Take Off With T. Bag Episode 1: Many Happy Returns

It’s nearly T-Bag’s birthday and when T-Shirt leaves her to stay with Granny Bag she blows up Granny Bag’s house to get him back. When T-Bag gets a golden envelope with space co-ordinates to find ‘the greatest gift of all’ she sets out to find her gift with T-Shirt and Tow-Ling.
The High-T Website synopsis

The day before my big day

T-Bag: But nothing you two…
Granny Bag: Ooh.
T-Bag: … do will affect...
T-Shirt: Ooh.
T-Bag: ... me on the day before my big day. Make me a cup of tea, be an angel.
T-Shirt: Make it yourself Blondie.
T-Bag: What?
Granny Bag: T-Shirt, shame on you, you shouldn't call her Blondie.
T-Bag: Thank you Granny.
Granny Bag: Especially now she's going grey.
(Granny and T-Shirt laugh).
Granny Bag: Bung us a nut cluster sunshine.
T-Bag: That's right.
Granny Bag: Ough, ough.
T-Bag: I'm deeply non-plussed, My plus as seldom been nonner.
Granny Bag: What are you babbling about girl?
T-Bag: It's you, you're a bad influence on Shirty.
Granny Bag: Aaarrgghhhh, ooohh.
T-Bag: Well enough's enough. I want you to leave him alone. Do you hear? He's mine.
Granny Bag: Woo-uhh.
T-Bag: Oh
Granny Bag: Urggghhh.
T-Bag: Get out.
T-Shirt: Oi, that's no way to treat a fifteen thousand year old woman.
Granny Bag: Do you very much mind, fifteen thousand and six.
T-Bag: I mean it Granny, you are persona non grata at Chateau Bag.
Granny Bag: Alright. What's that in English?
T-Bag: Shove off.
Granny Bag: Urrrhhhhhhhhhhhh.
T-Bag: Right Mr Megalip, my tea.
T-Shirt: I can't believe you just did that.
T-Bag: What do you want? A slow motion replay? My tea.
T-Shirt: Forget it, get it? Forget it.
T-Bag: Oh stop making them frog impressions. Stick that kettle on.
T-Shirt: You're not hearing me nag bag. This caddy has dunked his final leaf.
T-Bag: Huhhh.
T-Shirt: I've had it up to here. I'm fed up playing second banana to a flaming fruit cake. From now on you can make your own rotten tea. And choke on it. Goodbye.
(T-Shirt leaves).
T-Bag: He'll be back. Idiiiiiooooooot!

Added: 04/04/2024

Thomas Shirt, your new life begins here

Granny Bag: Oi Doggy Bag, grubs up.
(Doggy Bag eats the grub, throws it out and burps).
Granny Bag: Oi, oi, Doggy Bag, you're getting to be a regular little crouch potato, you know that. Yes you are, yes you are, yes you are.
T-Shirt (Yodelling): You're the lady who.
Granny Bag: I'm the lady who what? What? What? What?
T-Shirt: You're the lady who's going to put me up cause I've left home.
Granny Bag: You haven't?
T-Shirt: I have. I told the old bootlace to get knotted.
Granny Bag: You didn't?
T-Shirt: I did. I'm never going to speak to that woman again as long as I live.
Granny Bag: You won't.
T-Shirt: I will. I mean...
Granny Bag: (laughs) Gotcha (laughs).
T-Shirt: Granny is it alright if I stay?
Granny Bag: Yes, course it is Shirty old son, plenty a' room, come on Doggy Bag, shove up we've got guests.
T-Shirt: Very funny.
Granny Bag: Oh, you, you're welcome any old time Shirty, yeah, glad of the company. Now, come on bump, dump your bag inside and, and lets get down to some serious fun, yeah, yeah.
T-Shirt: Ahh, Thomas Shirt, your new life begins here. Yodel-ay-di-hoo.
Granny Bag: You the little boy you, come on.

Added: 04/04/2016

Genuine Swiss cuckoo clock

T-Bag: Here it is you’re very own top of the range, authentic, hand craft, genuine Swiss cuckoo clock made in Taiwan.
Granny Bag: Cor blimey, what a cracker.

Did you get the ball back?

(Granny Bag’s house has just been blown up, she stands there coughing, T-Shirt rushes in).
T-Shirt: Granny.
Granny Bag: Oh dear, oh dear. Urghh, ohh, oh. Eurh, uh, uh. Oh I've got just one question for you. Did you get the ball back?
T-Shirt: Oh never mind the flipping ball. What happened to your house?
Granny Bag: Well I, I was just wondering that myself. It, it sort of went, cuckoo (she imitates the sound of an explosion, she then hears Doggy Bag yelping). Oh DB. Oh no, DB, oh, oh, DB. Ah, oh. DB, DB, are you alright DB? Ah, huh. (Doggy Bag throws a wet sponge out). Oh sorry, didn't know you were in the bath. Oh, huh, uh, ha, he's ok.
T-Shirt: He's ok but what about us? It's going to be dark soon. Where are we going to sleep tonight?

