Take Off With T. Bag Episode 4: Curse Of The Mummy

The saucer lands in Egypt where some archaeologists are searching for a tomb. T-Bag and T-Shirt pretend to be Kit Bag and Sir Paisley Shirt to try to deter them from the tomb. While waiting for the morning so they can all search inside the tomb some tricks are played on them and they blame each other.
The High-T Website synopsis

Half way up the river Nile

Claude deTerre: No, no, no, no.
Gunther Kashbag: But Professor.
Claude deTerre: No. No more but Professor. You have been but Professoring in my oreille for seventeen tedious years and I can not stand it any longer.
Gunther Kashbag: But Professor.
Claude deTerre: Hhnnnnnnn.
Gunther Kashbag: Look, see, see. I have guided you to the very spot of the lost tomb of Tutankharamsesenabukenezar.
Claude deTerre: You have guided me to the very spot as you so erroneously put it precisely four hundred and seventy three times.
Gunther Kashbag: Wh...
Claude deTerre: I have dug four hundred and seventy three gigantic holes in four hundred and seventy three different places. The score so far, tombs nil, blisters thirty nine million. I am beginning to suspect my dear Gunther that you are not quite the expert on Egyptology you say you are.
Gunther Kashbag: Professor you cut me to the very quick.
Claude deTerre: Indeed I will go further, you have been lying to me all these years. If you were Pinocchio your nose would be half way up the river Nile by now.
Gunther Kashbag: But Professor, why would I lie?
Claude deTerre: Because you want to bleed me dry of all my money. For seventeen years I have been paying you forty francs a week and for what? You are as phoney as a smile on a dentist monsieur.
Gunther Kashbag: Monsieur, I have a BA, MA and PhD.
Claude deTerre: What you don't have any longer is a J.O.B.
Gunther Kashbag: J.O.B?
Claude deTerre: Job you idiot. Gunther Kashbag you are fired.
Gunther Kashbag: Fired?
Claude deTerre: I do not want to see your face as long as I live (he notices the hieroglyphics on the pyramid). Sacré bleu, regard du voilà.
Gunther Kashbag: See, see, I told you this was the place Professor.
Claude deTerre: Ah, these hieroglyphics are astonishing (Gunther drops a hammer and chisel on the ground). So well preserved. Ah they look, they look as if they were carved only yesterday. Ah Gunther, ha, ha, ha. Oh I take everything back, congratulations.
Gunther Kashbag: Thank you.
Claude deTerre: Ah-ah-ah.
Gunther Kashbag: Ah.

Added: 04/04/2024

Belt up your Majesty

Tow-Ling: Look your Majesty, the pyramids.
T-Shirt: It's amazing isn't it? The desert's so huge.
T-Bag: And that's only the top of it. Come on, come on, get us down there, get my birthday surprise.
Tow-Ling: Belt up your Majesty.
T-Bag: Whaaaat?
Tow-Ling: Seat belt, for landing.
T-Bag: That cousin of yours is getting sorely on my wick.
T-Shirt: Give him a chance, I'm sure you'll warm to him.
T-Bag: I wouldn't warm to him if we were cremated together. Now listen here sonny Jim, just you get us down there, right? Ohhhhh.

Added: 04/04/2019

My First Egyptian Joke

Tow-Ling: I’ve just made up my first Egyptian joke.
T-Shirt: Well let’s hear it then.
Tow-Ling: My Pyramid’s got no nose.
T-Shirt: How does it smell?
Tow-Ling: It Sphinx!

Lady Kit Bag? Sir Paisley Shirt?

