Take Off With T. Bag Episode 10: Shangri-La

T-Bag thinks it is taking too long to find her birthday surprise so she orders Tow-Ling and T-Shirt to take her back to Chateau Bag but when they disagree saying they are really close. T-Bag then decides to take over but she crashes the flying saucer. She sends T-Shirt and Tow-Ling to get help but after a while she goes to find them. Will T-Bag find her birthday present, The Greatest Gift Of All?
The High-T Website synopsis

Unhappy Families

T-Bag: No, no, no, I can't bear any more, I'm going mad, mad, mad. I wanna go home, somebody take me home. I'm cracking up, I'm cracking up, I'm at the end of my rope, I'm going crazy, crazy, heh, crazy.
T-Shirt: Have you got Master Bun the Unemployed Baker's Son?
Tow-Ling: No, do you have Mrs Drip, the plumber's ex-wife who ran of with Mr Stamp the postman?
T-Shirt: Nope.
T-Bag: Oh for Pete's sake, what are you two doing?
Tow-Ling: We're playing unhappy families.
T-Bag: Right give me those, you get over there and get me home.
Tow-Ling: But you haven't got your birthday surprise yet.
T-Bag: Don't you tell me what to do, get me back to Chateau Bag.
T-Shirt: But we're this close. I can feel it in my bones.
T-Bag: You'll be feeling my fist in your bones if you don't both do as I tell you.
Tow-Ling: T-Shirt's right your Majesty, I think we should horse on.
T-Bag: I see, ha, ha, mutiny is it? Very well I will fly us back myself, ha, ha.
(T-Bag starts pressing random buttons on the console)
Tow-Ling: Don't do that.
T-Shirt: For crying out loud.
Tow-Ling: You don't know what you're doing.
T-Bag: Oh, shut up, shut up. Come on you flying scrapheap, which one's reverse?
(T-Bag pressing another button and the flying saucer crash lands).

Added: 04/08/2012

We're gonna die, die, die

T-Bag: Ouhhh ow, uh, oh you idiot. Ooooh, owwhh.
T-Shirt: That's right, it's all my fault, naughty me, smack my botty.
Tow-Ling: I think we've crashed.
T-Bag: Oh thank you Brains.
T-Shirt: And you've dropped us right in it haven't you? Well you might have well signed our death certificates woman cause we're gonna die, die, die.
T-Bag: Oh stop whinging.
T-Shirt: Lost in the middle of nowhere, hundreds of miles from civilisation, with a blizzard raging outside, huh, the generator's down and there's only enough power left to keep us warm for a hour. And the blood in our veins will turn to solid ice and we'll all end up like three deep frozen TV dinners that'll never be thawed out. Hurrhh, we're gonna die, die, die.
T-Bag: Ohhhhh, what a pathetic spectacle. Look, look, here's a boy, half your age and is he panicking?
Tow-Ling: T-Shirt's right, we're gonna die, die, die.
T-Bag: Oh come on, pull yourselfs together. I'll have this situation soon under control, uh. Tow-Ling, all we've got to do is radio for help, pass me the radio. Huh, oh, hurry up, uh. (T-Bag sees broken radio) Ourrgghh-ourghh, we're gonna die, die, die. Ourrgghh, we're all dead, dead, dead.

Added: 04/04/2019

Why don't we draw lots?