Added: 04/04/2022

Tabatha's Birthday Blues

T-Bag: You do know what today is don’t you?
T-Shirt: Thursday.
T-Bag: Yes, and… very special day.
Granny Bag: Oh belt up you two, I’m trying to sleep here.
T-Bag: Ohhh, get up and tell this idiot what day it is.
Granny Bag: Well it’s Thursday in’t it?
T-Bag: Yes and...
Granny Bag: What do you mean yes and...
T-Bag: and, and...
Granny Bag: and...
T-Bag: and...
T-Shirt: and Granny do you want some cornflakes?
Granny Bag: Oh yeah, have you got any puffed wheat popsicles?
T-Bag: Yes it’s a very special Thursday and something very important happens today.
Granny Bag: Of course yes it’s bin day, right they can have this at kick-off it leaked all over my Daffy Duck jim jams.
T-Bag: Oh for crying out loud. Do I have to spell it out for you? It begins with a B.
Granny Bag: Honey.
T-Bag: B...I.
T-Shirt: Bin Day. That’s what she said.
T-Bag: No. B...I...R
Granny Bag: Bir… mingham, you're going to Birmingham.
T-Bag: No, I'm not going to Birmingham, why do I want to go to Birmingham for?
Granny Bag: For the cheese, oh no that’s Holland. Sorry.
T-Bag: It’s my B...I...R...T...H...D...A...Y.
Granny Bag: B...Y.
T-Bag: My Birthday!

Time space co-ordinates

(The door bell rings).
T-Bag: Ohhhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhhhh, it's the postman, ohhhhhh for meeeeeee. Ohhh with a sack load full of cards and presents for me. You may have forgotten my birthday but nobody else has. Ok Postie, wheel 'em in.
(T-Bag opens the door).
Tow-Ling: Hello.
T-Bag: You're not the postman.
T-Shirt: Tow-Ling.
Tow-Ling: T-Shirt.
T-Shirt: It's great to see you, what a surprise, come on in. Granny, this is my cousin, Tow-Ling Shirt.
Granny Bag: Hello Duckie.
T-Bag: That's right, everyone forget me, on my birthday.
T-Shirt: What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the tea making academy?
Tow-Ling: I couldn't take it anymore T-Shirt, all the bullying. They're always pinching me and pushing me and sticking my head down the toilet.
Granny Bag: Ah well, boys will be boys.
Tow-Ling: It wasn't the boys, it, it was the teachers.
T-Bag: Excuse me, excuse me, would somebody please explain to me what this child is doing in my chateau?
Tow-Ling: I've run away, can I come and live with you T-Shirt, can I, please, can I?
Granny Bag: Yes, course you can sonny, bags of room.
T-Shirt: Make yourself at home.
Tow-Ling: Wicked.
Granny Bag: Yeah, you need popsicles (laughs).
(Granny Bag leaves the room).
T-Bag: Just a tea leaf picking minute, you, get back to Dr Barnardos, go on, sling your hook.
Tow-Ling: Oh.
T-Bag: Come on, back to school with you.
(Granny Bag rushes back into the room).
Granny Bag: Tabatha.
T-Bag: What?
Granny Bag: Look. It just came through the letterbox.
T-Bag: Oh-oh-ohhhh. Oh, it's for me, oh, yeah.
Granny Bag: Yeah.
T-Bag: It's for me, where's the rest?
Granny Bag: Well that's the lot.
T-Bag: Hurrgh, oh, oh, oh well, at least somebody remembered me. Expensive looking envelope.
Granny Bag: Hmm yeah.
T-Bag: Scented too.
T-Bag & Granny Bag: Ooooh.
T-Bag: Oh how exciting, I wonder who it's from.
Tow-Ling: Open it and see.
T-Bag: Oh thank you.
Granny Bag: Well come on girl don't keep us all in suspenders, who's it from?
T-Bag: How should I know?
T-Shirt: But what does it say?
T-Bag: For the greatest gift of all 07 081 4144 ohhh and a load of meaningless numbers, oh what a piece of pee pee piffle. Oh some birthday this has turned out to be (cries).
Tow-Ling: Excuse me, these numbers look like time space co-ordinates.
T-Bag: You still here?
Tow-Ling: Yes. Yes it is, look there's the date and that's the longitude and latitude, oh and those are the ordinate survey references.
T-Shirt: It's a code.
Granny Bag: Yeah, and I bet if you follow it, it'll lead you to the greatest gift of all.
T-Bag: Give me that. The greatest gift of all, now you're talking. What are we waiting for? Right T-Shirt, get that old flying saucer out the garage, we're offski.
T-Shirt: Offski where-ski?
T-Bag: Oh you idiot, where the numbers tell us. Right you are coming with us.
Tow-Ling: I am?
T-Bag: Yes, you're the only one out of this bunch with double figures in your brain.
Granny Bag: Oi come on Doggy Bag, you've never been in a flying saucer before have you?
T-Bag: Oh no you don't, I refuse to have nit-ridden monster-bonce flying in my lovely spaceship, that goes for your dog as well Granny, you're grounded.
Granny Bag: Charming as ever.

Added: 04/04/2015

Thoughts of her Birthday Surprise

T-Shirt: Right we’ll soon be on our way.
T-Bag: On our way where?
T-Shirt: To get your Birthday surprise.
Tow-Ling: The Greatest gift of all!
T-Bag: The Greatest gift of all! I wonder what it will be. The Pearls of Wisdom, no, The Rings of Olympus maybe.
T-Shirt: A Huxley Pig soap on a rope.