(T-Bag and T-Shirt are disguised as Kit Bag and Sir Paisley Shirt).
T-Shirt: Get it?
T-Bag: Got it.
T-Shirt: Good.
T-Bag: Hello there , fellow, me lad, ha, ha, hold fire.
Claude deTerre: Who in the world?
Gunther Kashbag: Who are you?
T-Bag: Oh, who are we? (Laughs) Oh what an uneducated clot, Sir Paisley, right?
T-Shirt: Right Kit right, absolutely.
Claude deTerre: Did I hear you say Kit? Sir Paisley?
T-Bag: Oh hello, hello, I do declare here an inkling, oh.
Claude deTerre: Lady Kit Bag? Sir Paisley Shirt? The celebrated English explorers?
T-Shirt: The same old bean in the flesh.
Claude deTerre: I am honoured.
T-Bag: I should bally well hope so.
Claude deTerre: My name is deTerre, Claude deTerre, Professor Claude deTerre, Egyptology department, university de Paris.
T-Bag: My, my, my, what a long name.
Gunther Kashbag: You better remember to call him Professor.
T-Bag: Ew, and you are?
T-Shirt: Asking for a bally shiner if you ask me.
Claude deTerre: My guide and confidant Gunther Kashbag.
T-Bag: Bag?
Claude deTerre: Ah, yes! He must be a distant relation of yours Lady Bag.
T-Bag: Not distant enough in my opinion.
Claude deTerre: So, what brings you to this godforsaken part of the globe, uh, my dear colleagues?
T-Shirt: Same as you Monsieur deTerre.
Gunther Kashbag: You mean you too are hunting for the lost tomb of Tutankharamsesenabukenezar.
T-Shirt: You took the words right out of my encyclopedia old man.
T-Bag: Indubitably, but you see you are digging entirely in the wrong place.
Gunther Kashbag: What?
Claude deTerre: Pardon?
Gunther Kashbag: I said what.
Claude deTerre: Not you, you idiot.
T-Shirt: You're miles out. Everyone who knows anything about something knows that the lost tomb of er...
Gunther Kashbag: Tutankharamsesenabukenezar.
T-Shirt: Thank you, lies way, way, way, way, way over that way.
Gunther Kashbag: Young Sir, you have two hats, the one on your head and the one that you speak though. The hieroglyphs tell us the tomb lies here beneath our feet.
T-Bag: Oh poppydash and baldercock, we are giving you sound advice.
Gunther Kashbag: Ninety-nine percent sound, one percent advice. Professor, I know what's afoot here. These English docs are trying to oust you so they can lay claim to discovering the tomb for themselves.
Claude deTerre: You slimy toads. In the name of the belle France, I claim that I was here first, I claim this site for my country. I have been boaring all over Egypt for years.
T-Bag: Yes and you're still boring.
Gunther Kashbag: Off with you, you English rats, off with you.
Claude deTerre: You will never deter deTerre, never!
T-Shirt: Sir, we offered you the hand of friendship, and you spat upon it. May your water bags evaporate.
T-Bag: Here, here, Sir P. We shall unearth the tomb for ourselves, in the name of the Queen.
Claude deTerre: The President.
T-Bag: The Queen.
Claude deTerre: The President.
T-Bag: The Queen.
Claude deTerre: The President.
T-Bag: The Queen.
Claude deTerre: La President.
T-Bag: The Queen.
Claude deTerre: La President. Barber my friend, you have earnt your keep today.

Added: 04/04/2014

A long night

T-Bag: Oh that big mouth, stuck-up, thimble twit.
Tow-Ling: No luck then?
T-Shirt: It looks as if two other blokes are gonna get to the birthday surprise first.
T-Bag: Over your dead body.
T-Shirt: So what's the plan then?
T-Bag: Have no fear shipmate, I'll think of something, even if it takes me all night.
T-Shirt: We better get the sleeping bags out, we're in for a long night.

Added: 04/04/2015

The happiest minute of my life

Claude deTerre: Ah.
T-Bag: Get up you French farce.
Claude deTerre: What?
T-Bag: What? Don't you what, what, what me Mister.
Gunther Kashbag: You, ah. For a minute I didn't recognise you, it was the happiest minute of my life.
T-Bag: Right T-Shirt, get me that axe. I'm going to give you a parting in your hair buster which you may never need to comb.
Claude deTerre: How dare you?
T-Shirt: I hope you...
(They all argue and talk at the same time, Tow-Ling walks in playing the flute).
T-Bag: Did I or did I not tell you to stay back there?
Tow-Ling: I'm not doing anything wrong.
T-Bag: Give me that thing (Take takes the flute and throws it away). Get back there, move it. And if you think...
(They all continue to argue as Tow-Ling walks off and finds the entrance to the tomb).

