T. Bag And The Sunstones Of Montezuma Episode 7: One Million Years B.C.

Penny arrives back in caveman times, where Ignatius is the leader of a tribe and he has the next sunstone as a stone of office. Another caveman in the tribe called Thug takes the sunstone from Ig. When T-Bag challenges Thug to a fight with T-Shirt who will be triumphant?
The High-T Website synopsis

The world's first joke

Thug: Og. Almighty Og. Thug has returned, our tribe is victorious, yeeeaaaaaaaoooowwh.
Ignatius: Oh, hello.
Thug: Oh it's you, where's your father?
Ignatius: Daddy? Haven't you heard? Daddy's taking tea with the angels.
Thug: You what?
Ignatius: He's pushing up the daisies.
Thug: What are you on about?
Ignatius: Daddy has expired, passed on, given up the ghost.
Thug: You mean...
Ignatius: Yes.
Thug: ...he's gone to live in Milton Keynes.
Ignatius: No you silly man, he fell under a mammoth, Daddy is an ex-Daddy.
Thug: Og dead? No.
Ignatius: It's true I'm afraid, I wrote a poem about him, would you like to hear it?
Thug: Nah.
Ignatius: As Father sat upon a boulder, a mammoth tapped him on the shoulder. It's foot came down and with a splat, poor old Dad was trampled flat. Ascended now to a lofty height, the kids all use him as a kite. Gets you there don't it?
Thug: So in the blazers is running the tribe then?
Ignatius: Three guesses.
Thug: Oh no. No, say it can't be true.
Ignatius: Isn't it wonderful? The stone of office. Now I'm in charge I can make all the changes I like around here.
Thug: Changes?
Ignatius: Yes.
Thug: But Ig.
Ignatius: Don't call me Ig for a start. From now on it's Ignatius.
Thug: Ig what?
Ignatius: Natius. Ignatius, it's a far more civilised name don't you think?
Thug: We're cavemen you idiot, we're not meant to be civilised.
Ignatius: Well all that's going to change as from today. And look at the state you're in, you look like you've been in the wars.
Thug: I have, cracked a few skulls today I can tell ya. Having old monkey brains and his gang of apes.
Ignatius: Give me that horrid thing.
Thug: Oi.
(He takes Thug's club).
Ignatius: I'm confiscating this, you can have it back at Christmas. It'll be a Christmas club (laughs), do you see? I've just cracked the world's first joke.
Thug: It'll never catch on.
Ignatius: Now I want you to take these flowers to Monkey-brains, say you're very sorry but they'll be no more silly punch ups ever again.
Thug: You can't be serious.
Ignatius: Oh but I am.
Thug: You'll make our tribe the laughing stock of the whole valley.
Ignatius: My dear Thug, in years to come some brightspark will invent the electric toothbrush and everyone will sneer at him too. But he, like me, will have the last laugh and the cleanest teeth.
Thug: You're a raving lunatic, that's what you are.
Ignatius: I'm also leader of the tribe and you'll do what I say, go on, do it, do it!

Added: 04/04/2015

Something small and precious

(T-Bag is looking at Thug and Ignatius in her saucer).
T-Bag: What do I see? Something small and precious.
T-Shirt: Yeah and he's holding the next sunstone.
T-Bag: Ohhhh, of course it's the sunstone you knuckle head.
T-Shirt: Looks a bit of a pushover eh?
T-Bag: And bags I'm the one who pushes him over.
T-Shirt: Oh no, let me. I'll down him with a swift left hook, he'll be tasting glove for a fortnight.
T-Bag: No, why should you have all the fun? (Uses her magic and a set of golf clubs appear). A number five iron, I think, should do the trick. You, knuckle head, stay here.

Added: 04/04/2022

Thug, big lug with an ugly mug

(Thug pulls Ignatius off the ground and holds him in the air).
Ignatius: Oooooooooooooh.
Thug: Not so chirpy now eh, Mr na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
Penny: Let him go you big brute.
Ignatius: Nrhhhhhhh.
Thug: Give me the stone of office.
Ignatius: No. Never.
Thug: Give me that stone (he rips it from his neck).
Ignatius: Oooooooh, look at that, that's all chaffed now. Ooh, if I wasn't so against violence I'd give you such a slap on the back of your leg. (Thug drops Ig and he falls to the ground) Arrrgh-ohhh.
Thug: Now the tribe's got a proper leader.
Ignatius: Give it back you big lunk.
Thug: You want it back? You'll have to fight me for it, like a man.
Ignatius: I will never fight. Fighting is for barbarians.
Thug: Don't you call me a barbarian.
(Thug wollops Ig on the head and leaves).
Ignatius: See what I mean? Oh, phww.
Penny: Are you alright?
Ignatius: No, no, no I'm not. Ohh, look at the state of my hair.
Penny: I'll be right back.
(Penny leaves and T-Bag appears).
T-Bag: Right buster, where's that...
Ignatius: The stone of office? That thug Thug took it.
T-Bag: Thug-thug, what's the fig is a thug-thug?
Ignatius: No, not thug-thug. Thug, big lug with an ugly mug.
T-Bag: You tell me where that stone is or I'll show you what it's like to have a hole in one and a big lump ripped out the other!
(T-Bag chases after Ig into the cave screaming).

