T. Bag And The Sunstones Of Montezuma Episode 2: Gussie And Twittering

Gussie Milksop’s Auntie wants him to get married using an engagement ring with the sunstone on it so T-Bag pretends to be Daisy Pelf, a rich heiress, to get the ring. Can Penny or Twittering stop her?
The High-T Website synopsis

T-Shirt's Diary

T-Shirt: Captains Log 19 9.92 having miraculously found the lost Sunstones of Montezuma, we have now unfortunately gone and lost them again, as they say on Andromeda Five are well that’s life in a tripe shop. All we know for sure is that the nine precious stones are scattered somewhere across time and space, finding them again will be like looking for pickpockets on a nudist beach!
T-Bag: Arr, what a load of tosh!
T-Shirt: I’m keeping a diary just like Sir Paisley Shirt did, everything that happens I write it down.
T-Bag: You forgot to write Dear Diary today T-Bag clobbered me with a lavoratory brush.
T-Shirt: When did that happen?
(She hits him over the head with the lavoratory brush).
T-Shirt: Oww!
T-Bag: Stop faffing around I’ve got to find out where that Polly pee-wee creature’s got to.

The geezer with the cakehole full of marbles

T-Shirt: Who's the geezer with the cakehole full of marbles?
T-Bag: Oh why must you be so uncouth? Can't you speak English with a little decorum?
T-Shirt: I flipping well do. Who is he anyway?
T-Bag: He is my passport to getting the next sunstone before that Penny pee-wee piffle pants gets it. Now shut up and listen.

Added: 04/04/2024

Wordsworth I think

Penny: Wow! Now that's something that doesn't happen everyday, amazing. It worked Dad, I'm here, wherever here is. I'll find the rest of these, don't worry.
(Gussie walks into the kitchen).
Gussie: There'll be two for dinner tonight Mrs Bridgewater and I, oh.
Penny: Oh, hi, I'm Penny.
Gussie: Well where in deuce is Mrs Bridgewater?
Penny: Who?
Gussie: My cook of course, ah. (He picks up and starts to read the note) Dear Mr Milksop, I won't be at work today due to illness and fatigue, dear poor lady, I wonder what's wrong with her. P.T.O. I'm sick and tired of cooking. Oh dear, still at least she's sent a replacement. Right dear, I want a slap-up beano for two at eight. Savvy? Good girl. Right now, here's a... a fiver, go to the market and bring home the bacon if you follow the nub of my gist. Crack on younker, let flights of angels guide thee. Wordsworth I think but probably not, huh. Toodlepip.
(Gussie leaves).
Penny: This is gonna be harder than I thought.

Added: 04/04/2015

Son and heir

(T-Bag is pushing Penny into the kitchen larder).
T-Bag: And don't you let her out of there 'til she's learnt herself a couple of manners.
Gussie: A smidgen harsh though, what?
T-Bag: You gotta be cruel to be cruel kiddo. Right plum-breath make with the key.
Penny: But you've got to listen.
T-Bag: Oh button it lady, button it. Kids, who’d have ‘em?
Gussie: Well I rather hoped I'd have a son and heir one day.
T-Bag: You want sun and air, go to Majorca that's what I say! Keep a hold of this flagpole features and on no circumstances let her out of there.
Penny: You're being tricked.
T-Bag: Oh shut up. Urrhh, kids, should neither be seen nor heard, don't you agree? I do.
(The telephone rings).
Twittering: The telephone's ringing sire, shall I?
Gussie: No, no, no, Twittering, I'll get it. Get the lady a drink to steady her nerves, there's a fine fellow.
Twittering: A hefty dose of buffalo sedative might be deemed more appropriate.
T-Bag: Eh, what's the matter with you? Trying to coax a moustache to grow there by smearing your top lip with horse manure
Twittering: Frankly madam, I've harboured grave doubts about your authenticity since moment the first.
T-Bag: What did he say?
T-Shirt: He doesn't believe you're Daisy Pelf.
T-Bag: Uhhhhh.
Twittering: Quite so, I feel it is now incumbent upon me to communicate my misgivings to Master Milksop, do please forgive me.
T-Bag: Do please forgive me old bean. Ha, ha, ha!
(T-Bag hits Twittering with a rolling pin, knocking him unconscious).
T-Bag: T-Shirt, quick, quick, quick, get. Uh-huh, uh-uh.
(T-Shirt helps T-Bag drag Twittering leaving him to rest on the floor).
Penny: What have you done? Let me out of here. Let me out.
T-Bag: Oh that's right, scream and shout, I hope you hurt your throat. Bad luck Penelope pee-wee.

Added: 08/11/2010 | Updated: 04/04/2017

Oh Daisy, Oh Gussie

Gussie: Oh Daisy.
T-Bag: Oh Gussie.
Gussie: Oh Daisy.
T-Bag: Oh get on with it.
Gussie: I know this may come as a bolt out of the blue at you but...
T-Bag: Yes lover boy, the answers yes.
Gussie: and I know we’ve only just met but…
T-Bag: Oh I accept, I do, I do, here, here, here’s my hand.
Gussie: I don’t want you to feel that I’m pressuring you.
T-Bag: I do want to be you’re wife, I do, I do, I do, I do.
Gussie: Oh Daisy.
T-Bag: What?
Gussie: Will you marry me?
T-Bag: What are you, deaf?

This unsavoury little episode

Twittering: The best-laid schemes of mice and men gang aft agley an' lea'e us nought but grief and pain for promised joy! The Scottish poet, Robert Burns, sir.
Gussie: Fellow stole the words straight out of my mouth Twittering. I have made up my mind in the wake of this unsavoury little episode, it's a bachelors life for me. Aunt Winifred can take a running jump into the Serpentine and take her blessed will with her.
Penny: Well Gussie, if you're not getting engaged you won't need this, will you?
Gussie: Is it right what you said about collecting these stones and defeating that horrendous hag?
Penny: Hmm-mm.
Gussie: Well in that case, have this one on Gussie.
Penny: Fantastic, thanks.

Added: 04/04/2017