T-Bag: Oh, we're gonna die, we're gonna die.
T-Shirt: We're all dead, finished, goners.
T-Bag: Oh.
Tow-Ling: We're doomed.
T-Shirt: This is mad, we can't just sit here doing nothing.
T-Bag: Oh what do you suggest we do? Tie bells round our knees and frolic around the maypole?
T-Shirt: Get it into your head girl you just can't do sarcasm.
T-Bag: Oh I'll do you in a minute.
T-Shirt: Go sit on a pizza.
T-Bag: Oh, eat my socks.
Tow-Ling: Excuse me.
T-Bag & T-Shirt: What?
Tow-Ling: I have an idea, I've been thinking. If we took one of these big metal panels on the wall.
T-Shirt: Yeah?
Tow-Ling: And slid the thermonuclear drive unit over here and lay the panel on top.
T-Bag & T-Shirt: Yeah.
Tow-Ling: And took all the wires from that radio set and solder them together.
T-Bag & T-Shirt: Sounding good.
T-Shirt: And then?
Tow-Ling: Then we'd have it.
T-Bag: Have what?
Tow-Ling: A table tennis table for playing ping pong.
T-Bag: How do you think ping ping pong's going to help us escape?
Tow-Ling: Escape? I was just suggesting something to pass the time until we die.
T-Bag: Oh you idiot.
T-Shirt: Do you mind, that's my insult.
T-Bag: Oh you stupid, stupid idiot.
T-Shirt: That's more like it.
T-Bag: Oh this is ridiculous. We've got to do something. One of us is gonna have to go for help.
T-Shirt: Allow me.
T-Bag: That's the spirit.
T-Shirt: To get your scarf, you're going to need it out there. It's perishing.
T-Bag: Hmm, I'm not going anywhere.
T-Shirt: Oh, well I'm not going.
Tow-Ling: I'm not going.
T-Shirt: Why don't we draw lots?
(T-Shirt cuts some wires to three different lengths).
T-Bag: Oh hurry up.
T-Shirt: Whoever gets the short one has to go for help.
T-Bag: Ah.
(Tow-Ling picks the long piece).
It's between you and me T-Bag.
T-Bag: Hmm. Oh, oh, oh look, look at that.
T-Shirt: What? What?
T-Bag: Look at that. It's been snowing out there oh. Oh right Shirty, let's see, what have you got? (T-Shirt has the smallest piece) A-ha, ha.
T-Shirt: What?
T-Bag: Oh tough luck Shirty and too bad. There we are, there's my scarf. Now toodle-oo.
T-Shirt: But I, I...
T-Bag: Go on, get out there, get out there.
T-Shirt: No, no.
T-Bag: Ah. (T-Bag pushes him out the saucer).
T-Shirt: Huh. Ohhhhhhh.
T-Bag: And get some help and make it quick.
Tow-Ling: Your Majesty, you can't send poor T-Shirt out there all alone.
T-Bag: Hmm, yes, yes, it is cruel isn't it? Ha, ha, ha.
(T-Bag puts another scarf around Tow-Ling).
Tow-Ling: But.
T-Bag: Ha, ha, oh he'll be glad of the company. Ah, there you go, toodle-oo. (T-Bag pushes Tow-Ling out the saucer). Ha, ha.

Added: 04/04/2024

An Ice Lolly

(T-Shirt and Tow-Ling are outside the flying saucer in a blizzard).
Tow-Ling: Now what do we do?
T-Shirt: First person to spot a phone box gets an ice lolly.
Tow-Ling: Great.
T-Shirt: So young that boy.

Added: 04/04/2015

Oh little flame

T-Bag: Oh where are they? What's keeping them those little weasels. Huh, what's that? Ohh, ohhhh that's all I need. Oh, please, please, oh little flame, don't leave me now, don't leave me, don't go out. (A breeze blows out the candle flame). Oh that's all I need (sniffles), oh, oh that's right Tabatha girl, you must have been mad letting those two go, trusting them. For all you know there could be a luxurious five star hotel just around the corner. (Inhales) Yes, I bet that's where they are. Wallowing in a heated Jacuzzi, ohhhh, and slurping down great bowls of piping hot soup and their pyjamas heated in front of a blazing log fire. Oh, huh, hurrhh. Oh, oh, I can't stand it. Urhh, T-Shirt. Tow-Ling. Hurrh, wait for me. (T-Bag goes outside and walks over the snowy landscape, she coughs and calls out) T-Shirt. Tow-Ling. T-Shirt. Tow-Ling. T-Shirt. Uhhhh, urrgghhhh, urghhhhhhhhh.

