
Mumsie Bag: No, I'm the one to blame, I'm the one who gave birth to you.
T-Bag: Well if you weren't such a toffee-nosed, stuck-up old goat none of this would've happened.
Mumsie Bag: Name calling, that's all you're fit for, you jumped up vinegar faced little whippet, hmm.
T-Bag: Don't let's fight Mumsie, uh, I promise, I promise to enjoy whatever's left of Christmas.
Mumsie Bag: Will you dear?
T-Bag: Oh, indubitably.
Mumsie Bag: Huh.
(T-Bag uses her magic and a giant Christmas cracker appears).
T-Bag: Shall we?
Mumsie Bag: Why not? I could do with a good laugh.
(They pull the giant Christmas cracker, it explodes with a bang and showers them both in snow).

Updated: 26/12/2021