Added: 04/04/2017

Take me for instance

Penny: You can't just go round taking what you like.
Thug: Spear.
Penny: It's called stealing and it's not nice.
Thug: Nets.
Penny: Decent people don't go round pinching things.
Thug: Bait, bait, where can I get some bait for my sabre tooth tiger trap?
Penny: Look, take me for instance.
Thug: Good idea.
Penny: Let me go you monster, help!

Added: 04/04/2017

A bit of faith

T-Shirt: A Fight. Great.
T-Bag: Yes, I thought that would bring a ray of sunshine into that overcast little face.
T-Shirt: At last, a crack at the real McCoy. So who's the unlucky guy then?
T-Bag: His name is Thu, thup, thup, thup, Theodore.
T-Shirt: Theodore, heh? Sounds like a right wimp.
T-Bag: Ha, ha, ha, he is, you'll slay him and then victory for you and victory for me, 'cause when you win I get the sunstone.
T-Shirt: When I win, well it's nice to know you've got a bit of faith in me for once.
T-Bag: I've got no faith in you what-so-ever. But there's one thing that never lets me down (T-Bag punches the punching bag so it swings backwards) cheating! (The punching bag swings back and pushes over T-Bag) Ourrrgggghhhhhhhhhh!

Added: 04/04/2013

Troglodytes

Penny: I'm a vegetarian, I object to people eating meat, especially when I'm the meat.
Thug: Tough!
Penny: Exactly, very tough, all gristly, what sabre-tooth tiger's going to want to eat me?
Thug: A ravenously hungry one.
T-Bag: Yu-hoooo, anyone at cave.
Thug: What in the blazing volcano's that?
T-Bag: I'm looking for a Thug.
Thug: Well you found one, so what? (T-Bag Laughs) What?
T-Bag: You are mighty Thug, whose very name strikes terror in the hearts of mortal men.
Thug: I've had me moments.
T-Bag: I've seen more muscle in a seafood salad. I am Bag, mighty messenger from a tribe of cave-dwelling warriors.
Thug: Troglodytes.
T-Bag: No, honestly it's true.
Thug: Look woman, what do you want? I've got a belly that needs feeding.
T-Bag: I have come to throw down a challenge, (T-Bag summons up a stone tablet which she drops onto Thug's foot) here it is.
Thug: Arrrgghhhoouughhhhhhh. Challenge, what kind of a challenge?
T-Bag: Oh read it.
Thug: (Makes reading sounds) Hnnnnurr, hnnurrr, hnnuurr, what does read mean?
T-Bag: Oh, give it to me, look. The head of my tribe wishes to challenge the head of your tribe, i.e. you.
Thug: I.e. me.
T-Bag: To a bout of fisticuffs, i.e. a punch up.
Thug: I.e. a punch up.
T-Bag: A fight to the finish, i.e. to get that (T-Bag points to the sunstone).
Thug: I.e. i.e. i.e. what are all these i.e's?
(T-Bag clobers him with the stone tablet).
Thug: I.eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
T-Bag: A little taste of what's to come if you accept the challenge.
Thug: If? If? Thug will make mince mammoth meat of anybody who cares to cock a snook at him, i.e. me.
T-Bag: That's the kind of fighting talk I like to hear, come on, let's pull up a little boulder and get down to the nitty-gritty.

Added: 04/04/2013

This is a certain occasion

Ignatius: It's a sad day when brute force wins out over common decency. Don't you think? I mean if this is the way mankind's headed there's no hope for us.
(Penny walks in).
Penny: There's always hope, come on, get up. Sometimes you've got to fight for what's right.
Ignatius: Fi... Fight? Are you bonkers? I'm a peace loving pacifist. I refuse to raise my fists in anger.
Penny: On certain occasions you just have to and this is a certain occasion.
Ignatius: No, I refuse point blank.
Penny: Right, I see, so nothing will make you fight?
Ignatius: Nothing.
Penny: So you don't mind if I just smash your friend into a thousand pieces.
Ignatius: Huurh, you put him down or I'll...
Penny: Ha, so is there is something you'll fight for.

Added: 04/04/2024

Soft as marshmallow

T-Shirt: So tell me more about this Theodore bloke I'm about to cream.
T-Bag: Oh he's a pussy cat, soft as marshmallow, like old semolina, if he lasts half a round oooh it'll be a miracle.
T-Shirt: Yeah. Well, I'm in pretty good shape, Sylvester Shirt, that's me. Arnold Shirtzenegger. What are you doing?
T-Bag: Oh nothing, nothing, just giving the gloves a polish. Right, right, come on, it's fight time.
T-Shirt: Urgh, let me at him, let me at him.
T-Bag: Nah. Steady boy. Steady boy. Save yourself. Save yourself.
T-Shirt: I'll mash him, I'll marmalise him.

Added: 04/04/2024

A man's got to do what a man's got to do

Penny: Good, we're here first. Now you know what you've got to do.
Ignatius: I suppose so, if I must, I must. A man's got to do what a man's got to do and so must I.
Penny: Where is the big dope? You wait here, I'll find him.
Ignatius: Flip, what have I got myself in for.
(He starts to practice some punches).

Added: 04/04/2024