Added: 04/04/2022

A wild goose chase

Tow-Ling: Jeepers creepers.
T-Shirt: Wow.
T. Bag: It's impossible.
Tow-Ling: Where did all the snow go?
T-Shirt: And how come it's so hot? Weird.
T. Bag: Who cares? Who cares? The main point is we survived didn't we, and no thanks to you pair, as usual it was me, me who had to bail us out.
(T-Bag notices her present).
Tow-Ling: Your majesty.
T-Shirt: What is it?
T. Bag: I don't believe it.
Tow-Ling: Tabatha Bag's birthday surprise your Majesty, it's your birthday surprise, we found it.
T. Bag: You mean I've found it. Oh bliss, bliss. Oh at last, all the trouble I've been through, oh it's mine, mine, mine.
(The Empress appears in a puff of smoke).
Empress: Halt! Who dares defile the sacred garden of the mystical temple of the Empress Po?
T. Bag: I, I, The weirdos are out in force today.
Empress: You will kneel and beg forgiveness of the Empress.
T. Bag: Oh yes, and Thomas the tank engine is joining the Royal Ballet. Get out of my way.
(The Empress zaps T-Bag as she tries to approach the present).
Empress: You will leave this place now and never return, you are not welcome in Shangri-La, be gone!
T. Bag: I'm not going anywhere until I get my present.
Empress: Present?
T. Bag: That there with my name on it.
Empress: Ahh, arrh, ahhh.
T. Bag: Unhh, urnnhh
Empress: Then you are Tabatha Bag, why did you not say so?
T. Bag: Oh because I was too busy getting two thousand volts of electricity right up my arms.
Empress: You are welcome Tabatha Bag, you are welcome all.
T. Bag: Ohh, do you hear that boys, what other name do you know of that's so successful at opening doors.
Tow-Ling: Handle?
T. Bag: Shut up.
T-Shirt: Um does this mean she can have her present now.
Empress: Certainly.
T. Bag: Oh, oh, I can hardly wait.
Empress: But.
T. Bag: I knew it, I knew it, there's always a but. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but what?
Empress: But first you must perform a simple task.
T. Bag: Oh I don't believe this, I've had enough, I'm going home and don't try to stop me, goodbye.
T-Shirt: Are you nuts? After everything we've been through, you're just going to walk away. If you don't see this thing through to the end you're going to spend every waking minute of every day for the rest of your life wondering what was in that box.
Tow-Ling: He's right you know.
T. Bag: Oh alright, alright. What do I have to do?
Empress: Make me laugh.
T. Bag: What?
Empress: Make me laugh. A thousand centuries ago I was granted the gift of eternal life I was the happiest person in the world.
T. Bag: Sounds reasonable.
Empress: Ah, but I came to realise over the long endless years that my great gift was a poison.
Tow-Ling: I understand what you're saying. Everyone you knew grew old and died while you live on forever and that's why you don't laugh anymore.
Empress: You want to come up here and tell the story?
Tow-Ling: No.
Empress: Then kindly pipe down. The reason why I have not laughed once in all these long years is pure and simple. I have heard every joke in the world a billion times, every pun, every joke, every rhyme, every riddle, every limerick, every knock-knock, every doctor-doctor, every why did the chicken cross the road scenario in search of the elusive chuckle, I have pulled more crackers than Rod Stewart but my face remains uncracked, my sides unsplit and my ribs severely untickled.
T-Bag: Oh let's get this straight, if we can make you laugh, I get my birthday present, right?
Empress Po: Right.
T-Bag: Oh, a piece of puff-pastry. T-Shirt, show the lady your passport photo.
Empress: Come, come, I am waiting.
Tow-Ling: I know some jokes your majesty.
T. Bag: This does not require your infantile playground humour. What is needed is a soupçon bit of sophisticated humour. What superstar has got eight bums?
T-Shirt: Oh yes, very sophisticated.
T. Bag: Oh bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Bum, bum.
Empress: Heard it! A pathetic variation on the how many bums has Beethoven got joke circa 1830. Bum, bum, bum, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum. It wasn't funny then, it isn't funny now. Next.
T-Shirt: You leave this to me. What is nine hundred feet high, is made out of jelly and custard and stands in the middle of Paris?
Empress: The trifle tower
T-Shirt: The trifle tower, Uh.
Empress: An absurd paraphrase of the Leaning tower of Pizza joke 1771. Next.
Tow-Ling: A funny thing happened to me on the way to Shangri-La.
T. Bag: Button it shorthouse.
Tow-Ling: Anybody here from Sunderland?
Empress: Oh no, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You have dismally failed to amuse me therefore you will forfeit your birthday gift.
T. Bag: This is lunacy, I demand my present, and I am going to have my present.
Empress: No you cannot.
T. Bag: Yes.
Empress: No.
T. Bag: Yes.
Empress: No.
T. Bag: Yes. Yes. Yes. The moment, the moment I've been waiting for. At last, at last. At last.
(T-Bag opens the present and a goose's head peers out, the Empress begins to laugh when she takes off her mask to reveal Granny Bag).
T. Bag: Oh Granny.
T-Shirt: Gotcha.
Tow-Ling: You fell right into it your majesty.
Granny Bag: Hook, line and sinker.
T. Bag: What's been going on here? After all the trouble I've been through I end up with this feathered freak.
Granny Bag: It's a wild goose Tabatha, get it? A wild goose.
T-Shirt: A wild goose.
Tow-Ling: Wild goose. Get it?
T. Bag: Got it, oh you mean this whole tedious fiasco has been nothing but a wild goose chase?
Granny Bag, T-Shirt & Tow-Ling: Yeeessss.
T. Bag: No birthday surprise, nobody loves me and nobody cares.
Granny Bag: Oh come on ducks, quack, quack. Come on we'll soon get you home, eh. There you are, poor old girl.

