T. Bag And The Pearls Of Wisdom Episode 4: Grimble and Squiffy

Lord Squiffington-Fop goes to Grimble’s Dress Shop wanting pearl buttons for a masked ball. When Sally arrives at the dress shop Grimble steals her pearls for Lord Squiffington-Fop’s jacket and when Sally and T-Bag try to get the pearls he has already sold them to Squiffy!
The High-T Website synopsis

In the next episode Sally is the belle of the ball. Will T-Bag turn up and spoil the party? Find out in T. Bag and the Pearls of Wisdom.
Next week preview (from previous episode)

Today Sally is the belle of the ball. Will T-Bag turn up and spoil the party? Find out now.
Stay tuned preview (from start of episode)

Without A Button To My Name

Grimble: Oh dear, dear, dear, dear, what a life, I don't know. Three weeks and not one customer, oh dear, oh dear, dear, dear, dear, dear. Dearie me, oh.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Shop.
Grimble: Ohhh. Come in, come in, come right in. Mind the cat.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Ooh, odd bodkins, and you are?
Grimble: My card your honourable sirness for you to have a perusal at.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Eurrhhhhh. Grumble's Drelg shlop.
Grimble: Er, Grimble's Dress Shop that should be Sir, my spelling ain't so hot I'm afraid. It's like my old mother used to say, Ugly she'd say.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Your name's Ugly?
Grimble: Yes Sir but that's another story. Ugly she'd say, it ain't the way you spell 'em, it's the way you tell 'em
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Oh yes, yes indeed.
Grimble: What can I do for you then your remnant's?
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Well as a matter of fact I was hoping that you might be able to rescue me from a quandering.
Grimble: Oh, sorry Sir, I've never done no mountaineering before. It's like my old mother used to say...
Lord Squiffington-Fop: No, no, you misunderstand my meaning my good man, I'm talking about me wardrobe.
Grimble: We don't do carpentry here me lord, you want next door.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: I'm obviously not making myself clear am I? This is a clothes shop, is it not?
Grimble: It is.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: And you do make clothes do you not?
Grimble: We do.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Then we are getting somewhere, look at this.
(He shows Grimble the pearl).
Grimble: Oh no thank you Sir, I never eat pickled onions, bad for the old tum. It's like my old mother used to say.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, This is not a perishing pickled onion you poltroon, this is a precious pearl.
Grimble: Is it?
Lord Squiffington-Fop: I'm sorry, it is just that I have been in every clothes shop in the town and nobody can help me.
Grimble: Oh dear
Lord Squiffington-Fop: You are my last hope.
Grimble: Oh.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: You see, everybody but everybody is wearing pearl buttons this season. It's the in thing you know.
Grimble: Is it? Oh yes you're right. Ha, ha, yes very in they are. Everyone's wearing them.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Everyone except me. Me Lord Squiffington Fop, a dedicated follower of fashion if ever there was one, without a button to my name. Alas I am undone.
Grimble: How do you mean governor?
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Well you see, I am giving a grand masked ball this evening. Everyone but everyone will be there dripping with pearl buttons and I shall be like an old fashioned buffoon. Odds, me life, I shall have to call the whole thing off.
Grimble: Euurgh, hang about me lord.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Uh?
Grimble: I might be able to fix you up.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: You might?
Grimble: Er, what you're saying is, you need more of these little pearls.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: You have some?
Grimble: No.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Oh pip.
Grimble: But I could get some.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: You could?
Grimble: Mind you, it'll cost you.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Hang the cost, here. If you can find a set of buttons like this, you shall be a rich man before the day is out.
Grimble: Cor.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Splendid fellow, I shall be back within the hour.
Grimble: Great, huh-huh, mind the cat.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Odds bodkins.
Grimble: Great. Great.

Updated: 04/04/2015

A Brain Transplant

T-Bag: Dare I ask what this is in aid of?
T-Shirt: It's my fleas.
T-Bag: You what?
T-Shirt: My pet fleas, I've been collecting them all week. Do you want to have a look?
T-Bag: No I don't.
T-Shirt: I'm going to start up a flea circus.
T-Bag: A flea circus?
T-Shirt: Should be good eh?
T-Bag: Oh, have you ever considered having a brain transplant?
T-Shirt: I wouldn't mind so long as I don't end up getting yours.
T-Bag: Oh you saucy brat. How is this rubbish going to help us find the next pearl?
T-Shirt: It isn't.
T-Bag: Exactly, so brew me up a cuppa tea and make it quick. We've got to find out where that girl's going and get there first.

Added: 04/04/2019

Sold them!

Sally: You stole my pearls didn't you? I know you did, don't try and deny it.
Grimble: Who's denying it?
Sally: Right, well give them back.
Grimble: I can't. I've sold them.
Sally: Sold them!
Grimble: Sold them, they're now the property of his Lordship Squiffington-Fop.
Sally: Oh, where does he live?
Grimble: Wouldn't you like to know (blows raspberry).
Sally: Ouurgghhh! (Slams table).

Added: 04/04/2020

Mind The Cat

T-Bag: Right, and I'm going with you.
Grimble: You're what?
T-Bag: You heard me and when we get there you'd better get me those pearls or else.
(T-Bag steps on the cat which yelps).
Grimble: Mind the cat.

It's like a palace

Grimble: Streuth, what a lovely house. I've never seen nothing like it in my whole life, it's like a palace.
Lord Squiffington-Fop: It is a palace.
Grimble: If my old mother could see me now.
T-Bag: We're not here to talk about idle chit-chat. Where are those pearls?

Added: 09/05/2011

Doesn't anyone know any of the latest dance steps?

T-Bag: Ohhhh!
T-Shirt: Oh... oh.
T-Bag: You, what are you doing here?
T-Shirt: I'm trying to help you.
T-Bag: Hurhhh.
T-Shirt: I found out where the pearls are.
T-Bag: Where are they?
T-Shirt: In the box, on the table.
T-Bag: Right, leave this to me. You go home.
T-Shirt: But.
T-Bag: But, don't buts buts buts buts me, no buts my boy. Go! (T-Shirt disappears and then Sally rushes in) Ohhhhhhhh!
Sally: T-Bag!
T-Bag: Simpkins! Oh! I know something you don't know. I know where the pearls are.
Sally: I don't believe you.
T-Bag: Oh don't you?
Sally: No I don't.
T-Bag: Well just you look at this, the pearls are in here. Hurrrgghhhh, ohhhhh, hurrghh! It's those fleas again. T-Shirt!
(Lord Squiffington-Fop walks in).
Lord Squiffington-Fop: Come along everybody, don't just stand there. Doesn't anyone know any of the latest dance steps?
(Music begins to play and T-Bag, agitated by the fleas, begins to dance awkwardly).
T-Bag: Uh... Uh... uh. Oh, oh, T-Shirt, ohhh, I'm gonna wring your neck.

Added: 04/04/2024