Take Off With T. Bag Episode 6: Antony And Cleopatra

The next set of co-ordinates take them to Ancient Rome where Tow-Ling is caught by Brutus who sells him as a slave to the senator Antonius. When T-Bag and T-Shirt try to find him, a girl called Letitia tells them where he is but soon after she gets caught by Brutus and sold to Antonius as a slave. T-Bag pretends to be Cleopatra to get Tow-Ling back.
The High-T Website synopsis

In charge of this expedition

T-Shirt: I vote we split up.
T-Bag: Excuse me, excuse me, I'm in charge of this expedition, it's my birthday surprise we're looking for so I'll decide what we do. Ok? Ok? Right, I vote we split up and meet back here in five minutes, go. Ah!

Added: 04/04/2015

Marcus and Spartacus

Antony: Look what you made me do, my Marcus and Spartacus buttermilk cake... soaked.
Brutus: Never mind gov, it's a sponge in'it.
Antony: Oh an amateur comedian.

Hasn't she got a hankie?

T-Shirt: Tow-Ling.
T-Bag: Where are you, shorthouse, hobble-de-hi.
T-Shirt: Cous', where are you?
T-Bag: Tow-Ling.
Letitia: Excuse me, are you looking for someone?
T-Bag: No dear, we're from rent-a-yell.
T-Shirt: Cheap prices, 50p a shout.
T-Bag: Shut-up.
Letitia: No need to be sarcastic, I was only trying to help.
T-Bag: And you are?
Letitia: Letitia.
T-Bag: Bless you.
T-Shirt: Have you seen a boy, 'bout nine, orange shirt, khaki cap.
Letitia: Yes I have, he's been sold into slavery.
T-Bag: What's that?
T-Shirt: Well, slavery it's when someone forces you...
T-Bag: I know what that is, idiot.
Letitia: He’s been bought by a rich and powerful senator, lives over there.
T-Bag: Leave this to me I'll sort this out.
Letitia: Careful, you daren't just walk in there and ask for him back, you could be thrown to the lions.
T-Bag: Oh thank you, thank you for the warning. T-Shirt walk in there and ask for him back.
Letitia: I have an idea.
T-Bag: Mind your own beeswax, whatever you name is.
Letitia: Letitia.
T-Bag: Hasn't she got a hankie?
Letitia: You dress up, pretend to be I don't know, Queen Cleopatra of Egypt or something, make him fall in love with you and he'd do anything you ask, like giving back your friend.
T-Bag: Are you deaf or just thick? Now just get out of here and keep that out of my business. Right?
Letitia: Right.
T-Bag: I've just had a brainwave, quick back to the ship I'll explain on the way.
T-Shirt: Let me guess. Does it involve eye shadow and a dark wig, I wonder.
T-Bag: Watch the lip.

Delivery for Senator Antonius Frivolous

T-Shirt: Delivery for Senator Antonius Frivolous.
Antony: I never ordered any carpet.
(T-Shirt unravels the rug uncovering T-Bag dressed as Cleopatra).
T-Bag: Hello darling.
Antony: Flaming Nora.
T-Bag: No darling. Red hot Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile. You are even more yummy in the flesh.
Antony: Madam, kindly explain.
T-Bag: Oh Anthony, Anthony darling. I had a dream I saw your lovely face and I fell in love head over heels. I have travelled for years to find you and now I see you here before me I know that dreams, dreams really do come true.
Antony: Oh, what a funny woman.
(T-Shirt acknowledges this with a gentle nod)
T-Bag: Oh Anthony darling, do you find me attractive? Say you do.
Antony: Well I must admit you do have a most pretty little head, hasn't she got a pretty little head?
T-Shirt: As heads go, it's pretty little.
T-Bag: Oh say you'll be mine, say you'll be mine.
Antony: Alright I'll be yours.
T-Bag: You're not just saying that.
Antony: No, no, absolutely not. What a kooky old day this has been, but I must admit it's growing on me, hmmm. Come, come sprawl yourself beside me you, you destroyer of men's hearts.
T-Bag: Oh, that's the spirit. Anthony darling, you have something I want.
Antony: You are awful, but I like you. Mmm.

Added: 08/11/2010

I've made up my mind

Brutus: Oh Senator, about that dosh. I was just thinking, if you could chisel me out a cheque.
Antony: Yes, I'm glad you've dropped by, you, you big beast.
Brutus: Eh?
Antony: Well I've been thinking. I thought we Roman were supposed to be civilised.
Brutus: Hmm, yeah.
Antony: Yes, well there's nothing civilised about slavery, is there? Hmm, it's, it's er inhuman, that's what it is. Ought to be stamped out.
Brutus: What?
Antony: Yes, as a matter of fact, I've decided to bring the subject up at tomorrow's meeting of the senate. I want the whole ghastly idea banned.
Brutus: Banned?
Antony: Banned, yes.
Brutus: But I'll be out of a job, I'll have to work for a living.
Antony: The matter is closed, I've made up my mind.
Brutus: But. Stop. Right, then I'll just have to make you unmake it, won't I?