Added: 04/04/2013

Surprise...

Granny Bag: Oh, cheer up love, you're home now.
T-Bag: I've got no friends, I got no cards, no presents, no nuffink.
T-Shirt: Nothing.
Tow-Ling: You've got us.
T-Bag: Oh don't remind me, you wanna to know something? This has been the worst birthday I've ever had in the whole of my life.
Granny Bag: Ohhhh.
(Granny Bag goes to turn on the lights).
Party guests: Surprise... Hooray...
Doctor Strangebag: Surprise. Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Bagsy Malone: Surprise. He, he, he, he.
Sultan Bagwash: Ah, surprise, surprise.
T-Shirt: Happy Birthday.
Granny Bag: Happy Birthday Tabatha. You daft donut Tabatha, did you honestly think we'd forget your one thousandth birthday?
T-Bag: But the golden envelopes, the guards, you mean.
Granny Bag: Yep, that was me, he, he, he, he, it was a wheeze to get you out of the house while we got your surprise party ready. Ha, ha, cunning eh?
T-Bag: Oh I don't know what to say, I'm speechless.
T-Shirt: Well that makes a pleasant change. Come on everybody lets all raise our glasses and toast our favourite Birthday girl.
Sultan Bagwash: Mmmm
Bagsy Malone: Ah thank you garcon.
Doctor Strangebag: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...
Granny Bag: Oh yeah.
Party guests (In song): Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear T-Bag, Happy Birthday to you.
Granny Bag: Hip Hip hooray.
T-Bag: Oh thank you, I'm overwhelmed Granny. Now I know what you meant when you said I was going to get the greatest gift of all, and the greatest gift of all is friendship.
(Tow-Ling walks in with the large birthday cake floating in the air by magic).
Tow-Ling: Look what I can do your Majesty, I've been practising.
Granny Bag: Ooh, oooh.
(Tow-Ling inadvertently steps on Doggy Bag's tail).
Tow-Ling: I'm sorry Doggy Bag, are you alright?
T-Shirt: Tow-Ling, the cake!
(The cake falls onto T-Bag).
Tow-Ling: I'm sorry.
T-Bag: Oh you idio-uuuuuuuut!
T-Shirt: Don't worry, you'll get used to it.

Added: 04/08/2012