Added: 04/04/2024

Wondrous things

Claude deTerre: I have seen wondrous things.
T-Shirt: The Shirt is well spellbound.
Tow-Ling: Incredible isn't it?
T-Bag: Incredible.
Gunther Kashbag: I am rich, richer than in all my wildest imagination. Rich, richer, richest in all the world.
Claude deTerre: Gunther, pull yourself together man, we are not grave robbers, we are scientists.
Gunther Kashbag: We could be scientists who are grave robbers in their spare time couldn't we?
T-Bag: Oh pull yourself together man, listen to your boss. This wonderful treasure is simply not yours to take.
Claude deTerre: Well said Madam.
T-Bag: The reason being, it's mine!
Tow-Ling: No your Majesty, what about the ancient curse?
Gunther Kashbag: Curse? Curse? What are you babbling about boy?
Tow-Ling: The ancient Egyptians always put a curse upon anyone stealing what wasn't theirs.
Gunther Kashbag: Drivel, garbage, tripe and gobbledegook. I will be the richest man in the whole wide world. I will never need to coût out to you again, that's for sure.
Claude deTerre: Kashbag, I order you to put those things back.
Gunther Kashbag: Are you mad? You can't order me about any more. This fabulous (he pulls out his gun), mind-blowing hoard belongs to me and to nobody else. So think about me, sitting round my swimming pool filled with champagne with a thousand servants waiting on me hand and foot. (The Mummy begins to approach as Gunther's back is turned). Caviar at every meal of every day.
Claude deTerre: Gunther, behind you!
Gunther Kashbag: Professor, don't insult my intelligence any more. Adieu everyone, adieu.
(Gunther sees the Mummy as he turns round, the Mummy roars).
Gunther Kashbag: Arrrrgggghhhhhhh!
(Gunther is turned to a pile of sand and the Mummy roars, T-Bag whimpers as she puts a chain back on one of the statues, the Mummy then retreats).
Claude deTerre: Kashbag!
T-Bag: He'll be a sandbag now.
Tow-Ling: What a nice man he turned out to be.
T-Shirt: Yeah, the sort of bloke that would steal the teeth out of your mouth and then come back for the gums.
T-Bag: Oh he had what was coming to him.
Claude deTerre: I have seen enough here today to last me a lifetime. Adieu. Bon Chance. Do we part as friends?
T-Bag: I'm trying to give those up.
(A thunderstorm fills the tomb which begins to glow red and they all flee).
T-Bag: Ohhhhhhhhhh!
T-Shirt: Huuuuuuuuurgh.

Added: 04/04/2023

I want my Mummy

T-Bag: Oh, I'm beginning to think this whole dire expedition is a complete waste a time.
T-Shirt: It's amazing isn't it, the things they knew then that we don't know now.
T-Bag: I know one thing, I want out of this place, it gives me the willies.
Tow-Ling: Your Majesty, your Majesty.
T-Bag: What?
Tow-Ling: Look. I think it's your birthday surprise.
T-Shirt: It's your birthday surprise.
T-Bag: Oooooohhhh-ooohh-ooohhhh.
T-Shirt: This is like that bit in Raiders of the Lost Ark, when they open up the ark and all those ghouls and flames come pouring out and burn holes in people.
T-Bag: Ooh, just sounds like my kinda thing. Oh, come on, come on, open it, open it. Tell me, tell me what's inside? What's my birthday surprise?
Tow-Ling: Another golden envelope! Yep a new set of co-ordinates.
T-Bag: Ohhhh, I want my Mummy. I want my Mummy.
T-Shirt: Oh don't worry Tabs, we'll get it one day.

Added: 04/04/2016