Added: 04/04/2021

I've changed my mind

T-Bag: Oh Anthony darling.
Anthony: Yes, almond angel.
T-Bag: Do you like me?
Anthony: Oh, Lots.
T-Bag: Then prove it, give me a little something.
Anthony: Oh, I most certainly will.
T-Bag: Wonderful.
Anthony: Do you like cod-fish balls?
T-Bag: I wouldn't know, I’ve never been to one.
T-Shirt: My Queen means not food gentle senator, she means...
T-Bag: Shut up, shut up, leave this to me. Oh Anthony darling, give me one of your slaves.
Anthony: But honeybucket, how can I give you what isn't mine to give. I've realised I hate slavery.
T-Bag: You mean...
Anthony: Yes, I grant my slaves their freedom.
T-Bag: Now he's talking.
T-Shirt: Tow-Ling.
T-Bag: Tow-Ling.
Tow-Ling: T-Shirt, your majesty.
T-Bag: At last.
T-Shirt: This nice man says you're free to go.
Tow-Ling: Really?
Anthony: Yes it's true, all true.
Anthony: (Anthony eats a grape) Have a grape. What am I saying, no it isn't, I love slavery, love it to death. He's my slave and you can't have him. So (blows raspberry), raspberry to you.
T-Bag: What?!?!? But you said...
Anthony: Yes, but I've changed my mind.
T-Bag: Too bad, the new one doesn't fit you any better than the old one. Now listen here buster, I want this boy (T-Bag eats a grape). No I don't, you can have him, I want her.
Letitia: What!
Tow-Ling: What!
T-Shirt: Letitia?
Anthony: Bless you.
T-Shirt: Wait, just a minute, we came here to get Tow-Ling.
Anthony: Now calm down sonny, have a grape.
T-Shirt: Cheers, we came to get Tow-Ling and we're not leaving without... without... (T-Shirt eats a grape). Without... that lovely vase. Can we have this vase, please?
Anthony: No you most certainly can not, my mother gave me that. (Anthony eats a grape) Mmm, on the other hand, it is a bit naff, yes take it, it's yours.
T-Bag: I don't want that vase, you stupid idiot (T-Bag eats a grape). Mind you, it would look smashing on the telly with a few tulips in it.
Anthony: (Anthony eats a grape) Well stodgy stilton to you, you can't have it. It's hers (passes the vase to Letitia).
Letitia: I don't want it.
T-Shirt: Why not? It's a fabulous vase (T-Shirt eats a grape). No it isn't, it's a piece of trash.
T-Bag: (T-Bag eats a grape). Oh, will everyone shut up about vases, I don't care about vases. We don't give a flaming fig-farthing about flaming vases. We want that boy.
Tow-Ling: Now we're getting somewhere.
T-Bag: (T-Bag eats a grape) What other vases have you got then?

Added: 08/11/2010

Who wants this last grape?

Antony: Look, look, can we please get this straight, what is it you want?
T-Bag: We want the girl, her.
T-Shirt: The boy, him.
T-Bag: (T-Bag eats a grape) Exactly, the boy.
Antony: You can have them both.
T-Shirt: Thank the stars for that.
Antony: Oh.
T-Shirt: Tow-Ling, Letitia, wake up. Come on, we're off.
Antony: Who wants this last grape? Urr, hmm-mm. (Antony eats a grape) Hey, where are you think you're going? They're my slaves you've got there.
T-Shirt: I don't believe this.
T-Bag: Oh, it's enough to make a grown woman grow.
(Knock at the door).
Antony: Come.
Brutus: Oh, morning Senator. Just passing, er, wondered if you needed a lift in my chariot to the senate building?
Antony: Thank you, no. My slaves will take me.
T-Bag: What?
Brutus: Slaves?
Antony: Yes, wonderful inventions, slaves.
Brutus: I'll drink to that, ha, ha, ha. (Brutus drinks the wine made from the grapes) Mind you, it's flaming uncivilised init?
Antony: What?
Brutus: Slavery init. Well it's disgusting. Criminal. Worse than criminal. Evil mate, that's what it is, evil.
Letitia: Dead right.
Tow-Ling: Yeah.
Brutus: You get yourself down to that senate building squire. Start the ball rolling, get this thing wiped off the face of the planet.
Antony: You reckon?
T-Shirt: Go for it Tony baby. Be a hero.
Antony: (T-Shirt passes Antony the wine and he drinks some) Do you know, I think I will.
All: Yeah!
Antony: Ha, ha.
Tow-Ling: Does this mean we're free to go?
Antony: Yes, go, go and live your lives.
T-Bag: Yes, quick. Exit, stage left, before the man changes his mind.
Antony: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh.
Letitia: Yeah!

Added: 04/04/2024